Poop
does not abide by the laws of gravity
I heard screaming from downstairs, my daughter wailing,
“Daddy come look at this!” Sounded like the typical 50-times-a-day emergency
drill. When I arrived downstairs I saw nothing out of the ordinary. “What is
it,” I asked. “Dalton’s poop!” she replied. I searched the room. “Where?” She
pointed up. Hanging from the ceiling was a perfect orb of poop, the exact size
of a baseball. For a moment I had to just stare at it wondrously. Whatever feat
got it up there, it was clearly the work of a master. Impressed, I applauded,
then cried.
Poop
likes to be talked too
Whenever I change Dalton’s diaper, Dalton’s makes sure to
greet it (“Hi Poop!”) and bid it adieu when it goes in the trash (“Bye Poop!”)
Poop
wants to be free – the last place poop wants to be is in a diaper
Smashed into the rug, on the bottoms of shoes, on the wall,
next to the toilet (“so close, buddy”)…
The
less access you have to diapers and wipes, the more volumous and offensive the
poop will be.
You
will find things in poop that don’t occur in nature
If I had a dime for every time I uttered, “Have you ever
seen this color before in your life” I’d enough dimes to…forget it. I don’t
want your poop dimes.
Black
birthday cake frosting makes poop green
Brown
carpeting seems like a great idea for hiding stains…until you consider the
stains you want to find.
Your
dog and child will work together to spread the joy.
Boy takes off poopy diaper. Border Collie immediately shreds
into poop confetti for spreading over the entire basement.
Zoo's clearly feed their animals a better diet than you do your kid, because what comes out of your kid's rear smells worse than elephant poop.
The day
the poop goes in the toilet is a glorious one…followed by another 6 months of
poop everywhere else.
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