Strollerderby

I have one set of grandparents who are all-too eager to swoop in for a week at a time and take care of our little guy. Neither of them are working full-time right now. The other two sets (my folks were divorced and both remarried) are all still working full-time, plus my mom has health problems that affect her mobility. She and my step father have watched our son for the evening a few times, but they haven't been "on-call" babysitters by any stretch.

Of course, we don't live particularly close to any of the grandparent sets, so we usually end up hiring a sitter.

My MIL lives really close to us, and my daughter (being the only granddaughter) is the golden child. She attends preschool but MIL does all the pick up and drop offs because she wants to.

We don't live close to either of the grandparents, but they come in to help nearly anytime we need it.  We realize that we are very fortunate and are so thankful for them.  I'm not sure how I'd fare as a grandparent however.  Maybe because I'm in the thick of it right now, I have no desire to take care of anyone else's kids.

My husband's mother has only seen our daughter four times (that is, about once every year and a half--she is almost six). My parents live far away, but love to spend time alone with her whenever they or we visit. My husband's father and stepmom live about 30 minutes away; they babysit occasionally and host an overnight maybe twice a year, but they really value their quiet time and space. We definitely don't have any "snow day" or "sick day" grandparents--too bad!

No help for us.  At first when I was very sick after number one arrived I called my mom to help for a week.  Since then she helped once when we went to Asia to adopt, she stayed with the toddler while we were away.  But since then, 5 years, she comes up once a year or not at all to visit at the holidays and we visit her for a week.  That is it.  My MIL lives 20 minutes away and will sit for a couple of hours maybe once every other mont if I need to see the doc or dentist.  Thats it.  Modern grandmothers have lives and jobs and are busy.  We are on our own.  

We (my husband and my daughter and I) lived with my parents for about a year while my husband was stationed in my hometown and was on active duty in the gulf.  I worked full time for a while and because we lived with my folks my co-workers automatically assumed that I had access to 24 hour child care.  My dad still worked and my mom, god bless her, was a little less than dependable.  She would often promise to watch my daughter or pick her up from her pre-school, and then back out at the last minute (she has fibromyalgia).  So I learned not to depend on her, no matter what her intentions (which were always good) were.  And I learned also not to hold it against her either.  Grandmas are not de facto babysitters, and I learned to appreciate whatever help she could give me.  But it would chap my ass when my boss or co- workers would just assume I could drop everything and pick up a shift because we lived with my mom.

Our baby doesn't need babysitting because it's still cooking in there, but both sets of Grandparents live a few hours away so I'm not expecting any help at all.

What has been weird for me is that I am adopted and apparently my Mom knows nothing (seriously... NOTHING) about pregnant people.  It's been pretty awkward.  I expected that I'd get pregnant and my Mom would be interested- and it's really weird when that doesn't happen.  She just pretends nothing is happening.  After our first ultrasound I told her about it and she asked if it was "supposed to move around" then I had to explain that I would need to wear special clothes.  You know, maternity clothes.

Sorry, I'm still a little freaked out by all that.

My parents and in-laws are both ecstatic when they get a chance to babysit their granddaughter -- the inlaws recently dropped everything and flew across the country to help us cope with a difficult situation.  I thought that was typical, but I guess I lucked out.  If I didn't have their help and support, I don't know how I would manage.  The idea of parents (usually the mother) having to do it all on her own without any family assistance just seems so wrong to me, even if you're fortunate enough to have a normally-abled child.  

Shannon- I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm dissing all adoptive Moms, I just happen to have a really weird one!

Jamie - is it possible that your mom is being a little distanced because she is feeling a little uncomfortable herself?  For example, I have a friend who is breastfeeding, when her mother did not.  It's been hard for her to talk about difficulties with breastfeeding with her mom, because she wants to push ahead and mom feels somewhat defensive, like her own choice not to bf is being criticized.  Do you know if your  mom wanted to be pregnant or had tried to be? If so, perhaps your pregnancy is bringing up some old feelings that are difficult, at the same time that she is happy and excited for you.  Maybe she would like to be interested more, but seems curt because she's a bit unsure how to go about it?  I don't know either of you or your situation - I know I might be entirely off-base.  But it's one possible idea, if the situation is troubling to you.

I'm not linking myself for this one!

My mother was happy to visit repeatedly when my babies were little, but the following dialogue also occurred:

Mom: What can I do to help?

Spouse: Well, the floors haven't been swept or mopped since we brought the baby home from the hospital three weeks ago....

Mom: That's not really what I had in mind.

Spouse: Maybe you could help us stock the freezer?

Mom: No, I don't cook anymore.

Spouse: The laundry?

Mom: I'd rather be close to the nursery.

Me: I'm having trouble with breastfeeding and all the books say I should drop everything else and focus on just that for 24-48 hours.  Could you help me do that?

Mom: OK, I can do that.  By the way, when do we eat?  Also, I don't like it when you go upstairs to nurse and fall asleep yourself.  Could you pay more attention to me?  And I'd really like to hold the baby now.

It wasn't that I expected my mother to help, not so much, but not only did she offer help and then decline to provide it, but she actively made more work for me.  I resented like crazy the idea that her only purpose in visiting was to cuddle my child, when I felt so exhausted from all the household labor that I barely had time to cuddle her myself.

My mother-in-law came and scrubbed floors, cleaned the kitchen, and ran errands, too.  It was really hard for me to ask for help, and it felt sometimes like she was trying to reorganize my household, but I look back on her actions with enormous gratitude.

All our grandparents live too far away to visit regularly, but when they do, they all offer to watch the kids so that spouse and I can have a night together.

Leah- I have thought the same things but I haven't been able to get any information out of her.  She is not exactly open to talking about it and we had a somewhat rocky relationship before this.  Thanks for your input thought!  This has been weighing on my mind and I appreciate it.

My parents live a thousand miles away, but if they were close, they'd be helping all the time. My child is their first grandchild, and they love him to pieces. My mom is actually coming at the end of the month because she misses him so much, she wants to babysit for a week. Seriously. My MIL does our daycare for us right now, but she hates it. She wants way more money than we can afford now, and she takes it out on our son. She had agreed to do our daycare for a certain amount, and even signed a contract! She charges us if we want to go out to dinner, and tries to nickel and dime us for diapers, wipes, and batteries for his bouncer. We're actually considering moving closer to my parents to avoid all this drama. In the short-term, we're shopping for other daycares.

Oh yeah, my MIL is unemployed (she quit her job and can't find another one that sounds good enough), so it's not like we're cutting into her limited free time.

My in laws watch my 11 month old son 5 days a week, while my husband and I work.  I'm so thankful for them, they love to take care of him and it's great for everyone.  My parents live about 10 hours away, so they can't help, but when we do see them they are happy to help.  Sure...they don't want to watch him everyday...but they will for a few hours if they are visiting.  I know not everyone has a situation like this, but I certainly am not the only mother I know whose parents help out...to say that grandparents aren't helping out is a large trend seems kind of a stretch to me...

My parents are an hour away, both work full time and would give the sun and moon to my kids (ages 10 and 5) if possible.  They are so generous of themselves, seeing the kids twice a month and even suggesting to keep the kids when they have vacation time, etc.  My husband's folks live states away, have traveled once in 10 years to see their grandson, and when they are together, there is very little physical contact and real engaging.  We once left the kids with them while my hubby and I took a little trip to the bookstore.  When we returned, my MIL was MIA - she had told the kids to be quiet while she went to take a nap.  That was the last time we ever asked her to watch them.  I have learned alot about the future role I would like to have in my grandchildren's lives...

None of our parents live close, which has both good and bad parts to it.   Even if my in-laws did live closer, I wouldn't want them doing full-time child care despite the money it would save.  It's not the environment I want for my kid, they wouldn't like it nearly as much in reality as they do in theory, and even with them living 1000 miles away we had one serious rift when they apparently mistook themselves for co-parents with an equal vote in decision making about my daughter.  

I'd love to have family nearby who could occasionally pick her up after school, or cover a sick day, and watch her every other Saturday night or something like that.  But I'm actually glad that full-time care was never on the table.  (If my mother lived closer it would be different as she still works, has hobbies, and understands that she's the grandma, not the co-ma).

My mom is saving her vacation time for when my twins arrive in August.  I don't think my MIL is as interested in hands-on kinds of help.  I think in this economy more extended families may be helping each other out in many ways, including childcare.

My husband's mother passed away a couple of years ago. While she was still relatively healthy she helped us a tremendous amount. She picked up my stepson after school each day and took him to her house or something more fun until my husband got off work and could pick up his son. That time, looking back, was absolutely priceless for David to get some extra time with his Other One Grandma (as we called her) before she passed on. She was absolutely amazing and we miss her greatly.

My mom is also a huge help. She lives about two minutes away on foot. Yep, right around the corner. She has an in-home daycare that she started when she got her first grandson (my sister's kid). She has since been the primary daycare for all 6 of her grandkids that live close by. She is invaluable. She did not charge us for as long as she could afford it. Now, needing a little more support, she has decided to charge me and my sister $2 per hour. Flat. No matter how many of our kids are there. I bring 2-4 depending on the time of day, school, etc. She only charges us while I am working. She does not charge for travel time or extra time. She also allows us to leave our kids with her almost any night of the week, once a week. We have left the kids with her for a week at a time to go out of town and remember how much we love each other. She is planning on having the kids this Saturday night so we can sleep all night! Priceless.

I know that we are not the norm. I also know that we are both blessed and lucky. We have had our rifts in the past but we have worked through them. Including the co-mama stuff. We do not abuse the priviledge of having help so close. And we throw in extra stuff when we can.

As far as the trend changing, could it be that people are having babies younger and working later in life. I don't know if this theory plays out. I work with teen moms so it is the population I am used to. I know alot of women who are called Grandma in their mid 30s. Those women sometimes still have young ones of their own and full time work. Just a thought.

Jamie: I hope it gets easier for you and your mom. Sounds like some rough waters. I hope you have some good friends that are sharing in the joy of your little blessing growing inside of you.

Oh my goodness, Shannon. This post made me laugh out loud. I love your comment about the villagers. That's absolutely perfect! As for my mother, she has the best of intentions; but, I recognize that she simply doesn't have the energy to babysit my children. So, on a rare occasion when I'm really in a bind, I ask her. And of course, she'd love to have them for a night; but, she gets herself into such a tizzy, I simply don't have the heart to impose on her.

My brother, on the otherhand, demands that my parents should feel obligated to take his children for weekends. His in-laws do that, and my mother scratches her head and wonders "doesn't he think we have a life?"

Excellent read!

As far as relatives go: The most willing help we get is from the two aunts (my sister and my partner's mother's roommate) who have not raised kids of their own. We also get an awesome amount of help from my dad, but I do get the sense that he's much more interested in hanging out with the kiddo than providing 100% care for more than a half-hour or hour at a time. My mom iss better at doing a little bit of dishes when she visits and not as good at providing the full attention necessary to watch a toddler.

None of them live locally, but everybody visits when they can. They've all learned, gradually for some, how to make their visits a boon rather than a bother for us. That is super valuable.

If any of our parents lived locally, I think it would be hard to find a balance of them having their own independent lives and them wanting to be there for us when we need them. The distance is helpful in that. Not that I feel that way when I'm feeling desparate and alone and need help NOW.

We are also very lucky to have non-meddlesome parents, all-around. That seems to be the biggest difference between our parents and those of most of our friends.

I wonder if grandparents used to help more, or if they were just local. I wonder if they did used to help more, if it was willingly or just societally expected. I wonder if it was willingly, if it was because family ties were stronger and social structures of support for everyone were stronger so everyone felt less defensive of "me me me." I am not suggesting an answer to these, just wondering. And I don't really expect the NY Times (or blogger, sorry) to answer that.

My husband's parents died several years ago, but they doted on my oldest and he was lucky to have known them.

Our oldest is my dad's favorite.  That being said, my parents helped raise my brother's four children and by the time I had my last two, they were done.  Now that the younger two are getting older (almost 5 and 6) they will help out occasionally when I have to go to a school meeting or the like.  But they never seem excited to see them, are rarely loving toward them etc.  

My own parents live in Europe, but would be happy to provide regular childcare. However, as my child is getting older (3.5 yrs now), I'm having less and less faith in their reliability as caregivers without my kid hurling herself out of a window or wandering onto a busy street while my parents are busy scrubbing the kitchen or preparing one of many scheduled meals throughout the day. Given the huge geographic distance, my daughter takes a long time to warm up to them; plus, increasingly, there's a language barrier.

On my partner's side, only his mother is still alive. She's a sprightly octogenarian, lives about 5 hours away from us, but sees our daughter regularly and can entertain her for a few hours at a time when needed (which is rare). But she also has her own priorities that can certainly outweigh spending time with our kid.

My daughter is the first grandchild for my parents, i was 19 when i had her, and my mom was only 40... when we would go out, people assumed my daughter was hers. but my mom and my step dad love to watch her, so do my younger sister and brother. my mom and stepdad work, my little sister is in college and works, and my brother is in school. so obviously i dont have babysitting whenever i want, but if i ever did want/need it, its there.

my mom took off 2 days of work (at least) to be at the hospital with me when I was having my daughter.

as for the other grandparents... my dad and stepmother, have seen her once for about 10 minutes in the 17 months since she was born, and were not invited to her b-day party... we dont get along. my fiancee's father and step mother were invited but only stayed for 20 minutes. his step mom is annoying and has boundary issues. and his father doesnt seem to care about it, and my daughter has freaked the two or three times she has seen him. and his mother lives in VT (we live in CT) and has never seen her.

frankly most of his family is, in my opinion, pretty inept at childcare. so i wouldnt leave her with them even if they offered. but my mom has watched her on a few occasions. i dont really ask much just because i like taking her with me. my mom always offers to take her so i can go shopping, but if i didnt have her there i would look totally wierd talking to myself, lol.

Anonymous, your experience is pretty much like how it went down with my MIL, who practically begged to come stay with us.  I ended up asking her to leave after she'd been with me for a few hours when it became obvious she was going to be much more of a hindrance than a help.  I asked my mom to come stay with me for a few days but she said I had to learn to do "that stuff" on my own.  And hubby went back to work two days after the baby was born.  I'm still really mad at all three of them and my daughter turns two in a few weeks.  It seems like no one wants to help out new mothers anymore, at least in my experience.