Five Forgotten Fictional Fathers

Brett Singer — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:00:00 GMT

OK, "forgotten" is a little strong. But while we are all familiar with Darth, Homer and the rest, here are some other unreal dads that deserve a mention on Father's Day. Not all are great dads; some are pretty damn bad. Most just don't make it onto the usual "best/worst dad" lists. Here you go, on Father's Day, in no particular order:

1. Jock Ewing, "Dallas", played by Jim Davis

OK, maybe it's not in any particular order, but was there ever a tougher TV dad than Jock Ewing? As The Onion's AV Club puts it, "[Jock's] sons Bobby and J.R….have absorbed his good and evil sides, respectively, and are used by their deceptively benign father to consolidate his power." He also had an illegitimate son, Ray Krebbs, who worked on Ewing's Southfork ranch; this wasn't revealed until after Ray had been working there for a couple of years. Which means that Jock hired his own son to work on his ranch but didn't tell him that he was his father. Go ahead. Find me something better than that. Davis' portrayal of Jock was so iconic that when the actor died, he was not replaced; they killed the character and put a portrait of the Ewing patriarch in the family dining room where he could continue to exert his will from beyond the grave. Here's a clip of Jock tossing out ten grand like it was ten cents in order to "purchase" Bobby's wife Pamela (Victoria Principal) from her father, Digger Barnes.

2. "Man", played by Antonio Banderas, in "Four Rooms"

Banderas doesn't get a name in this segment of the largely forgotten hotel comedy. He plays a gangster of some sort who pays off the bellhop (Tim Roth, currently appearing in "The Incredible Hulk") to watch his offspring while he and the missus go out and celebrate New Year's Eve. When he looks at his children and demands, in full Antonio-accented English, "Don't misbehave," you know that they will. Video clip below, not remotely safe for work or family-viewing. (Banderas also gets a nod for Gregorio Cortez in the three "Spy Kids" movies.)

"Four Rooms" Video clip (Not Work-Safe)

3. Mork from Ork, played by Robin Williams

You probably forgot that Mork was a dad. In a desperate attempt to save the weird "Happy Days" spin-off, Jonathan Winters signed on to play Mearth, Mork and Mindy's son. Of course, Orkans are born old and age backwards. It wasn't much funnier than it sounded. Now that I’m a parent myself, I have to say that I don't think I'd want things to work that way. Not that changing diapers is fun, but it's definitely easier to do it when the kid is smaller than you.

4. Wayne Szalinski, "Honey I Shrunk the Kids", played by Rick Moranis

Fathers in movies and television are often portrayed as bumbling fools who fall to pieces in the parenting department as soon as mommy leaves for five minutes. This guy, however, actually manages to shrink his children to microscopic size when left to his own devices. The character was slammed back in 1997 by Dr. Helen Haste of the British Association for the Advancement of Science, who took issue with the way that, " writers and directors employ stereotypes for almost every scientist seen on film and television."

5. Michael Kyle, "My Wife and Kids", played by Damon Wayans

This ABC sitcom ran for five seasons, which is certainly respectable. But it never quite caught on with audiences the way "Everybody Loves Raymond" did. One reason could be that the parents were, at times, intentionally not 100% nice to their children. For example, in the episode "The Grassy Knoll", mom and dad discover that Michael Jr. is stoned. So they decide to mess with his head. (The only clip I could find was in Spanish, so you'll have to just take my word for it that it was funny. Unless, of course, you speak Spanish.) It was a silly show, but there was something very realistic in the way Michael dealt with his son. It wasn't perfect, and it wasn't always behavior you wanted to emulate. But it was usually pretty funny.

Here is a clip from "Junior Gets his License".

There are, of course, many more. Who are your favorites, forgotten or otherwise?

Oh yeah -- happy father's day!

images: Amazon.com, timstvshowcase.com, mrsjrewing.tripod.com, wjzy.com

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RetroFitted: Does Anyone Still Care About Garfield?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Welcome to RetroFitted, a new feature that focuses on pop culture phenomena from the '70s, '80s and '90s, and assesses whether they still resonate with today's kids.

First up: "Garfield."

The comic strip about an overweight cat and his dork of an owner made its debut in 1978. In the early 1980s -- when "Garfield" creator Jim Davis founded the company Paws Inc., effectively launching the "Garfield" brand -- Jon Arbuckle's best friend transformed from mere cartoon to full-on feline franchise. The cat was everywhere: On the cover of best-selling books, in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, in animated TV specials and stuck to a hell of a lot of back windshields in the form of a stuffed animal with suction cup feet.

I was in elementary school when Garfield first got hot. I adored him, and I have the plush Pookie and an original copy of "Garfield Weighs In" to prove it. My friends and I traded stickers with Garfield and Odie on them. We lovingly referred to that sarcastic puss as "Garry." We thought every one of his lasagna jokes was freakin' high-larious.

As the '80s wore on, I, like many of my peers, grew up and realized that "Garfield" wasn't high-larious. He was actually repetitive, corny and kind of dull. While the comic and its numerous related products were still prominent on the cultural scene, the trend seemed to have passed its prime.

Yet here we are, 30 years later, and "Garfield" is not only still around -- the comic holds the Guiness World Record as most syndicated strip -- its popularity, or at least profitability, is still strong. In 2004, "Garfield: The Movie" (I can't say this too many times: Shame on you, Bill Murray) came to theaters and earned almost $200 million worldwide. A 2006 sequel, "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties," brought in $141 million worldwide; last year a direct-to-DVD movie, "Garfield Gets Real," was released. The cat has inspired multiple video games. A new "Garfield" TV show is poised to launch in France. And so help me, sweet Mother of Mothers, there is actually an annual convention called the Garfield Gathering, where collectors get together each year in search of obscure Nermal-related items they don't already own.

According to this Slate story from 2004, the "Garfield" corporate machine generates between $750 million and $1 billion each year. In other words, someone is still buying this stuff and it's fair to assume that at least some of them are parents with tabby cat-obsessed kids. "Garfield" does still resonate and there is one simple reason: Because new children are born every day. And some of those new children will eventually go through a stage where they, too, think lasagna jokes are terribly witty. Like Slate suggests, Garfield continues to stick around because he keeps on doing the same old crap.

With one exception: In what might be the best thing to happen to "Garfield" ever, a repurposed version of the strip has recently developed its own following on the Internet. It's called "Garfield Minus Garfield," and it's exactly what it sounds like: The daily strip, but with the familiar feline removed from every panel. It's twisted, disturbing and often gutbustingly funny, finally making Davis's comic appealing to adults. Wow. There really is no stopping that darned cat.

RetroFitted appears on Strollerderby every Thursday morning.

Photo: Ty

Strollerderby : Jim Davis