Strollerderby

I LOVED being pregnant.  Yep, I'm one of those people.  I was sad the day that I had to have Cara.  

But, a good friend of mine suffered from depression while she was pregnant and she was utterly miserable.  She was required to stay on bedrest for the majority of her pregnancy due to major health issues and she was a basket case.

She saw no joy in any part of life and started to resent the son who she was carrying.

Now that her son is almost six months old and she's back at work, she is back to her old self.  However, her depression was so severe when she was pregnant that she is hesitant to consider having another child.

I totally agree that this is an issue that no one talks about and the subject needs to be dealt with; the "happy pregnant lady" is mostly a myth.

I had an easy pregnancy but I have seen a few friends go through this, undiagnosed and miserable and feeling very guilty that they weren't "glowing' and happy 24/7.  I agree that I cant believe there isnt more said about it.  Not only are your hormones wreaking havoc, but it's as if some person (or in our case, two people) suddenly moved in and said they would dictate what I could eat and drink and whether or not I could sleep or exercise or breathe for the next 9 months, and everyone expected me to be thrilled about it all the time.  I think most women feel guilty admitting they feel that way.  

I’m eight months along.  And while I don’t think I have APD, I do have bad days and even weeks.  I never feel guilty about it.  However, I do feel judged by others.  People assume that if I’m not giggly and glowing that I’m ungrateful…which is NOT the case.  Now that I write that, I think the constant scrutiny (people watching what I eat, giving constant unsolicited advice, insensitive “funny” comments) "feeds" this feeling. When I take an anti-social day I feel great.

When I was pregnant and people asked if I was excited, I would often hesitate and say ... well ... sure ...

I got a lot of funny looks, as if not being completely THRILLED was very abnormal. I wasn't depressed -- I just didn't like being pregnant much and I was aware of the realities of bringing a child into the world and how much my life would change. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be depressed as a pregnant lady -- we definitely need more support for people. Being pregnant can be really hard!

I've had issues during this pregnancy, my third/fourth, depending on how you look at it... some of it is fear, coming off of the loss due to miscarriage last pregnancy. Some of it is other stuff that doesn't quite make sense. Some of it is memory tied to my first (unplanned) pregnancy which, as I read more and more about APD/AD, I'm wondering, deeply, if that wasn't some of what was going on there that caused so much other... stuff.

Hmm.

I HATED being pregnant and when my ob/gyn diagnosed me with PPD, she did say she thought I was a bit down when I was preggo.

I wonder if docs just aren't aware of this?  I'd never heard of it before the Babble newsletter came and I read your article, Sarah.

Karen

I think I had APD with my first pregnancy, and I had it bad.  I was convinced that I was going to die in childbirth - so much so, that I wrote a letter to my husband and gave it to his best friend, to give to my husband in case something did happen to me.  I was absolutely paranoid about myself and the baby.  It was the only time in our 6 year marriage that we've ever needed counseling.  We got counseling, but it didn't help.

After I gave birth, I had to go on Reglan, which is known to cause depression, to boost my breastmilk supply.  When my daughter was about 8 months old, I finally got the help I needed for the depression (therapy and Zoloft).  Since then, things have been much much better.  I got pregnant again when my oldest child was 11 months old, and that pregnancy was a whole different experience.

I have no idea what triggered my APD - I didn't have a very difficult pregnancy at all.  I didn't have morning sickness or anything.  I was on bedrest for pregnancy induced hypertension for the last week of it, but I think that had more to do with the fact that I was freaking right out than anything physical.

Anyway, I would urge any woman who doesn't feel right to talk to her doctor and get help.  Pregnancy should be a joyful time.  If it isn't, and there's no obvious reason (like being sick 24/7) something may be wrong.  Why suffer?

I was miserable--I went through a period around 7 months in where I was just crying all the time--not even sad, just weepy all. the. time. And I got very antisocial and had almost crippling anxiety as my due date neared.

This time has so far been easier. I don't know if I am just more distracted, or maybe, because I already experienced the complete rearrangement of identity that comes with motherhood and surivived it and actually love being a mom (most of the time) I am not so freakin' terrified. You are right though, we need to talk about this. I went through infertility and we got SO lucky, and everyone expected me to be thrilled. Instead, I was like "I feel like crap, I am going to be the size of a small building, and that's the GOOD news because it means the baby is OK. What if the baby isn't?"

Doctors need to hande this better too. I love love love my OB, but the other doctor in the practice sucks. I talked to her about how awful I felt and she was just like, "well, we can't give you anything..." as if I was just after drugs. Grrr.

I've got this right now.  I hated my first pregnancy too but I had no problem with postpartum.  When I had my daughter I was just so immediately thrilled to suddenly not be pregnant that I felt totally happy and ready for anything.  I thought it would be better this time because at least now I now that I really will get back to my normal self.  But I think I actually feel worse.  I try to fight falling into a real depression by being the angry pregnant woman (and yoga.)  My friends think it's amusing when I cuss someone out for daring to touch me or offer me a beer but I'm sure my family  has had more than enough.

Being pregnant is like have a great sports car you've driven and taken care of all your life and having to let some stranger drive it for nine months while you sit in the back seat of your own car feeling cramped and nauseous and not being able to see out or even see the person driving.  You have to let this stranger drive in order to get to this place you've always want to go, but they don't drive very well; they grind the gears and use terrible gas and you're afraid your beloved car will never be the same.  You know the destination will be worth it but it just takes forever to get there.

I've got almost 5 more months :(

Being pre-prone to depression, I'm very lucky my Dr takes the time to just *talk* with me about how I'm feeling. Even though this is my 3rd pregnancy he knows I'm susceptible and keeps an eye on me. The second question I get as I walk in the door is "And how are YOU doing?" I had two realatively easy pregnancies (apart from pre-eclempsia for the last 2 weeks of my first) so I really don't think it's necessarily related, although this is my first planned pregnancy and is just horrible (11 weeks of morning sickness and counting). We tried for 18 months and I'm excited about the baby, but not the next 25 weeks.

This is definitely a topic that needs just talking about.

I enjoyed being pregnant.  Well, except the last month when I was tired of being all fat and swollen.  I'm lucky, though, because I've struggled with depression since I was young, and luckily even though I went of my medication during my pregnancy I managed to get through that and the postpartum period without being my old psycho sorrowful self.

During my second pregnancy, I literally thought I was losing my mind.  I would just cry anc cry and my toddler would look at me and cry too.  It was unbearable.  I was lucky enough to have an understanding OB who put me on Wellbutrin at 17 weeks.  I took it for a couple of months and it helped me feel normal again.

It can be really hard to be happy about something that makes you throw up four times before noon, gives you searing heartburn and makes walking horribly painful.  Being depressed at the same time makes it terrifying.

I am absolutely thrilled about having a baby....but that said, I can't wait not to be pregnant. I was nauseous into the middle of my second semester, then had several yeast infections right when everyone said my energy was supposed to return. By the time that was over, the worst of the summer hit and by that time I was bigger then every woman I knew who was as far along (or farther) than I was. My friends tell me I look great, and that I haven't gained any weight anywhere other than where the baby is, so this is not a body image thing for me. My balance is completely out of whack, and I have tripped and fallen twice, making me terrified to walk around now that I can't even see my feet. The guilt that accompanies falling when you are carrying a tiny baby inside you is immeasurable- the first time this happened I ended up sobbing uncontrollably in the subway while my husband tried to get me to pull myself together.  Now, the pressure on my back and my pelvis makes walking a struggle (and I live on the side of a hill). I'm hungry all the time but I have no room to eat because my stomach is so small, and I am constantly out of breath when I am doing nothing.  I haven't had a comfortable moment since this began. People ask me if I'm freaked out about my whole life changing once the baby arrives, and honestly, I don't have an ounce of nerves about the baby coming- anything seems like it would be easy after all these months of not having any control over my own body. Right up to getting pregnant I was a healthy, active, fit person- I have just concluded some people don't have an easy time of it.  

I had it. Didn't know it existed. The midwives would ask me how I was doing and reply "fine, right?" before I got a chance to respond. Near the end I started hating my baby. I mean HATING him and my husband. I would cry and tell my husband I was going to divorce him and leave him with the baby. Or that I was going to give the baby away. Or that I was going to stab myself in the stomach with scissors to stop being pregnant. I was in a very bad place. It went way beyond normal pregnancy woes, but nobody ever mentioned I could be depressed. I had some postpartum psychosis in the hospital, which was also fun, as the chemicals left me. Then I finally became mentally normal again. I really like being myself and not being depressed, and I'm sorry I said all those mean things about my boy when he was a fetus, I didn't mean them.

::Raising hand:: I had prenatal depression (that's what it had been called) and PPD with both of my kids.  I had worries during both (spotting, low progesterone) and though they were both planned, with fertility meds, my hormones took over (plus miserable 9-month-long "morning" sickness).  Thankfully it was not as bad the second time around but I always felt guilty that I wasn't a happy pregnant mommy.  It's a relief to know I wasn't alone.

I was fine throughout my pregnancy, but EXHAUSTED. I'd pull into the garage and take a 20 minute nap before I could muster the energy to drag myself into the house.

I can certainly see how that kind of hormonal-induced tiredness could mutate into full-on depression.

awesome topic.

i am prone to depression, but mine typically manifests as seasonal affective disorder. (i live in wisconsin and the long winters get to me in more than just a winter blahs-kind of a way). anyway, i'm at the end of an unplanned pregnancy and i hate being pregnant. in every case, i feel like i should be enjoying the fact that everything else is ideal. way supportive husband and family, great job/health insurance/maternity leave, great health during pregnancy/awesome blood pressure/no swelling/minimal weight gain....i could go on. and i'm not enjoying it. i get creeped out when coworkers or other acquaintences get that far off gleam in their eyes asking about how excited i am now that i'm so close to being done. not to mention, i think my second trimester was the worst and that was when i was supposed to feel better. i was so moody and tired and sad and resentful...i am scared that the ppd will hit me, but i know i've got great support systems if it does. thank you to everyone who has shared your experiences with this topic. it makes me feel like less of a monster to know that it's ok to not feel like i'm on the top of the world because i'm pregnant.

Thank God I'm not the only one. How can you explain to people that you really don't care whether a fetus makes it past the miscarriage stage or not most days? We're "supposed" to be glowing and joyful and in love from the start, right? That's what it seems like, anyway.

I'm suffering the double-whammy of depression (relatively under control until the hormones hit) and antepartum depression. No, they don't cancel each other out.