Gentlemen first let me thank each of you for attending this emergency meeting; I know it was short notice and that you were either busy watching the football game with one hand shoved down the front of your pants and the other holding a beer, randomly lifting heavy objects or retrieving them from high places, cleaning your shotgun, napping on the couch or just doing your best to avoid spending any quality time with your wife and kids. Joe, Steve, am I right?
Before we get to the reason I’ve convened this conclave …sorry Mitch… asked y’all to come over…I’d like to address the status of Greg who as many of you know was placed on a 6 month probation for remembering his wife’s birthday back in November and for also helping with the dishes without being asked. Last night while watching The Notebook with his wife Greg not only teared-up but he then failed to pretend like he had something in his eye. As of today Greg has been suspended indefinitely and will not be eligible for re-instatement until 2010.
Now to get to the matter at hand, I’ve recently been made aware of a blog posting by Cathy (AKA – Arkie Mama) that has been printed out and is currently being distributed throughout the room. It was brought to my attention by a Him-pathizer inside the Sisterhood and… I know we still have to vote on the official use of the word Him-pathizer. Rick, just take one and pass the pile along. What Jeff? Yes, it’s a lot of words but I’ll be paraphrasing most of it so just follow along the best you can.
You’ll see the title of the post is, “Pshaw! Those silly, blushing menfolk” I take great umbrage…sorry Mitch…I’m disgusted with the way we are portrayed in the title. Men, need I remind you that “blushing” rather than internalizing whatever embarrassment you may feel in a situation is strictly forbidden. Quote: Today, a friend of mine told some co-workers about my blog. Male co-workers. Who, upon pulling up this here blog and reading my previous post, reportedly turned scarlet and said, "Oh, I can't read this." Mike verify the blushing of these “Male co-workers” and if it turns out to be true confiscate their GodFather DVD’s Part 1 and 2, they can keep part 3, and cancel their subscription to Maxim Magazine. And let me just add that even though it’s not a universally accepted “rule” I classify drinking a blush wine as an equally egregious offense…sorry Mitch…equally as wrong.
Though the mere suggestion that men blush would have alone warranted this meeting, Arkie Mama tips the hand of the sisterhood by revealing five very disturbing things about women that I’m certain many of you here did not know and even more certainly things that none of us will ever understand. 1) Women have periods 2) Women have PMS 3) Women have sex when they’re not PMSing 4) They openly discuss these topics amongst each other and 5) There’s a possibility that women, our wives included, may be talking about us to each other as well.
Quote: Boys, boys, boys: It's time you learn. Women talk about everything -- and yes, sometimes you are part of the discussion.
Settle down, settle down. Somebody get Frank a beer he looks pale. Alright did any of you know that women talked about everything including us? I didn’t think so, but it turns out it is liberating for women to know they can look to other woman in a coffee shop, a book club and even on a blog for comfort and commiseration. It also turns out they confess their vulnerabilities and even share ribald jokes which I think means they’re making fun of our hair loss.
Quote: Sometimes, we stumble across a blog whose aching, raw honesty humbles and touches us. We continue reading following our sisters as their stories unfold, thinking of them, reaching out to them.
As you know gentlemen, as men we are incapable of aching unless it’s our backs after a pick-up game of basketball or of displaying anything raw unless it’s a T-bone Steak that has been marinating all day in Jack Daniels BBQ sauce and is about to go on the grill. Furthermore, if I discover that any of you are thinking about each other outside of arranging Fantasy Football trades I will personally petition for your immediate removal from this association.
Quote: The ability to be open and honest with other women is empowering. Too bad you menfolk are so afraid of it.
I see that look in your eye Chris, don’t even think about it. It’s not that we’re afraid of it because as you know we’re not afraid of anything, it’s that men are inept when it comes openness and honesty and though we covered it last month I will again read the list of the acceptable topics of conversation and the venues in which we can partake in them…sorry Mitch… where we can talk and what we can talk about. First the Whats 1) Sports 2) Sex 3) Your Asshole Boss 4) Home Improvement 5) Food and Alcoholic Beverages. Now the Wheres: 1) Sports Bars 2) Taverns 3) Pubs 4) Lodges 5) Lounges 6) Golf Courses 7) Watering Holes 8) Bistros 9) Microbrews 10) Softball Field.
You’ll see Jerry that I didn’t mention your kid’s Spelling Bee while you’re standing at the Urinal, O.K?
Alright, to recap we’ve discovered that women openly discuss everything with each other including us and this is not only liberating and empowering but something we as men know nothing about because we’re afraid. Did I miss anything? Yes Mitch, we also learned that they won’t have sex with us if they’re PMSing.
Thank you all again for attending on such short notice. Please remember on your way out to your cars that a handshake is the only acceptable gesture of friendship. Hugs and chest bumps are reserved exclusively for sporting events and weddings.
Joe, Steve, I’m looking at you.
(photocredit:www.amystevensonline.com)
