When I was very young -- probably 21 or 22 -- I bought my mom a squirt gun for her birthday. I wasn't very subtle in suggesting that if she didn't want to play with it right away, I would "test it out" to see if it was working properly. She remembers the gift as a great act of humorous selfishness.
I remember it as a watershed moment in gift giving, akin to Homer offering Marge a bowling ball -- with his name on it. So in that vein, I'd like to offer up some of the very best in Mother's Day, um, gifts.
1. Lingerie. Strappy, silky, see-through lingerie. Just the thing to wear when relaxing with a book and a cup of hot tea.
2. A set of barbecue tools -- because really, cooking in the kitchen gets so old.
3. A gift certificate ... to Home Depot.
4. A bottle of 30-year-old Scotch for her book club meetings. Yeah, book club. That's it.
5. While you're at it, a new bar set. She'll love it.
6. A book of those cheesy, spice-it-up sex "gift certificates" -- because nothing says unwinding after a long day like giving a, well, Page 32 describes it I'm sure.
7. And if you can't think of anything else, stick with a bowling ball. It worked out really well for Homer.