Oh, sometimes Christmas comes early at the Derby. Just when I was pondering the big questions of the day like, who will be our next president, and how can we deal with global warming, I got the answer to one burning issue that has been on my mind constantly since around October. In my inbox was a bright shiny press release, with the subject line “What J.Lo Will Wear To Deliver- confirmed” and the bold opening sentence (emphasis theirs), “We have info on what Jennifer Lopez is wearing in the
delivery room when she delivers her twins.” Oh, THANK GOD, I can finally sleep at night!
And what will the star outfit herself in while she’s cursing her husband and throwing cups of ice chips at the nurses? Why, a (I shit you not) “designer hospital gown” from dearjohnnies. Actually, the PR folks seem to think she’ll be wearing two: the “Ellie” blue one and the “Lucy” pink one. Like, halfway through her labor she’ll be doing a costume change and returning for the second half of her dilation in something fresh for the big finale. No, the designers suggest you get one for the birthin’ and one for the following day, at $65 a pop. Because as they say, “Having a baby is an extraordinary experience and moms deserve to wear something better than an ordinary hospital gown.” Yeah, why settle for a regular person’s hospital garb when you should have the very best? Oh, and (be still my beating heart) you can get them monogrammed!
All I can say is, Roberto Cavalli is going to be sooooo pissed. As you know, it’s a very big deal to dress a star for her walk down the faded blue linoleum, and I just have to wonder if Ms. Lopez passed over Cavalli as punishment for outfitting her in this Grecian-Big Bird thing for her tour.
Oh, and I love this: “Designed with your comfort in mind, dearjohnnies can be worn during
labor, in the days following your recovery and at home during the weeks
to follow. Hospital staff will appreciate that you’re still wearing a
hospital gown. And you’ll appreciate the soft fabric and loose fitting
design as your body takes on the challenge of childbirth and then mends.”
Right. Why, I’m sure when I’m at home mending I’ll totally want to throw that placenta- and poop-covered hospital gown in the wash, and then don it while I come back from the challenge of childbirth. I mean, it’s good enough for JLo.
Look, I’ve been up front about my feelings on delivery wear before, and how it’s part of the commodification of the birth experience, and how freaking idiotic it is that women should worry about what they wear and how they look even while they are pushing a baby out of their hoo hoos or prepping for the c-section. But when you tack on the celebrity factor, well, all I can say is: Fuck. Me.