I myself have a stepmother. During my teenage years, our
relationship consisted soley of butting heads. It’s tough to be a stepmother
and it’s tough to get one. We’re cool now, but back in the day…not so much.
These days stepparents are the norm rather than the exception. However; that
hasn’t changed the friction new mommies and daddies create with their new kids.
Though there’s no universal guide, Rosemary Rogers, a
three-time stepmother, put together this pretty sound list of things a stepmom
should never say…assuming she wants a relationship with her step kids. Though I’m
not sure the title “three-time step mother” engenders a great deal of
confidence in her step mothering success, the list itself, at least from my
step child perspective, is spot on.
1. "Go ahead, call me Mom!"
You're not their mother, and you never will be. They're
conflicted enough, and pushing them to use a mom-name will only confuse them
more.
Corollary: "We're going to be one big, happy
family!"
You might eventually become the happiest of stepfamilies,
but it won't happen overnight. Studies show the new family dynamic takes at
least three years to fall into place, and the first year is the toughest.
2. "Feel free! Do whatever you want."
Almost as much as they need love, children need boundaries
and are adrift without rules. Learn to say (not scream, please) the phrase,
"In this house, we ...," so that time together will not be bogged
down with endless negotiations.
Corollary: "Let's get down!"
No matter how close in age you are to your stepchildren,
you're still a parent figure; try to be an example of mature living and not
"one of the gang." This is especially true if your step kids belong
to that group of psychotics euphemistically known as teenagers. Chances are
they won't think you're cool for very long.
3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive,"
"I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc.
Don't let your step kids (or their father) turn you into the
creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel
creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out. You're
better off being wicked.
4. "Why the long face?"
Your stepchildren are allowed to be sad -- they're in
mourning. Let them grieve if and when they feel like it. Sorry, but they
probably will grieve more around you, since you're the evidence that their
parents are never getting back together. Don't call attention to their sorrow;
remove yourself, and get Dad to be a mom at this point. Their depression will
pass --they're kids.
5. "Your dad and I always ... "
Don't allude to the great times you have with their father
when they're not around. They already feel left out and probably imagine the
two of you tossing your heads back laughing, spending wads of money, and
throwing Ring Ding wrappers on the floor (not to mention the sexual fantasies
going on in their fevered little brains). If you want to give them a positive
image of a loving couple, just be a loving couple.
6. "Did your mother bring you up to do that?"
Never bad-mouth the ex -- and your husband (or partner)
shouldn't either, even if the fur is still flying. Studies show that it's the
ongoing conflict after divorce that hurts kids the most.
Corollary: "How could you have married such an
idiot?"
Don't stand next to him when he's on the phone with his ex,
making faces and sticking your finger down your throat. Don't write her letters
or e-mails, and if she's a crank caller, get caller ID. Fighting about the ex
-- call it the 'ex hex' -- is the equivalent of having a stink bomb thrown into
your marriage.
The rest of Rosemary’s list is here.
More by this Author:
Things You Should Never Say at a Chuck E Cheese Birthday Party
