Unwed Motherhood on the Rise; Paternalists on the Warpath
Since the new statistics arrived suggesting that the numbers of unmarried women having children are rising–and that these women are sometimes having children alone by choice–the tsk-tskers have been having a field day.
I do find her questions about where the unmarried (at least to these mothers) fathers of unmarried women’s children are, both in reality and in the discourse about the issue, to be refreshing. I think it is indeed decidedly unfeminist to go on and on about women and children these days with nary a reference to the men who, let’s face it, make single motherhood possible in the first place.
But her conclusion that because children with two parents continue to fare better in research than children with only one, society should get back to “encouraging” marriage between people who’ve procreated is simplistic, short-sighted and posits a red herring in place of the real issue.
The research shows that children with two parents fare better than those with one, not that children with parents who are married to each other fare best. Marriage per se does not provide a child with a functional parent and lack of a marriage certificate does not deprive a child of one. Rather, even in this recent research, it was found that a sizeable percentage of “unmarried” mothers are not, in fact single mothers, but mothers who co-parent with their children’s fathers either in the same home without benefit of marriage or in separate homes.
As for mothers who choose to to go it alone via unknown or at least uninvolved “fathers” whether sperm donors, ex-boyfriends or one-night stands, those children need not be deprived of the benefits of a multiple-parent home just because their mothers are not married. There are many ways to raise children these days including living in various forms of community or cooperation with others, including extended family arrangements.
I also have to wonder what percentage of these births to “unwed” mothers might have been to lesbian couples, whom most states do not allow to appear together on a child’s original birth certificate. (Birth certificates were used as the basis for the study.) Again, these are not really single mothers. (And am I the only one whose irony censor is bleeping away about the fact the on the one hand, we are told to encourage marriage among “unwed” mothers and on the other we are told that lesbians with a mad, raging desire to marry and support one another’s children can’t be allowed to do so?)
Whatever the reasons for the growing number of children born to women not married to their genetic fathers, such children should not be discriminated against and neither should their mothers. Rather than pulling out the rather musty notion that paternalism, and/or downright patriarchy is what these women and their children need, why not directly open our society’s resources to benefit these families? How? Universal healthcare access, generous family leave benefits to workers, better quality free schooling, and family law that recognizes families as they are rather than wishing for what they never were. Because regardless of how much society encourages marriage among parents, women will continue to get pregnant and bear children outside of marriage, just as they have from time immemorial. All the encouragement in the world will not make it go away.
A mother and her child is not a defective family unit. It’s just a family unit. Period. Recognizing that is the first step in making the road smoother for such families and most importantly, the many, many children growing up within them.
See also:
Adoption Tide Turns in Florida?
What You Learn When Your Parents’ Marriage Sucks (at Lemondrop)
Wow – all these cads abandoning their wives and children to party their life away. Funny, last time I saw, women initiated the majority of divorces in this country.
Funny how Anonymous commented:
“Child support laws are no longer geared to protect women.”
Well, the cat’s out of the bag! Child support should be used to protect the CHILDREN, NOT WOMEN.
Amazing how you write a post about a topic and never actually answer the question. Must be a feminist genetic trait.
As a single mother (whose husband decided marriage and fatherhood wasn’t enough fun for him after the children were born) and a lawyer who sees numerous domestic cases daily, I sometimes wonder why women continue to marry and have children at all. The system seems broken. The women are left with children to raise, jobs to work, bills to pay, too little time and energy to do it all in, and no help. Child support laws are no longer geared to protect women. And most of the time, they are portrayed as selfish sinners who are incompetent! Meanwhile, the father is out partying and helping to create another baby and possibly living off the other woman until he leaves her as well. Women – wise up. If you want a child, be sure it is on your own terms. But be prepared to do it all yourself. That’s probably how it’s going to end up. And obviously people will criticize you for it. According to the latest trends, we are selfish feminists if we try to have a career at the expense of families; now, we are selfish feminists if we are single mothers! Hilarious.
Of course the individuals who believe that non-marital sex is wrong will have words to say about the single mothers who cannot choose to marry the fathers of their children, but whatever.
What about the single mothers who *were* married when their children were born, but how are now divorced and/or abandoned by their children’s fathers? My MIL didn’t choose to be a single mom of 3 – her husband chose it for her when he ran off and successfully avoided paying child support for the next 11 years (with help from the child support laws of the time, which were unfortunately a lot less child-friendly than they are today). He didn’t want to be a father or a husband once the kids were actually on the planet, and I’m sure there’s plenty of men like him still in action today. Blaming women for such men’s actions is ridiculous.
My single mother was much better for my sister and I than if she had remained married to our alcoholic, verbally abusive father.
Thanks for the reminder that plenty of single mothers have no choice to marry or not anyway!
My childs father opted out of parenting. He terminated his rights on the first attempt by the attorney to contact him. I have not heard from him since.
Right on, Shannon. Thank you.
From Cathy Young’s article:
“The economic and social pressures that used to propel people into marriage no longer exist; even Bristol Palin, the daughter of Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, a conservative Christian, can opt out of marrying her baby’s father without opprobrium. Expectations of love and emotional satisfaction in marriage are much higher than they once were. Gender roles are in flux.”
Silly me… I thought all this change was a GOOD thing. Stuff marriage if it’s not making your life better. Unhappily married parents are bad for children.
Amen.