There is a recent
scam movement affecting the agonizing plight of parents as they struggle to find the perfect name for their bundle of joy and it is the use of
Baby Name Consultants. These
crooks consultants sometimes charge overwhelmed parents
up to $450 to tell them whether the names they have chosen are too hot, too cold, too hard, too lumpy or just right.
Well, put those check books away and cancel that $300 half-hour call to that Numerologist you found on Craigslist because I am about to provide you with the down-to-earth honest answers those so-called professional consultants never would for the low low price of FREE!
After conferring with my fellow authors, baby-namers, and
Kenny Rogers enthusiasts here at Strollerderby I have assembled a simple checklist that will hopefully provide you with the guidance you need to bestow upon your child a fitting name that will not result in a lifetime of ridicule, playground ass-whoopins’or of repeating lines like “No, it’s with two Z’s and a Q. Yes a Q. It’s a silent Q.”
- Amy wants parents to just stop it with the "ayden" names. Just. Stop. It. Brayden, Cayden Hayden...the trend is OVAH.
- Amy also offers the legal angle by suggesting use of the Supreme Court Justice test. “Supreme Court Justice Apple Martin just doesn’t sound right.”
- Put your hands together for another suggestion from Amy called The Stripper Test “If you could picture your child's name being used by a stripper of either gender it’s back to the drawing board.”
- Karen reminds you to make sure a child's name can’t be adapted to sound like a bodily function. (See Carter, Martin, Missy, Grommet, Sydney Stone) Also check what your kid's initials spell “It was too late when I realized my youngest’s name spells EWW.”
- Please Please Please, implores Karen and Madeline splashing Holy Water at a passing school bus, take Kaitlyn away and all her evil incarnations.
- Kelly decries lunch and mythology by insisting you do not name your child after a sandwich or a Greek hero who fucked his/her parent to which Karen added “Isn't a Greek hero also a sandwich” Yes it is Karen so don’t name your child Gyro.
- Rhyming is also a no-no says Kelly so do not give them a name that rhymes with your last name. (See Nathan Gathen)
- From inside her Hazmat suit Redsy reminded us never to name a child after a major illness or nerve gas “Seriously, I met a girl named Sarin once.” (see also Soman and Tabun)
- Jessica discounts vitamin C, swatches and sports figures in one breath, “Fuck the fruit, fabric and professional athlete names” (See Pomegranate, Naugahyde, and Vick)
- Make a choice advises Madeline. You only get one fashionable name per child. So, no Emma Ava or Jack Brody or Kaitlyn/Katelyn/Kaytlen Taylor (See number 5)
- Jim Henson be damned but don’t name your child after famous TV Puppets (See Alf, Kermit and George W. Bush)
- Germaphobes beware, kids should never named after a cleaning product (see Pinesol, Mrclean, and Fantastik)
- Globally responsible Peace Corp types need not apply, never use a third world country as a name (see Seychelles, Burkina Faso and Canada)
- We know you loved The Matrix Trilogy but avoid naming your baby after a city from a science fiction movie (see Zion)
- You love Sportscenter, that’s fine but don’t select a television network as a name (See Espn, Spice, Lifetime)
- Into Gadgets? Cool. Your child is not a gadget. No technology inspired names (see iPhone, Dot Matrix, Blakberri)
- Show no emotion when it comes to naming (see Hatred, Apathy, Happiness)
- Hey wasn’t the album “…And Justice For All” awesome? Maybe we should name the baby after the band? Maybe you shouldn’t. No Rock Bands (see Metallica, Megadeth, Nirvana)
- Shhhh…What’s that sound? Oh we were just calling our son for dinner. No Onomatopoeias (see Buzz, Whack, Crash, Meow, Neigh, Vroom)
- I’d like to buy a vowel and some commonsense Pat? Avoid phonetic spellings of popular names, adding superfluous letters just for shits and giggles or mashing together two names to make one. (See Dylon Micheal, Bretlyn)
- Unless you are feminie hygiene product, a candle manufacturer or a crayon rethink using descriptions of nature for a name (see Summer Sky, Autumn Night, Winter Snow, Forest Green, Summer’s Eve)
Hopefully this list will be helpful to you as you are deciding on a name for your baby, but if it for some reason only complicates matters perhaps you should just
give up trying and name the child a symbol or maybe the Child Formerly known as
Autumn Sullivan Corbett Fitzsimmons Jeffries Hart Burns Johnson Willard Dempsey Tunney Schmeling Sharkey Carnera Baer Braddock Louis Charles Walcott Marciano Patterson Johansson Liston Clay Frazier Foreman Brown.
