I’ve never had to hire a nanny. I stash my kids in the
cheapest kiddie farm that minimally passes health inspections. So maybe I don’t
really understand what it’s like to open my home and life to a stranger, who
will spend a seemingly endless amount of time with my kids, doing the bulk of
the drudgery so I don’t have to.
Still, I feel comfortable in saying that the requirements
laid out in this ad for a Park Slope nanny will be met only by liars or those
with hands bearing scars from stigmata.
Let’s unpack the ad:
Busy young couple … active, energetic nanny …
three-month-old. Got it. Fluent in English … 1-2 year commitment …
experience with family from newborn to elementary school a plus. They’re
dreaming, but fine. They outline a
four-day week, 12-hour days plus one weekend night per month. Next come the
delusions/cries for help.
Experience
with and/or support of exclusive breastfeeding and pumping is a requirement. I am imagining, here, a nanny
being non-“supportive.” Pointing and laughing while she nurses?
Making mom pump in the bathroom? Then: Interest in learning EC (elimination communication/ infant potty training) is a requirement. Experience
with EC is a significant plus. Riiiight.
No mention of combat pay, which is surely a requirement for holding a bowl
under someone else’s naked three-month-old while he blasts one out.
Now, as if a diaper-less kid pissing all over the floor
isn’t enough, there’s also the duty of preparing his meals, cleaning up after him, handling his
laundry … AND … just maintaining the
home's existing neatness and running occasional household errands ... But if the parents can’t do it
(they can’t, right?), how should the nanny be able to?
Finally
… must be willing to travel with the child … by public transportation …
Is that with our without diapers? With or without the dry-cleaning? With or
without maintaining the train’s existing neatness?
All
that and more, plus you’re not even allowed to smoke! (But the ad says nothing about
drinking on the job.)
