By now you probably now that Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty of lying about campaign gifts. But what WERE those gifts? Must have been some spectacular stuff to be worth risking his political career and legacy for. Right?
Eh, no.
Howard Stern has been talking about this for awhile now – basically, Stevens sold his soul for, like, a barbecue grill. (But a really NICE one.) Jon Stewart weighed in last night (if the video doesn't work, try clicking here):
Personally, I prefer my corruption big. If you're going to go to jail for something, shouldn't it be something really huge? And if you're going to completely sell out to special interests, shouldn't you get better stuff than that crappy fish sculpture?
The details are just too wacky to be true, except that they are. From the Miami Herald:
Stevens maintained throughout his own testimony that he didn't want the things he was given — a grill, a fish sculpture, a generator, furniture, a high-tech massage chair, free labor — and that he never received bills for some of the work done on his home, even though he asked for invoices. He also continued to place much of the blame on his wife, Catherine, saying repeatedly that she was responsible for overseeing the renovations that led, in part, to his federal indictment. He simply was unaware of all renovation-related expenses, Stevens testified.Let's review. He didn't want the stuff. He asked for bills and never got them. (Funny how that NEVER happens to me. Or anyone else on the planet.) He's blaming his wife. (Nice.) And it gets better:
But jurors are unlikely to regard some of his assertions as credible, including Stevens' claim that a $2,695 massage chair was a loan, not a gift, from his friend Robert Persons in 2001.
The lead Justice Department prosecutor, Brenda Morris, read from an e-mail in which Stevens told Persons "the chair arrived and it's great," but added that he couldn't accept it as a gift, just as a loan. If it's a loan, Morris asked Stevens, why then is the chair still in his Washington, D.C., home more than seven years later?
"I told him I would not accept is as a gift," Stevens said. "We have lots of things in our house that do not belong with us."
If you could hear me, you would know that I am laughing. Out loud. "We have lots of things in our house that do not belong with us." What can one say about that? Imagine you are in your child's room and you notice a toy that looks unfamiliar. You ask them where they got it. "It's not mine. I have lots of things that aren't mine." Oh! OK.
And one more thing: Madeline points out in Morning News that Sarah Palin has asked Stevens to resign his Senate seat. Some have the audacity to suggest that Palin might be eyeing his job. Or as Madeline puts it: "Is Palin looking out for Alaska's best interest? If by Alaska, you mean Sarah Palin, then some say the answer is 'yes!'"
Oy.
Source: Miami Herald, hulu
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