I generally get irritated by sex and marriage advice, cuz it usually follows the same old lines: Make time for each other. Go on dates. Be open about your desires. Get sexy underwear/dress like a cowgirl/make him give you a (bleugh) sensual massage. Blah blah to the blah. I'm sure these are all fine suggestions (minus the massage) but not exactly revolutionary. And I thought this interview with couples therapist Esther Perel would be more of the same, and there is a bit of that, but she also said one or two things that stood right out.
My favorite? "On some level we trade passion for security, that's trading one
illusion for another. It's a matter of degree. We can't live in
constant fear, but we can't live without any. The fear of loss is
essential to love." Wowsa. You mean we should worry about our partner leaving? Perel says it shouldn't be an obsession, but she's clear that your spouse shouldn't be your best friend, because "Friendship has no tension --- that's the whole point. In desire, there
must be some small amount of tension. And that tension comes with the
unknown, the unpredictable." You know, I like that.
We seem to think safety and comfort are the goals of a good marriage, but I'm on board with Perel to a certain extent. While it's great to be accepted by your partner, utter confidence they aren't going anywhere isn't sexy or realistic. I've got enough friends. I think what I want in my marriage is something a little different, and something significantly hotter.
