In a stunning move calculated to singlehandedly erase goodwill and camaraderie among its students, a Virginia middle school has initiated a new policy outlawing touching of any kind, including handshakes, high-fives, and pats on the back. Teachers in public schools have long been forced to refrain from harmless affection to their students lest something might be ill-perceived, but this new rule is about the students. That's right, at this school a mid-game congratulatory high-five will likely get you a trip to the principal's office or at the very least a "dirty look" from a teacher.
Just to be clear, we're not talking PDAs here. Nor are we talking any sort of inappropriate contact.
So let's take this out to its illogical extreme: say, as the article suggests, that this snowballs and soon every school in the land bans contact among students. Kids will grow up unable to express or receive innocent affection. Armies of therapists will assist these kids, as they mature, in forming healthy relationships, as they will likely be unable to do so on their own. Affection in the family also will wane despite parents' best intentions, simply from the indoctrination of the schools. Even the huggiest of families will be unable to stem the tide.
And what's after that? Sex-for-procreation only? A plummeting birth rate? Economic collapse and eventual global anarchy?
Rethink, misguided school of Virginia! Help save the human race! We need innocent, affectionate touch!
