For just a moment, I ask you readers
to imagine me as a pitchman on the back of an old timey wagon…
“Ladies and
gentlemen, I am here to tell you we’re all getting’ older. Yessiree, why in
fact you’re older now than you were when I started this pitch. Heck you’re even
older now. And now you’re older yet. Folks, there’s absolutely nothing you can
do to hold off the inevitability of aging and all the unsavory drooping that
comes with it. That is, until now. Right here in my hand I hold what may be the
greatest miracle invention on this earth since God invented the baby Jesus.
Inside this seemingly normal bottle is a gen-u-ine fountain of youth. Yep, take
a little dab and you’ll transform into a schoolgirl in pig tails once again.
It’s called Vavelta and it’s the handy-dandy, superfied, bone-fide, quantified
miracle cure to make you look young once more.
And how Mr.
Gamble, you ask, do we know this miracle cure works? Why, my good folks,
because it’s derived from the most amazing substance on God’s Green Earth: little
baby foreskins.”
Okay, enough
with the snake-oil salesman act. Let’s get to the nitty gritty. Like: How? Why?
What?!
Like I said,
the product is called Vavelta and it’s claimed to work better than Botox or any
of the other conventional wrinkle eradicating products on the market. So where
do the baby foreskins come in? Let’s ask Britain’s Daily Mail:
"Vavelta is a
clear liquid in which tiny skin cells, called fibroblasts, are suspended. These
are derived from baby foreskins donated by mothers at a hospital in the U.S.
after routine circumcision. The mothers and babies are screened before the
foreskins, which would otherwise be discarded, are used.
Once in Britain, they are divided into pieces less than a centimeter square and
treated with enzymes to release the fibroblasts. These are grown in sterile
conditions in labs. The process is monitored by the Food and Drug
Administration (FDA) in the U.S. and by Britain's Human Tissue Authority."
(Suddenly
writing this article has flooded my brain with foreskin jokes learned long ago
that are wholly inappropriate here.)
The ladies
who tested the product in trials say it’s a life changing miracle with few side
effects. And it comes at a miracle price: $2,300.
So I ask
you: women already inject fat and botulism into their faces, is this any
weirder? And are you down with injecting little boy foreskins into your face
for the sake of eternal(ish) youth?
More by this author:
Cute Overload: White Tiger Kitten and Monkey are Friends
(PICS!)
Men
with Baby Heads
The 26 Most Disturbing
Kids Movies Ever
