I love that the brilliant minds of this era want my job of parenting to be easier -- and safer, more efficient, beautiful, convenient.
Problem is, in the world of kids' stuff, there are so, so many misses. So much stuff designed with my fragile/blank/in need of stimulation/small/big/tired/awake children in mind winds up making my life confusing, painful, not very environmental, extra dirty, a waste of time or, or, well, you get the picture.
Take carseats. And bath toys. And a whole bunch of other stuff that is conceptually great but pissing me off in the meantime. Here's my Top 10 List of stuff for kids that is begging to be redesigned. Please, add more in comments -- or direct me to your finds! Surely someone from Kraft/Evenflo/Proctor and Gamble is reading.
1. Carseats. I mean, why so damn big? I know, side crashes, rear crashes, front-end collisions -- baby on board. Nobody wants my precious cargo as safe and secure as I do. Still. Our Britax Marathon takes up way more than my 3-year-old's fair share of backseat space. The wings on that damn thing squeeze my older kid against her door. And how sad for out-of-town guests and/or our carpool buddies. We drive a mid-size car, wouldn't dream of going gas-guzzler, but, Jesus, we need more free space inside. How has someone not invented a quilted titanium eggshell type carseat pod thing that has the footprint of a bag of groceries but a safety rating worthy of NASCAR?
2. Baby carseat. You're looking at a woman with some serious biceps (1) from constantly picking up an enormous baby/toddler and (2) from hauling said chubberkins around in one of those infant carseat carriers her first few months of life. Why so heavy (the seat, not my kid)? Again, let's get some nano-technology involved and free up a few pounds. Mama is tired!
3. Bath toys that squirt ... and build up with mold and mildew. We love the squirty bath toys, but only until they start shooting out pink and brown blotches of mold or mildew or whatever biological matter builds itself a home inside them. Oh, I'm not above cleaning, but you're going to have to give me a way to get inside. Rinsing is not enough! Can't we come up with squirty bathtoys that can be turned inside out and put in the dishwasher? Phthalate-free, of course.
4. Crib sheet. Did you read Babble blogger Jane Roper's rant on the crib sheet? I don't even use cribs and I was feeling the painful cuts and sprains this mama experienced every time she wanted to freshen up the digs for her little girls. There's got to be a better way. Loosen up, crib sheet!
5. While I'm on linens -- mattress pads. Without revealing too much about my daughter's overnight skills set, let's just say I'm pretty tired of changing wet sheets. And that big stupid mattress pad. She doesn't pee at the foot of her bed. Or up near her pillow. Isn't there some kind of mini-liner I could just spread out in the zone? (Better yet ... an at-home catheter, size 4T?)
6. Rocking chair/glider for the square-footage lacking? We just don't have space for a rocking chair -- not even one of those icky light-blue floral print ugly, ugly gliders. Again, too big for our tiny living room (and even tinier kids bedroom). I just wish I could find one that had the footprint of a dining room chair but the rocking capability and comfort of one of these!
7. Baby shampoo lids. OK, you know how your kids are suddenly too independent and they need to squeeze out their own shampoo? Yet, yet ... they're a bit heavy with the pour? I'd like a shampoo container that's topped with a spout ... you know, those things bartenders stick in the top of a liter of vodka which somehow limit each tip of the bottle to 1.5 oz?
8. Kids medicine. Recalls. Warnings. What the hell can we use? We've got cancer drugs and antiviral inhibitors. And all those billions big-Pharma rakes in. Can't someone come up with a safe and effective decongestant for a 9-month-old?
9. While I'm hating on meds, how about shots. Oh, I'm firmly on the side of immunizations for all, but why all the needles and pain and (if you're a member of my brood) hysteria? Why puncture the skin? Can't we smear the MMR vaccine on a patch and just wear it for a week? Squirt something up the kids' noses. At this point, I'd even agree to administering suppositories.
10. The juice box. Oh, juice box, how ubiquitous you are without deserving your following one bit. First, you're way overpackaged. But worse, you spill more than an open-lided, wide-mouthed, overfilled cup in an earthquake. It's natural for a kid to grab you around the middle, stupid juice box, and physics being physics and all, you shoot your contents out that ridiculous unbending bendy straw that can't ever manage to puncture a small foil opening without lots of swearing (and more spilling!). I hate you juice box, and I'd rather stab that bendy straw in my eye than give you improvement suggestions, lest they actually work and you never, ever, ever, ever just go away.
Photo: Designlessbetter.com
