Case Made In Defense of Teasing
Fears of bullying and violence and discrimination have led many schools to adopt very strong policies against teasing. And lord knows most of us could probably dredge up a painful school year or two when the taunts of classmates made our lives hell. In our important relationships, we are encouraged to avoid poking and instead honestly share our feelings. And don’t even get me started on the workplace… I mean, you’d be hard-pressed to defend teasing, right?
Hmm, during a difficult discussion with my sister about some serious tension between us, I said, “I think at least we can both agree the real problem here is you are a bitch.” She laughed.
This is part of the point of a great New York Times article in defense of teasing. The arguement is that while bullying and harassment are acts of aggression, other forms of teasing can actually serve to build bonds between people, alleviate tension, and allow us to deliver messages to each other in a less direct form. For example, couples who teased each other during discussions about loaded issues came away from the conversation feeling closer than couples who engaged in only direct discussion. And teasing can also help signal what behaviors are okay, and help establish social status. By prohibiting kids from teasing, we are discouraging an important kind of social interaction, one that can even help teach us not to take ourselves too seriously.
At least that’s the case made here, and me and my bitch sister would probably agree. But what do you think?
Related:
I’m overly sensitive to teasing, and have been for as long as I can remember. I was a bit of an outcast as a pre-teen, partly because I took everything so seriously/personally. My partner is a light-hearted teaser who also sometimes slips into pointed, hurtful humor. I still sometimes take the former the wrong way, and am very upset by the latter, but I’ve learned how to handle it.
I think it’s ridiculous to think that schools can enforce rules about such subtle aspects of relationships. And yes, light-hearted teasing is, for most people, a really valuable part of getting through difficult topics. Even for me, when it hits the right note. What a sad and disturbing thought, that kids would have this skill/tool taken away from them.
The examples provided aren’t even remotely related to the primary issue. “Teasing” in which the clear intent is to laugh WITH the target enhances the relationship. In bullying, the intention is, without any doubt, to inflict harm. The defense “I was only kidding” is commonly used to mask the actual underlying hostile intent. One can imagine situations in which one intended to tease, but came off as hurtful instead; which would, in most people, immediately elicit a hearfelt apology. Bullying interactions don’t spontaneously elicit heartfelt apologies, no matter the reaction of the intended victim, because the intent is to harm. Adults are right to intervene in cases in which the intent was to harm the other child; adults are right to ignore situations in which the teasing is mutually enjoyable, or unintentionally hurtful.
There’s a huge difference between teasing and taunting/bullying. Lighthearted teasing is the lifeblood of most of my best relationships; I can’t imagine how dull life would be without it. Taunting/bullying is a whole different beast.
I read the article a ocuple days ago and thought that it was really good. I’m totally on board with the ideas behind it. I know that teasing or a light-hearted remark can really ease tension between my husband and me. And I think it’s ridiculous that adults basically feel that they have to regulate every word that comes out of children’s mouths! Teasing and bullying are diffirent, and I’m tired of people taking everything so damn seriously!