Would you sooner stuff your daughter’s stocking with coal than with those slutty little Polly Pockets? Does your son need another battery operated truck like he needs massive head wound? If you’re like me, and the thought of going to Toy’s ‘R’ Us to buy whatever insipid drivel they’re marketing as hot stuff this year makes you want to burn the place down, then this list is for you. Behold, a round-up of toys likely to make kids of all ages joyfully exclaim ".... what the hell is this?" this holiday season!
The Bacon Wristband and The Bacon Air Freshener: Want to help your tween stand out from their Livestrong and Fight Breast Cancer bracelet wearing friends? The Bacon Wristband is inexpensive, unique, and looks like real bacon! As any twelve year old girl knows, you can never have enough jewelry. Or pork. While you’re at it, why not pick up the Bacon Air Freshener for your son’s room? If he’s starting to get that dirty-sock-sweaty-pit-boy-stank up in his room, he’ll enjoy receiving it as much as you enjoy giving it. Funky Fresh! Both bacon items make excellent stocking stuffers.
The Avenging Unicorn Action Play Set: Looking for a creative way to help your middle schooler deal with their frustration over not winning the school science fair, or being snubbed by those bitches on the cheerleading squad? The Avenging Unicorn Action Play Set helps kids vent their feelings of anger in a safe and mythical environment. Your son or daughter’s rage will be quelled by the unicorn’s four removable magic horns, as well as the mime, new age hippy and businessman (looks like Dad!) included for their impaling pleasure.
Unusual Action Figures: Does your kindergarten daughter already have Barbie, Ken and the rest of the family living in the Barbie Dream House? Then how about inviting Barbie’s great-aunt, The Lunch Lady Action Figure, over for Christmas dinner? She comes complete with a food scooper clutched in her hand, hairnet, and compartmentalized cafeteria tray. Nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like an ice cream-shaped scoop of mashed potatoes on a yellow plastic tray. Thanks, Lunch Lady!
Ken’s older brother, The Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure, is always an interesting addition to any family gathering. Don’t worry – he won’t forget his removable surgical mask, and he won’t shake your hand. But he comes with a sanitary moist towelette, just in case. Help your child understand the importance of including even the most boring and dreadful of family members in holiday celebrations by seating the Obsessive Compulsive guy ‘round the Dream House table this year.
Every family has an annoying drunkard in it, and Barbie's shouldn't be an exception. Invite this amazing Marie Antionette Action Figure over, give her a stiff cocktail, and watch her eject her own head from her body!
And if this off-beat family affair isn't quite awkward enough, Midge's second cousin, the Pregnant Talking Trailer Trash Doll is guaranteed to show up high on smack, hit on Obsessive Compulsive guy, enrage the conservative Lunch Lady, and send the evening spiraling into a dervish of repressed rage and familial embarassment. Sweet!
Harvest Your Own Pearl Kit: For your high school aged daughter who has champagne tastes, and no job, this is the perfect gift. Teach the youngster the meaning of hard work by giving her a canned oyster, which she can pry open to find her own perfect pearl! Comes complete with a necklace specially designed to hold the fruits of her labor. Priceless!
These gifts and much, much more available at - you guessed it - stupid.com.
