Just in time for Father’s day, I am giving you dads out there the greatest present of all: I’m showing you how good a father you are by showcasing these famous dads who are totally worse.
Pete Doherty
If you are not familiar with this British rocker/cocaine enthusiast, meet Pete Doherty. Pete is known for two things: dating the elder statesman of super models, Kate Moss, and spending more time doing drugs than breathing. I could go on all day about what a stellar father Doherty makes, but why should I when, 1) this photo speaks volumes;
and 2) this quote from Pete himself speaking of the young son he has never seen does the job: “I’ve got two (children). Poor little fu%*er. My sister sees him all the time, so there’s affection as a family for him.” Somebody put that in a greeting card.
Alec Baldwin
I love Alec Baldwin. Actually for a long time I didn’t enjoy Alec Baldwin’s acting because it seemed to me stiff and pompous. Nothing has changed about his acting style, but now that Alec has determined he is a comedic actor, his stiff and pompous act totally works. A far as fatherhood, though, well, let us give a listen to a certain phone call Alec placed to his daughter.
Although I myself do not yet have a teenage daughter, I'll bet many father's get this pissed at their adolsecent kids. Which goes to prove the old adage, the only differnce between a good father and a bad ftaher is a tape recorder.
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson has been laying low for a while. Reeeeeeeal low. That’s good, because this is what he does when he addresses the public.
Michael Lohan
ME: Hey Michael Lohan, father of Lindsey Lohan, I’d like to include you in my article about terrible celebrity dads.”
Michael Lohan: “Alright.”
ME: “Listen, could you submit me a photo?”
ML: “Sure, here’s this.”
ME: “Um, you got anything that doesn’t have you in a wifebeater? Maybe something that doesn’t instantly peg you as a sleaze bag?”
ML: “But Cole, when I'm not in prison for securities fraud, I'm driving drunk. I did a lot of that while Lindsey was growing up and now that I have screwed her up and sent her into a downward spiral, I’m angling to see how much of what’s left of her diminishing fortune I can get my hands on. I am a sleaze bag.”
ME: “Point taken.”
David Hasselhoff
You don’t Hassle the Hoff. Like when he’s lying shirtless on the floor trying to negotiate a particularly wily hamburger. And you don’t tell him he’s got a drinking problem, even if you’re his kid. And you especially don't videotape the whole affair.
Darth Vader
Almost didn’t make this list. Darth did display a lot of bad dad behavior (chopping off your son’s hand usually piques the interest of CPS. Also not knowing you have a daughter is a red flag.) But in the end, you have to give Darth credit, he and Luke did bond in a nice father-son activity (killing the Emporer) and then spent some quality time in the hanger bay before old Darth turned into a ghost. If that’s not as good as playing a little catch with the kid, I don’t know what is.
Rick Hilton
Rick, I don’t know how to say this…do you exist? I have seen plenty of your daughter. Oh lordy, I have seen way too much of your daughter, but not so much of you. What magic spell will it take the cardboard cutout this picture reveals you to be and transform you into a living breathing person who, you know, parents his daughter?
George Foreman
How is George Foreman as a parent? I’m not sure but if you take a look at his kids’ names, you might get an idea of what his sole motivation for becoming a parent in the first place: George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI George Travis Walls.
Why build statues of tribute to yourself when you can just have kids to live in your perpetual, egomanical shadow?
AND NUMBER 1:
Joe Simpson
Oh Joe Simpson, you silly, funny, incredibly creepy man. One might say that as a dad you are “too involved.” But I don’t think so. Is it strange to take semi-erotic publicity photos of your own child, like this one I can't show you because I would have to pay...you guessed it, Joe Simpson?
Is it beyond the pale to make regular references to your daughter’s ample assets? Like this:
“Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"
Oh Joe, you had me at, “You can’t cover those suckers up.” And if you prudes out there think there is something wrong with this manager father and the vested interest he has in the chest of his internationally renowned sexpot daughter, we’ll let said daughter put you at ease. From the mouth of Jessica:
No, I’ve had double D’s for a long time. Are you kidding? No. My family is extremely close. I talk to my mom about my sex life. That’s not something that creeps me out. We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.
See? It’s not incestuous. It’s “Podunk southern.” Totally different.
To be fair, Joe's interest in his daughter's body is purely business. As her manager, Joe knows a great deal of Jessica's success is due to her body and that her body is, in fact, a product to be packaged and sold. Just like a pimp does.
Runners Up:
Tom Cruise – Sorry you didn’t make the main list. Hard to tell how bad a dad you are when no one sees your kid.
Woody Allen: Married his adopted daughter. ‘Nuff said.
And for some better celb dads, check out the 50 Coolest Celebrity Dads.
