I’ve never had to hire a nanny. I stash my kids in the cheapest kiddie farm that minimally passes health inspections. So maybe I don’t really understand what it’s like to open my home and life to a stranger, who will spend a seemingly endless amount of time with my kids, doing the bulk of the drudgery so I don’t have to.

Still, I feel comfortable in saying that the requirements laid out in this ad for a Park Slope nanny will be met only by liars or those with hands bearing scars from stigmata.

Let’s unpack the ad:

Busy young couple … active, energetic nanny … three-month-old. Got it. Fluent in English … 1-2 year commitment … experience with family from newborn to elementary school a plus. They’re dreaming, but fine.  They outline a four-day week, 12-hour days plus one weekend night per month. Next come the delusions/cries for help.

Experience with and/or support of exclusive breastfeeding and pumping is a requirement. I am imagining, here, a nanny being non-“supportive.” Pointing and laughing while she nurses? Making mom pump in the bathroom? Then: Interest in learning EC (elimination communication/ infant potty training) is a requirement. Experience with EC is a significant plus. Riiiight. No mention of combat pay, which is surely a requirement for holding a bowl under someone else’s naked three-month-old while he blasts one out.

Now, as if a diaper-less kid pissing all over the floor isn’t enough, there’s also the duty of preparing his meals, cleaning up after him, handling his laundry … AND … just maintaining the home's existing neatness and running occasional household errands ... But if the parents can’t do it (they can’t, right?), how should the nanny be able to?

Finally … must be willing to travel with the child … by public transportation … Is that with our without diapers? With or without the dry-cleaning? With or without maintaining the train’s existing neatness?

All that and more, plus you’re not even allowed to smoke! (But the ad says nothing about drinking on the job.)