When I was a preteen, I was diagnosed with a serious kidney
disease. My long divorced parents, who were normally quite cordial with one
another, differed sharply in their opinions over my treatment, leading to
screaming fights and subtle psychological tug-of-wars. They may have been able
to compromise over who paid for violin lessons, but when it came to their
daughter’s health, neither of my parents was willing to put their beliefs
aside.
A Washington Post writer recently discussed this problem
with family therapist Elayne Savage, whose commonsense recommendations echo
the solutions that my parents eventually found.
Most importantly, Savage suggests enlisting the help of a
counselor or mediator. The shift in my parents’ attitudes to each other changed
palbably after they started seeing a mediator. Neither of my parents stopped
telling me what they believed would be best, but it was no longer couched in
terms of the “better” solution. Rather, they both simply explained to me what they
would like me to do for my health (in my dad’s case, acupuncture and energy
healers; in my mom’s, the most aggressive mainstream interventions), without
pushing me or scaring me.
I learned to speak to my dad about certain health concerns
and my mom about others, just as many children of married parents would do. I understood how my parents' approaches differed, but I ultimately felt this meant that I had more options, rather than less.
Savage also points out that doctors themselves can also
be instrumental in helping parents reach agreements. When one parent feels
strongly that medical intervention is not necessary or could even be harmful, a
trustworthy doctor can step in and make recommendations that take nothing but
the child’s health into account. I was lucky to have such a doctor, who sat
down with both of my parents and me and thoroughly explained each of my options
and the probable outcomes. In his presence, the three of us came to an agreement
about my treatment, so there was no danger of emotions running too high.
Photo: lilsugar.com
