The feminization of American men, a trend that encourages men to act more like women, has finally seeped into the world of parenting in what I call the Momification of Dads. Momification may sound like a procedure wherein a long hook is used to pull the testicles out through the nose after which they are replaced with scented bath oil beads but in reality 1) the testicles are replaced with goldfish crackers and 2) it is actually a process that oftentimes begins as early as in the delivery room.
Whereas the Dads of yesteryear paced the waiting room floor smoking a Lucky Strike with a pocket full of cigars and a baseball game on in the background waiting to hear if it was a boy or a girl, Dads of today are getting a deep tissue massage for their cramping muscles and soaking their feet in the birthing tub while listening to an Enya CD and sipping on some chamomile tea.(Thanks Madeline)
Some Dad’s have even been pressured to participate hands-on with the delivery (Do I want to cut the cord? Uh…do you want to write my marketing plan for an upcoming product launch? No thanks Doc, the only thing I’ll be cutting is a check for the co-pay) so what’s next? Keeping the placenta with the intention of eating it later on? (I’ll take my Momelette with chives and some hot sauce please, and could you freshen up my coffee?)
There are those who will say that I do not speak for all males, but they’d be wrong. (I’m an amazing Mentriloquist. You can’t even see my lips move) And as proof of the ongoing Momification of Dads I point to a recent press release from expert baby coordinator Roselle Andrea delivered to the Strollerderby Complex in Upstate New York recommending that women who are pregnant put together a hospital bag for Dads-to-Be to make sure he doesn’t feel left out on delivery day (for a far less bitter take on the list check out Mike's Post); because as we know childbirth is all about how the Dad feels and between the Braxton-Hicks, the bed rest, the foot cramps, the aching back, the swollen ankles, the barrage of strangers touching her stomach, and the constant worrying that the baby is alright there is nothing a Mom-to-Be would rather do than prepare a “cozy hospital bag” to help calm the nerves of her husband.
Here are a few of the cozy items expecting mothers should consider when preparing their husband’s hospital bag:
- Chocolate and snacks--to keep up his energy levels. (Why not consider a Baby Ruth? I’m sure the irony of him putting a Baby into his stomach while you’re pushing one out will not be lost on anyone)
- Clothes and accessories--spare T-shirt, toothbrush, toothpaste and wet wipes for quick freshen-ups--he'll want to look good in those first pictures, too. (Too? Implying that after hours of labor Mom has had a chance to hit the Hospital Spa and get a full makeover)
- Tissue--for the tears. (If by tissue you mean the sleeve of my shirt, please pack extras. Dads should use tissues for 2 purposes: Wiping the noses of their children and killing insects in the house. Tissues with lotion are especially useful on spiders.)
- Books or magazines--to keep him occupied if you have a long labor. (Because what else is there for a Dad-to-Be to do while Mom is 8cm dilated and counting the minutes between contractions besides read the Sarah Michelle Gellar feature in the latest Maxim?)
- Thank you note--an unexpected surprise. (I think the real unexpected surprise would be not putting this hospital bag together at all and letting Dad toughen up a little)
Other items on the list were loose change for vending machines and an iPod with his favorite music on it. Conspicuously absent is the long hook I mentioned earlier.
Remember Dads, you’re not the one who is pregnant. CHILDBIRTH IS NOT ABOUT YOU! You feel left out on delivery day? Too bad. Your job is to be supportive and to make Mom’s life easier, not the other way around. This list is well intentioned but if you want a cozy hospital bag, pack it yourself.
Just make sure to include a pack of Lucky Strikes and some cigars.
(photocredit: www.print.duncans.tv)
