Naturally you want your children to have strong friendships, people they can trust to
help them navigate social and emotional concerns. But there may be such a thing
as too much talking.
Psychologists call it “co-rumination:” the tendency to dwell
on a personal problem with a friend, seeking empathy and validation of your
feelings. Anyone who’s responsible for paying a teenage girl's phone bill is
probably more than a little familiar with this type of conversation: do you
think he likes me? Is so-and-so mad at me? Should I break up with him?
As this tendency has started to figure more heavily into
female friendships with the advent of MySpace, Facebook, cell phones, and email—which
mean that the majority of friendships can be based on chatting or gossip,
rather than activities—researchers have started to wonder if it’s such a
healthy way for friends to relate with one another.
Indeed, several studies of third, fifth, seventh, and ninth
graders have shown that co-rumination can lead to increased anxiety and
depression in girls, at least in the short term. Obsessing about a problem with a friend can make that
problem seem bigger than it is—and worries can be contagious: if my best friend
is so concerned about how many times a week her boyfriend calls her, maybe I should
be, too.
Researchers found that emotional conversations did not
affect boys negatively, perhaps because they occur less often or because the
tone is different. Boys may be more likely to focus on solutions to problems instead
of just venting them, which psychologists say is the most effective way to
converse.
One way parents can help their daughters avoid this
self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety, obsession and validation, and hence more
anxiety is to encourage your children to come to you for advice, so they get
the perspective of age at least some of the time. Any other tips for parents to help their daughters most effectively deal with emotional upsets?
Photo: New York Times
