There are a lot of things I expected with parenting. Poop,
various smells, sleepless nights. There were also a lot of things that I heard
happened that I thought couldn’t possibly happen to me: tight knot in the
stomach every time you hear a sad news story about a child, talking about your
kids with your non-breeding friends.
Craig Playstead came up with a master list of the things you
probably didn’t see coming before the baby arrived.
1) The way you view the world changes
When you bring someone into this world, things like global
warming, war and women in beer ads have a whole new meaning. You start actually
looking at the impact these things have, and what the world will become after
you're dead and gone. Leaving a better place for your kids and grandkids
becomes more than just talk.
2) You'll feel like a failure
There will be times when no matter how hard you try, your
kids are never happy. You feel you're telling them “no” too much, constantly
harping on them to clean their room, or dashing their dreams of lowering their
brother down the staircase on a rope. While they may complain they don't have a
Wii or that “so and so's” mom let's them see PG-13 movies, you need to stick to
what you believe in and what you feel is best for your kids.
3) You have no time
This seems obvious, but you can't believe just how little
time you have. You start to measure things out in minutes and seconds. “If he
watches Curious George for 20 more seconds, I can go to the bathroom,” or “If
his nap lasts another 10 minutes, maybe I can get in a shower today.”
4) Not going to the bathroom by yourself
When your kids are babies, the bathroom is the only place
you can get your head together. It's also one of the only places you can actually
read. I read ESPN's Bill Simmons' entire book over the course of the week in
the bathroom when my youngest was a baby. And then he turned two. If he's not
forcing his way in to watch “how it's really done” he's banging on the door
screaming “let me in!” or sliding all his books underneath. There is no peace
with toddlers.
5) Parenthood will turn you soft
This one hits the guys especially hard. You'll find yourself
tearing up at any dumb movie that has anything to do with parenthood, and if
you have a daughter, don't be surprised to find yourself playing “My Little
Pony” before heading off to work. The icing on the cake is hawking Girl Scout
cookies in front of your local grocery store annually.
The
rest of Craig's list lives here.
