Stay-At-Home Moms are the Best, Aren’t They!
Oh, for God’s sake, Dr. Laura, put a lid on it.
The conservative call-in radio show host (and her kid’s mom!), Dr. Laura Schlessinger, has written a book that lays out her life’s philosophy — or at least the philosophy she’s pounded listeners over the head with since her show first aired 600 years ago.
“In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms,” the introduction of which is excerpted here in the Wall Street Journal, appears to be one unwittingly fortunate woman’s hearty pat on her own back for raising her child as she saw fit and admonishing those who didn’t follow the same script.
In a nutshell, Dr. Laura thinks children should not be put in daycare and parents should not get divorced. Period. It’s not that moms shouldn’t work, she argues. It’s just that moms shouldn’t be away from their kids. (Which gets a little complicated for the widowed forklift operator with a 9-month-old in her lap!)
From the introduction:
My husband and I came to the practical conclusion that I needed to
go back to radio work to be our family’s primary financial support,
while he would manage my career, the home, and our finances.
Nonetheless, I refused to take any job which would require me to be out
of the home every day while our son was home or awake! I would take
care of him all day and then go to work on radio, leaving the home at
9:00 PM after putting him to bed. Eventually, when he started
kindergarten, I landed a daytime shift while he was in school.
In order to do the writing and necessary research, I would get up at
5:00 AM and work a few hours before I woke him up to get ready for
school. I always worked my career around my family, never the other way
around.
She takes on her critics, who call her a hypocrite for having a career when she tells other women not to. She also responds to women who say they simply don’t have the kind of flexibility in their work that she had. What makes her different — and, let’s face it, perfect! — she explains, is that she never waivered from the following tenets (and you shouldn’t as well):
It is so very doable if you are:
– committed to the priority of raising your children yourself;
– part of a marriage, which obviously provides two parents;
– willing to sacrifice some opportunities for the sake of family;
– willing to “do without” many things — but not family time and attention; and
– not willing to compromise your conviction, no matter how pressed you get by circumstances or naysayers.
Actually, it’s not bad advice. And I don’t see where it requires being a SAHM/a radio DJ/unwilling to put kids in daycare to meet these goals.
I think that’s what really gets on my nerves and is actually destructive: Dr. Laura found a way of being a mother — a working mother with a flexible workplace (how about a book “In Praise of the Office Secretary Who was No Doubt Stuck Watching Dr. Laura’s Son While She was Working”) — that fit her life, personality and goals. And her philosophy as a mother. It’s easy to write a book praising yourself, especially when you’re looking back. We should all hope the choices we made work out and are deemed praise-worthy, if not by Dr. Laura, or a book publisher, then at least ourselves.
What I always think about the SAHM/working mom debate is that (1) the labels are way too simple — I’m sort of a SAHM yet also a working mother with childcare and (2) every mom/family is different. Our kids will be who they are, and, yes, that will have to do in large part with how we raised them, including being half-way up their asses from daybreak to sundown, absent from day break to sundown nearly 24/7, or some other work/home combination. Like us, our kids will all have their own history — they’re own story — based on their family life, what their parents did with them and for them. And good thing, too. Otherwise, it’s all a little Stepford … right?
Family circumstances influence how kids are raised; parents’
personalities matter; there’s more to parenting than face time. As long as our kids are safe, fed and educated, why nitpick at the particulars? Why focus on just one thing?
What do you think? Nothing matters more than weekday lunches with Mom? Or did Dr. Laura change your life?
Image: WSJonline
From the comments left here it sounds as if some of you moms are doing your kids a huge favor by NOT staying home with them! Of course I’m only talking about all those “moms” that are getting “great personal satisfaction” while spending hours away from their little ones and just aren’t “committed to the priority of raising children themselves” and NOT the huge population of “widowed forklift operators with a 9-month-old in their lap”.
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@NOP: I’m not positive of this but I think an 8:1 child to caregiver ratio for a 6 week old would be illegal in many states. It definitely would be in NY.
Whatever: “Maybe my daughter is in daycare, but at least she won’t grow up acting like a sanctimonious ass-hat.”
I think I love you. In a totally platonic non-creepy way of course.
to Beans Mom:
re:
“Currently I am working full-time and my husband is staying at home, doing part-time freelance writing. I am sure Dr. Laura would also reject this arrangement because it does not conform to traditional gender roles.”
just wanted to point out that, as an actual listener to her program, i’m pretty sureDr. Laura would applaud you 2 for finding a way to make it work without having to send your child to full time day care.
i wish people who feel free to spit false, negative opinions about her would actually listen to her for a month or so to get a true sense of what she’s about. she gets a bad rap.
if the rest of you
I stay home because it is what works for our family. Period. If working outside the home works for you, great….I don’t care.
Let’s just stop fighting about this. This debate is just about as stupid as the breastfeeding wars, and up there with the “women who get c-sections have been robbed by doctors”.
Makes me want to go out and get a job, just to spite her.
People need to understand there are stages and seasons to life. I think babies and toddlers do better with mom, but after that need the intensive one-on-one less as they get older. People have to make their own choices, though. I pick what I think is right for me, you pick what is right for you. Why not push Congress for 1 year paid or subsidized leave? This country is so far behind Western Europe, its a joke.
Hetty: I don’t know where you get your research claims. I am a clinical psychologist (a Dr. in a pertinent area, unlike “Dr. Laura”), and I looked into the question of stay-at home mom versus daycare on children’s development when I was studying for the licensing exam. The research showed over and over that children who attended quality day-cares fared just as well as children who were raised by stay-at-home parents.
WSP: You are being defensive here. I don’t see as many comments putting down SAHMs as I see comments rejecting Dr. Laura’s smug, judgmental attitude.
Shannon: I also don’t understand how Dr. Laura slept. She talks about going to work at 9pm. So yes, she is at home with the child when the child is awake, but is she also awake at the time? There’s something missing in her description of her superior arrangement.
Currently I am working full-time and my husband is staying at home, doing part-time freelance writing. I am sure Dr. Laura would also reject this arrangement because it does not conform to traditional gender roles.
I don’t have anything against SAHMs. I do have something against social conservatives trying to tell us how to live our lives, however.
This whole thread is so depressing. I’m at work at 6:00AM so I can leave at 2:00PM and have more time with my kids. Would I rather be with them full-time? Yes. Can I afford to do that? No. Those of you crapping all over the working-mom are clearly dealing with some of your own insecurities. I’m not going to justify my own situation and choices by putting down someone else’s. It’s no one’s business, as long as the children are being loved and cared for appropriately. What a great example you’re setting! I’m sure it must make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to point out what you see as shortcomings in the rest of us. Maybe my daughter is in daycare, but at least she won’t grow up acting like a sanctimonious ass-hat.
If you’re able to stay at home with your kids – I am happy for you – truly happy. What a blessing! But in this economy, that’s not an option for me…not if I want my kids to have health insurance and food.
really? seriously? interesting to open an article with such dismissiveness as “put a lid on it, Dr. Laura,” and then close it with feigned interest in “what do you think?” as if you were actually interested in hearing opposing viewpoints. (and i can see from the majority of the comments that you were speaking to the choir already.)
for any parent feeling offended by Dr. Laura, i would offer that we all put aside our egos for a minute and consider that — even if you disagree or are annoyed by her delivery — Dr. Laura’s content and intention is to HELP BETTER CHILDREN’S LIVES, not to make some mother feel small for having to work. and if you put yourself in a baby’s or child’s shoes… who do you think they would rather spend those (sometimes up to) 40+ hours a week in daycare with? stay in the daycare? a nanny? or mom or dad?
to say “people should do what they want”.. well, yea, they should. unless they have kids. then the kids should come first. yes, some people have to work out of necessity. the point is, not enough of us parents are really, deeply looking for ways we can “rearrange” our work lives so that the child has a primary caretaker that isn’t nanny or daycare. doesn’t mean that a little of either isn’t cool, enjoyable or fun for the child. but when parents are dropping off a 6 week old into daycare with a 4:1 adult to baby ratio (or worse, sometimes up to an 8:1 ratio), something is wrong. and yea, it’d be great when we have a society or laws or daycare that is better… but until then, don’t we owe it to our kids to at least try to be a SAHM (or at least get a more child-friendly job)?
my problem is not with the women who have no other choice, but to those who don’t try hard enough or aren’t willing to make necessary sacrifices to be able to be there for their children more… i’ve seen career women– women who are making 100K +, and whose husbands are too — take 6 weeks maternity leave, then immediately come back to 60, 70 hour work weeks. Really? This is in the child’s best interest? This mother and other’s like her couldn’t find a more baby-friendly job? all you haters seriously don’t know one parent who is acting a little self-centeredly? And kids don’t benefit from feeling like they are the center of their parents world? From knowing they always come first? We really need to wait for a study to tell us?
You want to know what i think Ms. Holler? i say bag it, naysayers. dr. laura rocks. always has, always will.
I don’t understand when Dr. Laura slept. She went to work at 9 p.m., did her show, and then somehow got enough sleep to get up at 5 a.m. to do research?! I’m thinking if I were in that situation, I would be such a crabby bitch that my kid wouldn’t benefit from having me home anyway.
What B/S. Why can’t parents just be happy they got to do things the way they wanted without judging everyone else? I did change my work schedule (and continue to do so) as needed so I can be there for my daughter, but I work in a retail job not a 9 to 5. Her advice is especially annoying in this economy where we all can’t pick and choose where we work. My daughter does spend a few hours a day in daycare and loves it! My partner stayed home with my daughter for a month while he was unemployed, when that month was over and my daughter went back to her babysitters she couldn’t have been happier. She got excited when we parked at her babysitters house, she was jumping up and down by the time we were at the door. My daughter loves her babysitter and our babysitters children like family, I couldn’t imagine denying my daughter relationships with other children by having her stay at home alone with me all day.
Dr. Laura is not doing stay-at-home moms a favor by airing her opinions…
WSP: I adore and admire my friends who are SAHMs. I give mad props for them doing what they do – I do not have the temperament to be a primary parent for more than about 4 days in a row.
This has nothing to do with “Dr.” Laura, who is continuing to strive to force all women into her rather hateful ideal. At least she has finally loosened up on gay marriage.
WSP, there is nothing wrong with occasionally ignoring your kids or *gasp* sending them outside to play and entertain themselves. While I admire women who spend all day doing enriching activities with their children, I agree with Bunny — the jury’s still out on whether or not this sort of parenting is any better than the traditional “go outside and play, darling” method. I think there’s a lot to be said for giving kids the freedom to learn how to entertain themselves and develop independence.
And Hetty, that’s some prize trolling there. Are the angry comments enough for you, or would you like a ribbon to go with them?
I love how Dr. Laura becomes the scapegoat for everyone’s thinly veiled hatred for the SAHM in general.
Yes, as a SAHM not all my time is quality time with my children. But guess what? I have the same goal as you, which is to raise my children to be people of their own, and this means occasionally ignoring them so I can get on the computer and spout comments on babble.
Good to see the Mommy Wars are alive and well!
If you no longer look 16, deal with it and move on. But I especially kind of enjoy the irony when incredibly vain people make themselves look like freaks to keep some sick version of youth.
If she didn’t look like a plastic surgeon’s victim and she was just ugly (as she is on the inside), I wouldn’t have said anything.
But I suppose there are so many more legitimate reasons to rag on Ol’ Doc Laura.
BTW to the person who asked if she’s a doctor – she has PHD in some feild of science, but not psychology. It’s really misleading to call herself a doctor in the context of her work as a giver of advice. If she was a real therapist in my neck of the woods, she wouldn’t be allowed to do hang out a shingle like that.
“Sorry if that does not work out well for your career plans.”
I don’t really care at all about my so-called “career.” I don’t work out of selfish reasons or some personal need for fulfillment. I work because I must. And I care about having a roof over my head, feeding and clothing my kids, saving for their college tuition and having enough money saved so that I am not a burden to my family in my old age…and so I go work and my kids go to daycare. And they are happy and bright and beautiful.
I guess if I didn’t work, then my children would be coming from a less than optimal environment, as we’d have no money, and then would be better off in daycare. Go figure.
Hetty: that is because the vast majority of available daycare kinda sucks. The solution is not to drive all the women back into the home (impossible, because hey, those naughty working women and their kids gotta eat, and dad isn’t always there, and even if he is, the cost of living is high); the solution is to improve the available daycare.
Also: everyone romanticizing staying at home with the kids seems to be forgetting that in the fifties, the good ol’ days of SAHM’ing, moms didn’t spend all day doing enriching activities with the kids. They spent a lot of time doing housework, watching the soaps, and sending the kids outside to play with other kids. Intensive mothering is a recent invention, and the jury is out as to whether it’s doing children any favors. Many experts believe that an unhappy mom, working or no, makes for unhappy kids, and that the best thing a mom can do for her family is doing what she needs to do to feel fulfilled, whether that means gazing at the baby all day or working 10-hour days.
In any case, anyone who sets out to make any mom feel guilty about any behavior that falls short of abuse is an enemy of women, IMO, and can suck it. Moms do some of the most important work in the world, and as long as the kid grows up, is relatively healthy, doesn’t hate you, and isn’t in jail? You did it right.
I work at a shelter for teen moms from 11pm – 7am. I took the job, and the cut in pay, because I could take my 3 month old son to work with me and not have to use the dang pump anymore. My older kids would stay home with dad for the night. I am allowed to snooze a bit and could then spend the entire day with my older kids. Due to the huge cut in pay, I have had to take on part-time jobs during the day and my mom watches my kids that are not yet in school.
I have always said I have the best of both worlds. I see ups and downs on both sides. I think we would be better off as parents to support each other’s safe decisions rather than tear each other apart. Each family is different. To expect a universal approach to this parenting thing is nothing short of ridiculous.
By the way, isn’t the “Dr.” part of Dr. Laura just something she made up? She isn’t really a doctor of anything is she? I have never listened to her. She must have been big before my time or my mom was just smart enough to not go anywhere near that trainwreck.
It is difficult when one’s desires do not coincide with the realities of life. The reality is that the ONLY children who do better in paid daycare than at home (or staying with Grandma or some such) are children from less than optimal environments. Recent studies have showed that kids from a fairly normal background have better outcomes if they spend the majority of their early years in a stable home environment (with Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt Sue, basically some relative that is not being PAID to care about them) than spending the majority of their waking horus in a paid daycare envirnoment. Sorry if that does not work out well for your career plans. But it is best for the kids. Read the latest research. (See the Wall St. Journal — they have done some good article on this question.)
Yes, I would love a job that is interesting, satisfying, well-paying, extremely flexible, and allows me to be a stay-at-home mom! Alas, I haven’t found one yet. Anyone know where I can get one?
I would like to know how much face time with her children was what would be considered “quality” time.
For my family, I know that our son is better off in daycare, where teachers can work directly with him and he interacts and leans from his peers. I also know that when I do get face time with my child, he is able to get my entire attention or what I would call 100% quality time with mom, which I imagine is more difficult to dofor a full-time stay-at-home mom.
Every family is different and Dr. Laura of all people should know this — she has a ultra flexible job.
I listened to Dr. Laura long ago and I am now a stay at home Mom.
I worked really hard for years, we scrimped and saved, I had a fabulous career and we gave up a lot. For one, I waited until I was almost 30 before we could “afford” to have a baby because I wanted to be home with the baby for at least the first five years. Naysayers touted We’d never be able to “afford kids”, but we stuck to the plan and I am happy about my choice.
I am fulfilled, I also have nothing to prove and I wouldn’t do it differently for all the money in the world.
I’m not making any judgment about other family arrangements or situations, to each her/his own.
I’m just admitting Dr. Laura was a big influence in my choosing the path I did and I appreciate her for that.
PS Beeker, don’t agree with a lady so attack her physical appearance? Really?!
I was a single working mom with my first child. I was also only 20 years old. Funny enough, my child is 8 and reads at a 7th grade level, has very well-developed social skills, and is a very independent free-thinker.
Now, I am also a working mom. My littlest stays at home with Papa during the day (and has since birth). He works a few evenings, a weekend day or so to supplement our income, but my job pays the rent, buys our clothes and provides the health insurance.
The only way I could stay at home would be to get on welfare, take foodstamps and medicaid. The way I figure, if I don’t NEED the help, I shouldn’t take it. We’re not all blessed with trust funds or big savings accounts.
Who are Dr. Laura’s kids? I’m just wondering if they’ve come up with the cure to cancer since Dr. Laura did such a great job raising them. She can blow it out her sanctimonious ass for all I care. I mean, really. Barack Obama’s mother probably didn’t raise her kids to Dr. Laura’s standards, but he turned out pretty darn okay, now didn’t he?
I second what Hillary said re: advocating for better parental leave from the gov and employers.
As I watched my daughter run up the stairs to the daycare she loves, right into the arms of her teacher and then left for a job that provides our family with health insurance and gives me great personal satisfaction – not a shred of guilt or doubt that what we’re doing is right for OUR family.
Echoing the words of Just Another Working Mom, who points out that Dr. Laura is also is just another working mom, albeit a lucky one with a very flexible schedule.
Also, I would add that instead of making mothers who are not as lucky as she feel guilty about working outside the home and leaving their kids with nannies or daycares, Dr. Laura would reach her goal of having all children with their parents all the time faster if she advocated the government and employers for more flexibility and parental leave.
Thanks, Porkchopz … “tenants” … jeeezus.
She should lay off the plastic surgery for a bit. She’s getting a Joan Rivers vibe. She’s not nearly that talented!
tenets…not tenants
There’s nothing more sick-making than famous working moms claiming to be stay-at-home-moms and berating other women for working. See also: Caitlin Flanagan (a “SAHM” who writes books and goes on book tours!) and Phyllis Schlafly (a “SAHM” who somehow, without “working,” managed to have enough political clout to sink the ERA!).
There’s a special place in hell…
Dr. Laura is just too far beneath my radar. The best reaction to her is to ignore her ridiculous babble and live your own happy, fulfilling life, however you choose to live it. We all know kids can grow up healthy and happy in a variety of ways – anyone who says the only way is theirs is ignorant.
“5-8AM and after 9PM are not realistic options for the white collar work force.”
Or the the blue-collar work force. Or… pretty much anyone who has anything other than a luxury job. But then I suppose that isn’t really the point; the point is that the mommy wars continue, endlessly.
I couldn’t stand Dr. Laura before I became a parent, and now that I have a child I really despise her. What more can I say? I was ready to write all the things I do, as a working mother, that demonstrate how well I am raising my daughter. But ultimately, I have nothing to prove. My daughter is happy and healthy. My mom worked outside of the home too, and I’m happy and healthy. Dr. Laura can bite the kite.
She sounds like a hypocrite for sure. Perhaps she is just trying to psyche out the competition;)
Agree with some of her points, definitely not her style. Bottom line, people (should) do what they want!
My take: http://mamameyeah.blogspot.com/2009/04/probably-not-going-to-go-out-for-beer.html
Anyway you slice it…Dr Laura is a working mom with a very flexible schedule…who should be thanking the women’s movement for allowing her to have a radio job with a flexible schedule.
Lucky Laura – she had the type of career that allowed her to be far more flexible then most of us. Unfortunately, most do not have the luxury of finding work during odd hours – 5-8AM and after 9PM are not realistic options for the white collar work force.
I’m glad Dr. Laura feels satisfied with her parenting job, I just hope she remembered not to pass on her arrogance and judgmental ways while she was taking care of her children.
What happened to “it takes a village…”?