We've all had them. Sometimes we don't even know how they get into the house, but we've all had them. Evil vengeful grandparents? Spontaneous manifestation? It's hard to say where they come from, really, but you all know what I'm talking about: toys that suck.
So while over at MomLogic they got all whiny about Furbies and Tamagotchi and anything that pees, we here at the Derby have our own ideas about which toys suck. And so I bring you the Strollerderby Top Ten:
1. Sea monkeys. What the fuck are these things anyway? They look nothing like the smiling aquatic crown-wearing family in the ads. But Mike says they rule until they fall on the carpet and break your heart.
But Bill actually knows a thing or two about Sea Monkeys v. 2.1, aka Aquasaurs:
"A few facts that perhaps you didn't know about Aquasaurs are that they
1) are unaffected by extreme heat, frost, drought, nuclear holocaust,
Mongolian Warriors, Biblical wrath, plague, pestilence, the vacuum of
space and liberal politics, but apparently vulnerable to the deadliest
of all the man-made and natural elements: tap water. The contract rider
in the directions clearly stated spring water only and also required us
to stock the habitat with M&M's but to pick out all the blue ones
first.
2) As they grow, the larger Aquasaurs can eat the smaller ones.
Now here's a teaching moment for Jack as he begins kindergarten next
year. "Remember Jack, listen to your teachers, raise your hand to ask a
question and only eat the kids that are smaller than you."
3) The water
temperature of the habitat must be kept between 72 to 80 degrees. To
keep the temperature up the directions recommend placing a desk lamp
next to the habitat or for faster results try dropping a plugged in
hair drier or toaster into the water.
4) By shining a flashlight into
the habitat the Aquasaurs will swim towards it and then lie about how
many drinks they have had that night."
Wow, Bill sounds bitter, don't you think? Anyway, Sea Monkeys/Aquasaurs (who the HELL came up with that name??) suck and are not recommended by the experts.
2. Chicken Dance Elmo and Tickle Me Elmo. Amy says that Chicken Dance Elmo giggles eerily at her from across the room. I say Anything Elmo sucks. Because that Elmo dude, there's something not right about him.
3. Books. That's right, we're against books here! Ban the books! No wait, BURN the books! But just the crappy Disney ripoffs, which are, as Kelly says, outsourced to third world non-english speaking countries and composed by five-year-olds chained to old typewriters.
4. Books. Huh. I think I said that already. But Madeline wanted to whine about have a light discussion of faux educational flap books of Fisher-Price toy characters. All gender stereotypes for one thing. All
boring for another thing. And so large! They don't fit on bookshelves.
And there's no story. Just bad rhymes.
[do you get the feeling it was past Madeline's bedtime?]
[because I have no idea what she's talking about]
[I think we live in separate realities, maybe]
5. Anything That Comes in the Stocking. Because Bill had a childhood that sucked. And he's still bitter: "I'm also chiming in with the time honored socks and underwear gift.
what a waste of unwrapping energy. plus anything in the stocking is
basically shit unless someone gets creative an shoves a dvd or a bottle
of gin in it."
Send Bill a bottle of gin, will you? (Make sure there's a couple of Aquasaurs in it)
Okay, so that's only five. Whatever. But I can add this word from Mike, which I totally agree with:
Any toy that talks, sings, plays music or shines
bright ass lights should be slapped with a "contains
lead" sticker and thrown into the dust bin of toy
history. Sure, the kids seem to like them. But try
listening to an electronic version of "If you're happy
and you know it" a thousand times in a row and you
might come to the same conclusion I have: Air is the
best toy of all. Sweet, silent, lead-free air.
Nature's best toy for the imagination.
Ahh, the sound of air. Now that's a toy that doesn't suck.
