Childhood obesity is an epidemic, if the studies and media are to be believed. It doesn't take much anecdotal evidence to arrive at a similar conclusion, especially if one has the opportunity to walk through a suburban mall of any kind. Serious chunky chickens walking around -- and some younger than three. Want to join the fun?
Here are five surefire ways to make sure your child gets fat and eventually obese, as soon as possible and hopefully by his or her 6th birthday.
1. Sugar It Up - High fructose corn syrup, that is. It's in everything from crackers to bread to cereal to juice. If you buy only processed foods and prepacked goodies, your kid will get the highest dose of sugar possible with the lowest level of nutrition.
2. Feed Feed Feed - Overfed and undernourished is the name of the game. Less nutrition, more junk. Skip vegetables, protein, and anything from the outside aisles of the grocery store and avoid homemade family meals as much as possible.
3. Baby Couch Potato - Kids like to run and jump and play. The only way to make your life easier is to teach them to reeeelaaaax and calm down. Get them hooked on computer games, television, and call it edutainment. Whatever it is, if they stop moving, they'll stop burning calories and start storing up for the big bellies they'll need later.
4. No Team Sports - Related to #3, please don't enroll your kids in any swim lessons, karate, baby yoga or team sports of any kind. You don't want them learning the enjoyment of participating in anything other than side-by-side video games or movie watching. And team sports are an over-competitive crock anyway.
5. McDonald's - It's fast, it's cheap, it's pushing the latest Disney/Pixar venture. And it has a play area which ,unlike Gymboree, is free. Featuring some of the absolute highest fat, highest sugar, worst food on the planet, McDonald's is the ticket to fattening up your baby fast!
And if absolutely nothing else works, keeping them up late and getting them up early (with loads of sugary treats in between) is a surefire way to guarantee they'll be obese for life.
[Photo Credit: Random Fat Kids]