Hannah's thought-provoking post from earlier this week -- which asked if it's appropriate to intervene if you see a stranger hitting one of his/her kids -- got me to thinking about another, less violent scenario. What if you're out with your children, and a stranger questions your parenting skills? Should you defend yourself or wal
k away?
This question recently confronted a friend of mine. (And yes, it really happened to a friend. "Friend" is not code for me.) She was out with her three children at a big park/petting zoo sort of place. Another girlfriend and her kids were with her during the outing. My friend got preoccupied by something that was happening with her two older children and, somehow, her youngest toddled away from her.
Naturally, she panicked. She left the other two kids with her friend and raced around looking for her son. In two minutes' time, she found him not far away, looking at the goats (I think it was goats) near some other children and their parents. Relieved, she swept him up and returned to the rest of her brood and her friend.
At this point, some random woman who had observed most or all of what happened said to her, "You know, you should really do a better job of watching your kids."
Now, my friend was almost in tears and still trying to calm down from the terror, albeit brief, of losing her little boy. This woman's accusation particularly stung at that moment.
"I do watch my kids," she told the woman. "He just got away from me. It's happened to the best of us."
The other woman then continued yelling at her about how that's no excuse and it's her responsibility as a mother to keep track of where they are. My friend didn't say anything further, she just walked away. But the incident stuck, gnawing at her for the rest of the day and evening.
Her husband, who happens to be the most rational human being on the planet, tried to calm her down. "That woman probably yelled at five other people that day. She doesn't know you. She probably didn't even think about how her words would affect you. You shouldn't take it personally."
That's absolutely the right, mature response. But when you're a mother, and another mother basically tells you you suck -- especially at a time when you guilty for letting your child wander off -- it's kind of hard not to take that vitriol personally.
But what's the right thing to do? Should you defend yourself, or is it just wasting your breath to bother having a dialogue with somene who clearly gets off on being confrontational? Should you turn the accusatory attitude back on the instigator: "Instead of yelling at me, why don't you pay attention to your own kids?" Or should you tell a friend about the incident, hope she blogs about it, then see what that blog's readers have to say? (The right answer is clearly that last one.)
