My nanny's two parakeets just died. But my seven-year-old daughter, Erika, who liked to take care of the birds and had been the one to christen them Blueberry and Lemon (because they were blue and yellow, natch), doesn't know yet. The nanny came up with some crazy story about how Blueberry is sick and at the vet, and Lemon is staying at the pet store so she won't be lonely while Blueberry is away.
Even I knew this wasn't right. Today I gave the nanny the ultimatum: tell Erika, or I will.
Maybe some guidelines from an expert would make it easier on both of them.
First of all, Marina, psychologists agree that you should never lie to your kids about death, and say that the departed is only sleeping (or is at the vet). Honest communication is vital to helping children through the grieving process, and euphemisms only confuse them.
It helps if you lay the groundwork by talking about death from an early age. Kids are exposed to death all the time - in movies, in the dead animals they see by the roadside, etc. Experts say it's okay for even young kids to hear that death is a natural process, and that everything living eventually dies.
When a loved one dies, encourage your child to talk about his favorite memories of the person. Never make him feel guilty about his feelings - for example, if he isn't happy that Grandma is in heaven. If your child wants to go to the funeral, and you think he won't engage in disruptive behavior, then let him - but don't force him to go if he doesn't want to. Experts also advise against forcing kids to kiss or touch the body, or participate in other rituals, even if they're part of your culture.
Well, now that my nanny is fully armed with the most up-to-date theories on explaining death to children, she really has no excuse. Unless she just wants me to be the bad guy.
