I don't have much time, and neither do you! Uh, you do want to look and feel your very best when you turn on the TV tomorrow to vicariously suck in your stomach and march down that red carpet, right? I mean, millions of people will be watching you maybe one or two random kids may pay you attention beyond "I'm hungry" or "come wipe meeee!" Never mind that. I know you want tomorrow's Oscars to be your best ever. And there's still time!
1. Well, maybe not for lipo. Not enough recovery time. I'll just have to suck it up. Er, in. Suck it in.
2. However, a One Stitch Facelift can be done at lunchtime. Oh, and for an extra $5000-7000. Whatever. Totally worth it.
3. Botox my pits. Sweat? Not me. So what if I can't move my arms?
4. As long as they have the Botox out, they might as well shoot some into my feet. So I can wear the shoes, you know. Those 5-inch Jimmy Choos? Yeah baby!
5. Facial, of course. I think I can work one in after the facelift and while they're Botoxing my pits.
6. Hair! How long does a weave take?
7. Uh, you think it's too late to start a Pilates program? Or maybe I can work some plyometrics in, between the Botox and the weave. You think?
8. I haven't eaten this week, so that counts as diet, right? And the blue M&M's have less calories I think. And mojitos are practically calorie-free.
9. Ughgghwht rrgghhht. Oh. Sorry. Those damn bleaching trays. Can't talk.
10. My lash stylist tells me that mink is in this year. I hope so because last year's fox lashes made me look like a damn raccoon.
There. I can relax! All done. Yes, I've got my Xanax. Thanks for reminding me.
You ready?
Photo: img.dailymail.co.uk
