Strollerderby

The author of Real Boys (www.amazon.com/.../ref=sr_1_1) would probably state that this father is instilling in his son the same things his father instilled in him: that the only acceptable emotions for "men" are anger and shame. Emphasis on the shame, in this situation.

Clearly, this father thinks it is ok to belittle the feelings of his son in favor of a little alone time.

I read the whole article from Mr. Sallan and I think that he did the right thing.  He even points out that his son had a great time watching movies and playing video games.  By not giving in to the temptation to overreact and rushing home he did teach his son a valuable lesson.  Namely, one bad thing happening does not have to ruin a whole experience.  Also, it is our job as parents to help children tell the difference between a problem and a real crisis.  It is like how EVERY story on CNN is BREAKING NEWS.  It was a nose bleed, not an amputated arm.  Dad called a doctor, checked in often and everyone, including the son, had a good weekend.  I don't think it is selfish to teach our children that their needs or wants do not always come first, that is called life.  

Our first job as parents is to prepare our children to have successful and happy lives and how can we do that if the biggest lesson that we teach them is that their wants trump everyone else's?  Try living your life as an adult that way and see how far you go.

I agree with him.  That kid is way too old to be freaking out over a nosebleed.  Parents baby their kids way too much.  If he were 2 years old then I would have gone home but 12?  He has pubes and BO for pete's sake!

I also would have ditched the kid for the slopes!  I read his full article, and the beginning puts this into context.  He wanted to emphasize that parents (both Moms and Dads, although he points out that Moms forget about this more often)need to take care of themselves, and don't need to feel guilty about it.  The difference between his and his wife's reaction was also explained on how she is new to being a parent, while he was a single dad for a long time before they were married.  

I don't think he's a jerk at all either. I would also tell a girl to suck it up. It's a nosebleed for heaven's sake! And the child is 12! Some 12 year olds smoke and get pregnant.

Men need to ask themselves this: If the kid's Mother behaved the same way as I do, would the kid get the care he or she needs to become a healthy adult? If the answer is no, then you're a jerk who isn't doing your share. That's all there is to it.

I'm against helicopter parenting, but I'm also aware of the numerous studies that have shown strong relationships between child IQ and paternal involvement.

Hi, this is Bruce Sallan writing and if you'd like to see my rebuttal or feedback to this blog, please go to my blog at momlogic.com.  Hit the bloggers tab, scroll down to my name (it's alphabetical) and hit my name and the first blog is my response.  Please leave any comments you have for me there!

Keri - I'm most curious your reaction.  Frankly, I think you were pretty even-handed in your posting here.  I fill in some of the blanks and am curious what you will now say?

Bruce Sallan

What is wrong with saying "be a man."  Are you actually saying, like they teach in college, that there are no differences between the genders?  I wish I'd had a daughter (or two), so I can't comment on specific experiences with girls, but I also agree that "strength" in character and dealing with your fears should apply equally to boys and girls.  BUT, as a man I feel the term man and societies treatment of men as men has been severely diminished, often with the result that boys don't know how to behave.  Heck, in elementary school, boys are disciplined for not wanting to read certain books approved by the school district that just don't appeal to boys.  There are more suicides, drop-outs, and all sorts of problems that boys are having now, more than ever before, because they're not being allowed to do those things that are inherent in their gender.  I'm not including bullying or violent behavior as good, to be clear.  But, boys are different.  And, yes, a boy crying is okay but it's less okay than when a girl cries.  Our society has become too feminized, especially in primary grades.  So, I stand by teaching my boys to be better men.  I'm working on being a better man ALL THE TIME.  That includes, in my philosophy, treating "our" women with the undying love and respect as this is no caveman philosophy I'm advocating.  As for having fears, again, it's a matter of perspective.  Sometimes we've got to get over our fears, regardless of our age.  Sometimes we need to be held and loved.  When they were young and ran into my room because of a loud, scary storm, I didn't tell them to tough it out and be men; I just held them and comforted them.  The dogs would jump on the bed, too and we were one big huggy family and I adored every minute of it.  Again, like everything in life there's a middle ground and I actually think you and I are basically in total agreement.  But, I haven't heard from the writer of this blog yet...please weigh in Kari (on momlogic would be nice since that's where I placed my response).

Other than the comment about how in colleges it is taught that there is no difference between the genders, I agree with what Bruce is saying here.  The definition of the word "man" has been shaped, kneaded, tweaked, fine-tuned, expanded, contracted, pummeled and questioned for at least 2-3 decades now.  There is a difference between being a man and being a woman that has a basis in biology; and it is that difference that has got layered with meaning by cultural processes.  The concept of "sex" (as in "a person's sex") revolves around the biological difference; the concept of "gender" revolves around those layers of meaning, which are comparatively unstable and dynamic through time than the difference between the male and female sexes is, as far as I know, enduring or constant.  By the way, what colleges ARE teaching -- and I say this as a college professor -- is NOT "there is no difference between the genders."  What IS being taught is more along the following lines: Conceptualizing gender differences (a process that, as I wrote, shifts through time) in a way that artificially or arbitrarily grants to members of one gender privileges or opportunities that could reasonably be available to members of the other gender is unsatisfactory.  This has led, as ideas will, a variety of reactions, many of them extreme in one direction or other, and offensive, and sometimes goofy.  Personally, when I try to make sense of gender, I look to ancient Asian concepts of yin and yang as elemental forces of the universe that must be in balance for the earth, regions, nations, communities and individual persons to thrive.  Man and woman embody both of those forces, but men tend to have more of one, women of the other.