Strollerderby : David Hasselhoff

10 Awesomely Bad Celebrity Dads

Cole Gamble — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:04:00 GMT

Just in time for Father’s day, I am giving you dads out there the greatest present of all: I’m showing you how good a father you are by showcasing these famous dads who are totally worse.

Pete Doherty

If you are not familiar with this British rocker/cocaine enthusiast, meet Pete Doherty. Pete is known for two things: dating the elder statesman of super models, Kate Moss, and spending more time doing drugs than breathing. I could go on all day about what a stellar father Doherty makes, but why should I when, 1) this photo speaks volumes;

and 2) this quote from Pete himself speaking of the young son he has never seen does the job: “I’ve got two (children). Poor little fu%*er. My sister sees him all the time, so there’s affection as a family for him.” Somebody put that in a greeting card.

Alec Baldwin

I love Alec Baldwin. Actually for a long time I didn’t enjoy Alec Baldwin’s acting because it seemed to me stiff and pompous. Nothing has changed about his acting style, but now that Alec has determined he is a comedic actor, his stiff and pompous act totally works. A far as fatherhood, though, well, let us give a listen to a certain phone call Alec placed to his daughter.

Although I myself do not yet have a teenage daughter, I'll bet many father's get this pissed at their adolsecent kids. Which goes to prove the old adage, the only differnce between a good father and a bad ftaher is a tape recorder.

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson has been laying low for a while. Reeeeeeeal low. That’s good, because this is what he does when he addresses the public.

Michael Lohan

ME: Hey Michael Lohan, father of Lindsey Lohan, I’d like to include you in my article about terrible celebrity dads.”
Michael Lohan: “Alright.”
ME: “Listen, could you submit me a photo?”
ML: “Sure, here’s this.”

ME: “Um, you got anything that doesn’t have you in a wifebeater? Maybe something that doesn’t instantly peg you as a sleaze bag?”
ML: “But Cole, when I'm not in prison for securities fraud, I'm driving drunk. I did a lot of that while Lindsey was growing up and now that I have screwed her up and sent her into a downward spiral, I’m angling to see how much of what’s left of her diminishing fortune I can get my hands on. I am a sleaze bag.”
ME: “Point taken.”

David Hasselhoff

You don’t Hassle the Hoff. Like when he’s lying shirtless on the floor trying to negotiate a particularly wily hamburger. And you don’t tell him he’s got a drinking problem, even if you’re his kid. And you especially don't videotape the whole affair.

Darth Vader

Almost didn’t make this list. Darth did display a lot of bad dad behavior (chopping off your son’s hand usually piques the interest of CPS. Also not knowing you have a daughter is a red flag.) But in the end, you have to give Darth credit, he and Luke did bond in a nice father-son activity (killing the Emporer) and then spent some quality time in the hanger bay before old Darth turned into a ghost. If that’s not as good as playing a little catch with the kid, I don’t know what is.

Rick Hilton

Rick, I don’t know how to say this…do you exist? I have seen plenty of your daughter. Oh lordy, I have seen way too much of your daughter, but not so much of you. What magic spell will it take the cardboard cutout this picture reveals you to be and transform you into a living breathing person who, you know, parents his daughter?

George Foreman

How is George Foreman as a parent? I’m not sure but if you take a look at his kids’ names, you might get an idea of what his sole motivation for becoming a parent in the first place: George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI George Travis Walls.
Why build statues of tribute to yourself when you can just have kids to live in your perpetual, egomanical shadow?

AND NUMBER 1:

Joe Simpson

Oh Joe Simpson, you silly, funny, incredibly creepy man. One might say that as a dad you are “too involved.” But I don’t think so. Is it strange to take semi-erotic publicity photos of your own child, like this one I can't show you because I would have to pay...you guessed it, Joe Simpson?

Is it beyond the pale to make regular references to your daughter’s ample assets? Like this:

“Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"

Oh Joe, you had me at, “You can’t cover those suckers up.” And if you prudes out there think there is something wrong with this manager father and the vested interest he has in the chest of his internationally renowned sexpot daughter, we’ll let said daughter put you at ease. From the mouth of Jessica:

No, I’ve had double D’s for a long time. Are you kidding? No. My family is extremely close. I talk to my mom about my sex life. That’s not something that creeps me out. We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.

See? It’s not incestuous. It’s “Podunk southern.” Totally different.

To be fair, Joe's interest in his daughter's body is purely business. As her manager, Joe knows a great deal of Jessica's success is due to her body and that her body is, in fact, a product to be packaged and sold. Just like a pimp does.

Runners Up:
Tom Cruise – Sorry you didn’t make the main list. Hard to tell how bad a dad you are when no one sees your kid.
Woody Allen: Married his adopted daughter. ‘Nuff said.

And for some better celb dads, check out the 50 Coolest Celebrity Dads.

Marvel's greatest sh*t

Brett Singer — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

The latest attempt at a film version of "The Incredible Hulk" hits theaters on June 13. Hopes are not high among True Believers, but it can't be as bad as the Ang Lee stinker that came out in 2003, right? Marvel is riding high on the massive success of "Iron Man", and the fine ferrous fellow has a cameo in the new "Hulk", which should bring out a few more folks on opening weekend.

"Hulk" is the second film that Marvel has produced on their own. Before "Spider-Man" was a massive hit, Marvel licensed out their characters to seemingly anyone, often with very little success.

So in honor of this momentous occasion, here is a list of some of Marvel's failed movie offerings.

Roger Corman's Fantastic Four

This was supposed to be released in theaters, I even remember seeing the trailer. The word is that Roger, the king of schlocky flicks, spent most of his budget on a costume for The Thing, then had to piece together the rest of the film with almost no money. Somebody looked at his effort and said, "No way are we releasing this." It never saw the light of day but bootlegged versions can be found in video stores and online. Here's somebody who thinks this version is better than the 2005 film. YouTube has clips, 'natch; here is the trailer and the ending.

Fantastic Four - 1994 Roger Corman Original Movie Trailer!

1994 Fantastic Four ending

The Punisher

This one never made it to theaters either. Dolph Lundgren plays Frank Castle, the man whose family was killed by gangsters and then he devotes his life to killing every criminal he can find (hey, not all comics are for kids, you know). This was a bad idea from the start; the final product isn't any better. There was another Punisher film that was released, but it got pretty bad reviews.

Punisher 1989 Witty Comments

The Punisher (1989) trailer

Nick Fury

A TV movie starring David Hasselhoff. Was there ever a chance this would be watchable? It is worth noting that when Nick Fury appears in the new Iron Man movie (you gotta stay for the credits, dude) he's played by Samuel L. Jackson. So they, you know, decided to go in a different direction. I couldn't find video for this one but here's a photo.

(image: David Hasselhoff Online)

Captain America

In a lot of ways this one is the most tragic. Marvel has announced a new Cap film, which is good, but this one has to be seen to be believed. It almost looks like a home movie. Here's a video of Cap versus the Red Skull. The dubbing is in Italian but it should give you an idea of the low-quality filmmaking going on.

Capitan America vs. Red Skull

There are more stinkers out there; if you know of any good/bad ones that I missed, leave it in the comments.

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Do Celeb Moms Get a Worse Rap Than Celeb Dads?

Kelly Mills — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 21:31:00 GMT

You know how all the news sources cover celebrity parenting like we'll just die if we don't know who held their baby over a pit of wild vipers and paparazzi and which celeb doesn't even know how to install a child safety seat? Well, when I saw this bit on how women celebs get more media focus for their antics than the dudes, I wondered if the same held true for celebrity parenting. After all, two of the examples given--Britney Spears and Heath Ledger--fit the parent bill as well. (And let me just say for the record that when the author of that bit says "It's time to bring some quality journalism attention to both sides of this equation and highlight these struggles before anyone else dies unexpectedly" I groan "Puhleeze". The media is gonna save lives by reporting early on the fact that so-and-so is depressed or a drug addict? Quick, get photos of him taking his anti-anxiety meds, before it's too late!)

I'm usually the first person to hammer about gender inequity, and how women often get flack for the same behaviors guys get a pass on. But in the case of many celebrities, I have to say that outlandishness trumps the male-female thing most often. Michael Jackson and Steve Irwin both received criticism for holding their babies in unsafe ways, and the Hoff was slammed when his kids videotaped him drunk. And who could forget Alec Baldwin's insane phone conversation with his child? I think Britney has gotten more crap than Heath Ledger ever did because she and her crew have always courted the tabloids. Now some sexist notions may still apply, like the fact that everyone questions Brit's custody issues while male stars may never even see their kids, but for the most part, I think star power and the perceived level of the crime against kids play a bigger role than whether the parent in question is mom or dad.

But please, tell me if I'm wrong, before I lose my women's studies badge.

David Hasselhoff is Blocked from Seeing his Children

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — Fri, 11 May 2007 11:31:00 GMT

Poor David Hasslehoff. Sort of. Right now he can only contact his children by phone. That makes me sad. That being said, it is kind of his fault. This is all a byproduct of the video of him wasted on his livingroom floor. Remember that one?

I do feel bad for The Hoff. I mean - he has a legitimate dependency. He has a disease. Now he can't see his children.

But I guess I feel worse for his kids. They shouldn't have to be exposed to that kind of thing.

The judge ordered the Hasselhoffs and the ex (Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff) to meet with a psychologist before their hearing in a couple of weeks. I hope they are able to work everything out for the kids sake. Well, and because it is way more fun to make fun of David Hasselhoff than it is to feel sorry for him.

David Hasslehoff has Relapse: Puts Kids in Awkward Situation

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — Sun, 06 May 2007 14:43:00 GMT

A video of a drunk and slurring David Hasselhoff has been leaked to the internet and television. It really isn't that unusual to see a video of a wasted celebrity, but Hasselhoff is a recovering alcoholic. It really isn't unusual for someone in recovery to have a relapse, but this one was in front of his kid.

In the video you can hear one of his daughters asking him why he gets so drunk. His answer is "lonely". I feel terrible that his child was put in that situation. No one likes to see their parents sloppy drunk.

That being said, he has an addiction and I understand that. I understand relapses. I know that a person doesn't become perfect just because they have a baby. Parenting is tough. Alcoholism is rough. David Hasselhoff was in the middle of an ugly divorce and that can be awful. I'd imagine it is taxing being "The Hoff" all of the time.

But still, I feel bad for his daughter. She was only filming him to show him how he acts when he is drunk, and not only did she have to witness it first-hand, now she knows her tape was leaked to the media. Poor kid.