They hit us with the music first. While the stores are still stocked with mallowcreme pumpkins and orange bags of mini Snickers, they start piping a few holiday tunes into the mix to make us spend, spend, spend. Yes, there are still people who listen up and even (embarrassing confession coming) tune in themselves.
We've never met a "Silent Night" we didn't like, but we'd rather fill them up with renditions of Rudolph. So power up your iPods, here are the absolutely ridiculous songs you need to pack your playlist with to make sure the family's rockin' around the Christmas tree:
- "Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte - Hey, chingedy ching. You can make an ass of yourself in front of the kids singing this one - they won't mind. At the heart, it's a song about a little creature who helped Santa in a big way - and wouldn't you know it, the jolly old man shops in Brooklyn!
- "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin and the Chimpunks - An education in patience . . .and punctuality (where is Alvin?), the high-pitched 'munks can hula hoop those Gregorian chanters any day.
- "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" - Zoning code in just about every neighborhood prohibits parents from fulfilling this request, but here's a kid who's thinking out of the box. Now let's shoot for something that won't eat 90 pounds of grass a day. That puppy sounds better already.
- "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy - How is a song about a dead grandmother one we play every year for our kids? Truly a warped way to put you in the holiday spirit, but if you're sipping on the egg nog that got one over on Granny, you'll just smile and nod.
- "Mele Kalikimaka" - The Hawaiian Christmas song played over a Clark Griswold dream scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation cemented this as a holiday classic in a way that even Cousin Eddie in a banana hammock couldn't destroy. (It was Bing Crosby's silky smooth voice providing the soundtrack, by the way)
- "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - Although it paints Mommy as something of a tramp, this song adds a little more armor for parents in the fight to make them believe just one more year. See, he does exist - that guy on the radio saw him too. Supposedly the song was commissioned by
Needless Markup Neiman Marcus for a holiday advertising campaign. They were depending on kids to believe at least another year too. - "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" by assorted artists (Bruce Springsteen's version is far and away the best) - Score another one for Mom and Dad, because it doesn't get better than the Boss scratchy voice warning them the big guy won't be coming if they don't straighten up. Now's the time to teach them, you don't mess with the guys from Jersey. The space beneath the Meadowlands is full of the naughty boys and girls who tried it . . . and lost.
- "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - If Gene Autry can't give them a self-esteem boost this holiday, who can? The littlest Rudolph with his bright red nose will take their nose off their stuffed honker (what is it with passing a cold around the holiday table?) and back to the usual twenty questions about that fat man who makes it around the world in one night.
- "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" - When the kids start getting greedy, here's a hearty reminder that some kids don't get what they want . . . they get what they need. Maybe if they're still good after the holiday's over, the Tooth Fairy will get it for them.
- "Nuttin' for Christmas" - There are nuttin' but consequences for naughty little children, 'specially when someone's always snitching on them.
Image: CBS
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