Strollerderby : MILFs

More On the Annoying Hot Pregnant Celebrity Thing From Maxim

Kelly Mills — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 15:04:00 GMT

When I covered Xtina's nude-knocked-up pics, I totally neglected to dicover that Maxim has a slideshow of the hottest pregnant women. It is, of course, not very interesting choice-wise. Maxim is generally boringly celebrity A-list fawn-y, only Monica Belluci is a good selection, and if you're gonna do it, uh, how can you leave out Gabby Reece? But leaving aside the merits of the Maxim slideshow selection process, I just feel even more annoyed with the pregnant-hot thing. There's the tagline: "When you're Christina Aguilera, you can pull off swollen ankles." Wow guys, thanks for your generosity in still finding your favorite pinups sexy even when they are with child. Oh, or Halle Berry's bit: "Descriptions like 'over 40' and 'with child' aren´t usually things we associate with looking hot, but Halle pulls off both better than anyone we´ve seen." Hmmm, why is this "we'd still do you knocked up" thing feeling just this side of condescending?

Maybe it's also lines like this when talking about Naomi Watts: "Naomi has always been hot, but a little on the scrawny side for our tastes. Once she got pregnant, she carried that baby weight in all the right places (boobs)." Look, as I said before, I'm already irked that now women have an unrealistic, airbrushed standard of pregnant beauty to try and emulate now, and so with this oogling maybe I'm getting het up over what's just a wider objectification net. Like, "Really? You guys would still beat off to these celebrities even though they have a bun in the oven? What sweethearts." It chafes, oh yes it does. This kind of ushering in of the full-bellied red carpet queens to 'sex-symbol' status feels about as comfortable as the maternity up-to-the-boobs underwear.

Kids And Naked Pictures on the Internet

Kelly Mills — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 18:08:00 GMT

One big media topic of late is the debate over teens and women posting naked pictures on the internet. Why, do a google search for "naked pictures internet" and...um, scratch that. While some of the coverage, especially after the discovery of naked photos of a certain "High School Musical" star, centers on the concern that children will see these photos, others are lambasting the way many women and teens post these photos themselves, asserting that this self-objectification will result in women being treated as sex objects.

Let's take both things as they relate to kids. I'm not particularly hysterical when it comes to the idea that my child might see nudity, and so I guess the fact that there's more nakedness on the internet than before doesn't worry me too much. But then there's the idea of teens posting pictures of themselves, and whether or not that's a problem or if it will just become so common that no one will bat an eye after a while--like we'll all have nude photos of ourselves on Facebook. And here's where we get into the debate that Jezebel has been covering, the "women and girls promoting themselves as sex objects" idea.

As I read about things like the lad mag site Nuts.com, where women send in topless photos of themselves to be voted on in a feature called "Assess my Breasts" I get completely skeeved out by the idea that teen girls (and grown women) would choose to do this. There's a fine line between "empowered sexuality" and "exploited sexuality," like in the MILF dilemma, but this one clearly has crossed over. I detest the idea that teenagers would go the sex-doll route because teenagers are so vulnerable, and I shudder to think of them trying to get something from an online boob ranking or by garnering page hits for a revealing picture.

It's not the nakedness that bothers me, it's the hungry search for validation, and looking for validation is kind of inherent to adolescence (or at least it was to mine.) Are we women setting an example for our teenage girls by being so stripper-pole and "I'm hot"? I don't think this is a black-and-white issue, and frankly, I'm leery of blaming women, but I do believe the difference is less about whether a nipple is covered and more about who is in control. And I think there are places in which it's hard for any of us to know the latter.

Pregcellent: Clothes To Give Birth In. Stupidest. Idea. EVER.

Kelly Mills — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 18:02:00 GMT

I owe the Jezebels my immortal soul or my first-born child or a case of Red Bull or something for this one. They posted about Binsi, a company that sells clothes to wear when you are giving birth. Because, as the OB quoted on the site says, "Birth is easier when the mother feels more confident and comfortable." (Deep breath, surpress hysterical laughter.) Well, thank goodness, because I know when I started contractions and I immediately threw on my favorite black dress, the strappy one that makes me feel so pretty, I found the slit in the back wasn't nearly big enough to allow me to comfortably bounce around on the birth ball moaning like a wounded animal. Plus even dry cleaning couldn't get out that stain from when my water broke.

But wait, I think I see a trend here: the Binsi site says this apparel can help you, "Look and feel more like yourself." Gosh that sounds so familiar. Oh yeah, this. I guess the big problem with pregnancy and labor and birth and all is that it makes you uglier, bigger, less groomed, and therefore, you know, less yourself. Because looking good is feeling good. Looking good is YOU. And when we talk about losing yourself in motherhood, that's what we mean. Losing your looks, your youthful, hot, rockin', self. And you don't have to do that, because you can care about how you look all the way into the delivery room, because that'll give you confidence. Right?

You know, I can honestly say that labor and delivery was one time in my life when I did not give a rat's ass about how I looked. And lemme tell you, no one loves a stretched-out hoo hoo, deflated boobs, wow-my-bod-is-different joke more than I do. Because I'll be the first one to admit that pregnancy and birth changed my body. Luckily I never lost myself because I was more than my hoo hoo and boobs to begin with. And when I say I never lost myself, I don't mean I'm exactly the same as I was before sperm met egg. No, I've changed with my life, and I can joke about the hoo hoo because really, what does that matter at all next to the amazing, adorable, frustrating, life-altering little kid I have now?

When you go into labor, if you don't wanna wear a hospital gown and feel like a patient, why not go naked? Or if naked is too weird, wear a friggin' t-shirt. Why not? Oh right, you can't package that and sell it, you can't tell women they'll get to be themselves (pretty and sexy and confident) in labor and charge it to the Visa. If I sound irate, it ain't all Binsi's fault. It's just that I'm pissed, because I loved the whole "being a mom doesn't mean you have to put on the mom-jeans" liberated thing and then it went totally awry, it morphed into this new pressure to be hot at all times. Now celebs have exactly two minutes to lose the baby weight and we're supposed to celebrate our mommy-ness by flashing our boobs and believing that sweatpants=death of self. And maybe that was always part of it, and I'm only reaching the breaking point because companies are vying for my dollars so that I can still be pretty ol' me, I haven't changed one little bit, "why look, you can hardly believe she's had babies she looks so good". Then I get to raise a girl and try and teach her that it's important to be pretty on the inside.

I guess the most eloquent thing I have left is: Fuck this.

Suburban MILF Pole Dance Parties

Kelly Mills — Thu, 31 May 2007 12:03:00 GMT

Gawker pointed us to the Today Show segment on suburban moms getting together and having stripper pole dance parties. Because that's soooo newsworthy. Next week Ann Curry will be covering SAHMs who sometimes kiss each other on the lips. This piece featured some ladies gathering together, having a couple glasses of wine, and then making name tags with their stripper names. Sticky tags, as in, "Hi, my name is Candi." Hint for the moms: those name tags aren't very stripper. But neither is the name one woman chose- Tootsie. That's like being Cuddles the Stripper.

I'm sure you can imagine the rest. Some women in mom jeans and feather boas making tense whooping sounds and writhing around on a living room stripper pole with really bad music playing in the background. I've already made it sound way more titillating than it actually is. You go girl.

You know, I like the "my identity doesn't stop at being a mom" thing, but so much of this hot mama, MILF-y, stripper-pole, sex-toy-party, desperate housewives, naughty mommy extravaganza is Just. Trying. Too. Hard. Why worry about proving your hotness to anyone? It's unsexy to be constantly screaming "Look at me! Babies came out of me but I'm still sexy!" Pole dancing = fine, whatevs, who cares; pole dancing on the Today Show = I'm over it. Moms can be libidinous and attractive but we do not have to flash our tits like Girls Gone Wild to demonstrate it. Unless, of course, we're nursing.

Mama Time: Helping You Take the Time to be Fabulous

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 20:19:00 GMT

Welcome to another new Stroller Derby feature and just in time for Mother's Day: Mama Time. Every week we'll dish about ways for mamas (& papas) to have more fun, take better care of themselves, and keep their groove groovin'.

This Week: Budget Pedicures

While most of us can agree that nice spa pedicures are relaxing and enjoyable, they are often prohibitively expensive. Enter the budget pedicure storefronts popping up all across America in strip malls and downtown areas. Usually, you can get a pedicure here (a "spa pedicure" even) for under $35. As summer sandal season nears (thank the goddess!!), your toes might need a little polish, trim, and buff.

Of course, another option is to do your own home pedicure. If you can lock your door against the grasping hoards and hide away somewhere, this can be your best option. The Budget Fashionista has some great tips for home pedicures and manicures, including properly soaking your feet, using a pumice stone to smooth rough skin, and of course buying emery boards to file those nails. Now go forth and paint those piggies, ladies!

[Photo Credit: Irving Penn]