Strollerderby : Madeline Holler

REMINDER - Babble Talk Radio Live at 1:30PM EST

Brett Singer — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:00:00 GMT

We're going live and you're invited!

On Friday, May 15 at 1:30pm Eastern / 10:30am Pacific, I'll be hosting Babble Talk Radio, with Madeline Holler.

We'll be discussing Madeline's post about why so many children are so freakin' rude these days. Not your kids, of course. Or ours. But other people's kids? Oh yeah.

To listen, just go to the show page on BlogTalkRadio.com and click play. If you can't listen live, the show will be available for streaming later in the day. (You should be able to listen live and to the archived show on the page.)

So check us out and let us know what you think.

SNL Mother's Day Skits

Classic Mother Songs For Mother's Day

If You're Not Birthing at Home, You're Irritated With Women Who Do

Madeline Holler — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:02:00 GMT

Seems like you can't swing a freshly born placenta without hitting another story on home birth these days. Take this recent one in the New York Times about the growing number of women who are planning home births around NYC.

The article is especially notable to me for a couple of reasons: none of the couples say they wanted a home birth for spiritual/religious/back-to-nature reasons, or because hospitals won't let them burn sage and snack on placenta in the L&D room.

Not that I think those reasons are ridiculous (OK, I do), but because those stereotypes have such a prominent place in home birth talk and assume characteristics and beliefs about women who, like me, choose to give birth at home.

So I get a little defensive, then, when I read posts like this one from Jezebel's Tracie. She says you'll have one of two reactions to the Times piece: you'll like it or you'll hate it. If you hated it, it's because you find "unconventional" births gross. If you liked it, it's because you think the article was yet another celebration of the miracle of life.

Really? Just one or the other?

Tracie also warns the story is graphic (it's totally not. In fact, what's shocking is how all these laboring women are photographed fully clothed). She even enlarges the picture of a laboring woman's sister who is, in Tracie's words, horrified by "watching her sister's vagina go whoosh." Honestly, the chick just looks a little tired (the labor was a long one). Plus -- and I feel awkward tutoring a writer for Jezebel (Jezebel!) on lady parts -- vaginas don't go "whoosh" in birth (granted, it's a damn shame they don't!).

Tracie's and many of the commenters' other big problem with NYC apartment dwellers giving birth at home is the noise factor for neighbors, which the article brings up. Thing is, noise didn't wind up being a factor for any of them, and it's not so surprising.

Listen, people. A 40-hour labor does not entail 40 hours of screaming. In fact, a 40-hour labor more likely entails 39.75 hours of sitting in the tub, peeing on the toilet, light conversation, off and on contracting -- and then a final 15 minutes of grunting or growling, maaaaaaaybe a scream (in 15-second intervals every, what, one or two minutes?).

You probably hear more sustained moans and groans from the couple getting it on on the other side of the wall. Just saying.

But I don't blame Tracie and all the commenters, etc., because really, who even knows about how minimally messy, un-noisy, un-dangerous birth can be? Unless you've seen a birth or talked to women who have had low-key hospital or home births, all you've got is Hollywood and there, well, there you have to have screaming and profuse sweating and swearing and "I'm hacking off your balls"-ing and lots and lots of blood. For laughs, you know, and drama.

Still, what I find so baffling is that women whose trade is writing about women stuff, calling out hate on women-haters, professing a love of women who think their bodies are just fine, women who take on the man (or at least ignore him,), etc., just shut down when it comes to birthing outside the medical model. Why is home birth -- or even unmedicated birth -- of all things, such an assinine plan and seeming threat to the way other women live and have babies?

Finally, a pet peeve: terms "water birth" and "home birth" used interchangeably. Look, the inflatable tubs that Tracie (and, OK, the article) kind of obsess over? Just think of those as the epidural, which is, in fact, how they're used -- to ease the pain of labor (sounds ridiculous but works pretty well). An actual water birth happens when the baby is pushed out in the tub (or when you're swimmig with dolphins -- WTF?), not when you've only labored in water.

PS: The point of the article (and the original point of my post) was that lots of home birth families are wildly educated, non-spiritual, meat-eating lawyers, bankers, bloggers and writers -- professionals who aren't scared of birth and/or just want to stay out of hospitals and away from hospital protocols that just don't make sense. But looks like that doesn't come through so much in the article, which, again let me add, is so not graphic.

My Illegal Home Birth

Five Movies You Shouldn't Watch While Pregnant

Is Home Birth a Civil Right?

What Does It Mean for Midwives, or Home Birth, to Be Illegal?

Photo: NYTimes

Last-Minute Baby Namers

Madeline Holler — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:07:00 GMT

I'll admit, I've never had an appreciation for parents who wait "to meet" their child before figuring out the kid's name.

I've also had less than charitable thoughts about those parents so convinced they were having a boy that they didn't have a girl's name for back up, or vice versa. Just in case. Especially if the only thing confirming the baby's gender was some kind of wedding-ring-dangled-over-a-belly trick and not, you know, a DNA sample or an ultrasound.

Of course, all my judginess has come back to bite me. I'm hours/days/a couple of weeks (?) away from giving birth for a third time. And if it's a boy (we don't know, but apparently I'm "carrying low"), we're totally screwed.

I thought we had it all figured out until last night and, indeed, if it's a girl, we're set. But I had been wavering on our chosen boy middle name and thought I'd go over it one last time with the husband. I rattled off the name.

"Sure, it's fine," my husband said.

"Fine? The middle name ... or the first name?" I asked.

"Both. They're both OK," he said.

Just OK?

"They're OK," he repeated."The names are fiiiiiine."

My husband is content with giving his son an "OK" name, a "fine" name?

"But you picked that name ... and now you're just fine with it?" I accused/clarified. "Is 'fine' good enough for our son?"

"Sure."

Sure?

We hunkered down at his laptop and started the search, again. Hadn't we already done this months ago?

In hour two of the frantic search, I made the unfortunate mistake of suggesting we draw from his Polish heritage. Maybe we'd get some better-than-fine ideas.

So we Googled a Polish baby names site. Suddenly, he's doing that kind of jazz hands/name-in-lights gesture saying, "Vlodek! We'll name him Vlodek!"

On second thought, "fine" is good enough for me. Or what the hell: let's wait to meet the baby. Because surely you don't look at a newborn and think, "Vlodek, my son, my beautiful baby Vlodek."

Right?

Were you a last-minute baby namer? (Got any leftovers?) And what's the deal with naming the third child? The first two were sooooo easy!

Totally Shocked Parents Return Baby to Hospital

Public Schools? Hannah Montana? Michelle O's Big Decisions

Matt Lauer Talks To Sarah Palin In The Kitchen

Photo: yeahbaby.com

Fall TV Preview: Martha Speaks on PBS

Madeline Holler — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Oh, Martha. She talks too much. She's something of a budinsky. She gossips. She complains. But like any other dog -- and, yes, Martha's a dog -- all she really wants is to love and be loved. And for Martha, this can take some work.

See, unlike other cartoon talking dogs, Martha breaks the species barrier by actually being able to form words! Sentences! Whole, unending paragraphs! All of which are understandable to humans. This means that while she can express herself clearly, she's not always taken seriously (not altogether unlike a kid), which can be frustrating for Martha (and a kid, of course) and backfire on those who are doing the underestimating.

I sat down with my two daughters -- Beatrice, 7, and Frances, 3 -- to preview the first episode of "Martha Speaks," which premieres on PBS this fall.

The two are well familiar with the book "Martha Speaks," which is the first in a series by Susan Meddaugh featuring Martha the talking dog. It's one of the few kids books that their grandmother owns which doesn't smell like 30 years of musty basement and we've read it together maybe a million times. Watching it on TV, I could now learn the truth: was it a lack of mold spores or a good story that had made Martha such a central part of our literary lives?

Background:

One day, Martha was accidentally given a bowl of alphabet soup instead of regular ol' dog chow. Rather than filling up her stomach, the letters traveled to her brain. An articulate, quippy, verrrrry chatty dog is formed. To keep up her speech, Martha needs periodic doses of alphabet soup. Her people know this and keep her in the letters, despite their growing agony over Martha sharing their secrets, Martha talking over their favorite TV shows, Martha ordering up steaks and ribs from the local carry out, among other abuses of the tongue.

Then, Martha overhears her person wishing she never had a dog who could speak. Naturally, this shuts Martha up. She cuts the soup cold turkey. She goes silent. And then the burglars arrive.

I won't give away the ending of this first episode, except to say the underdog wins! So do the young viewers. The producers of the show are sneaky and part of their goal, according to the press packet, is to broaden kids' vocabularies by introducing big words in context. Also, unlike the books, they've mixed up character ethnicities a bit and sprinkled some Spanish throughout. There's also a Web site where all the learning is reinforced.

The show is aimed at children from 4 to 7 years old, so my girls are brain development bookends in terms of viewership. We followed up the premiere with this discussion:

The Review

Me: Close call with the burglars, huh? Why did Martha stop talking?

Frances: She didn't eat soup!

Me: Why not?

Beatrice: She was sad because the little girl said she didn't want Martha to talk anymore. Why did you watch the show with us? You never watch TV with us?

Me: I love Martha! I wanted to watch. Hey, could you ever do what Martha did? Stop talking on purpose?

Beatrice: Noooooo.

Me: Who'd you guys like in the show?

Frances: I liked the girl with the orange hair and skirt.

Me: She was fun! Why did you like her?

Frances: She's cute. I liked her pink shirt.

Me: What about Martha?

Frances: Yes. She got sad because she couldn't speak.

Me: Why couldn't she speak?

Frances: [shrugs shoulders]

Beatrice: Are you always going to watch Martha with us?

Me: Maybe? Hey, you know how we've read those other Martha books, which ones do you want to see on TV?

Beatrice and Frances: Sir Lancelot! [Sir Lancelot's a pushover pug that gets caught up in a fraudulent dog-training ring.]

Me: Oooooh, Sir Lancelot. I'll definitely watch that one with you.

Beatrice: Can we watch it again now?

Me: Sure.

Frances: Can we have a snack?

Image: Martha Speaks

10 Kids Things Begging for Redesign

Madeline Holler — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:34:00 GMT

I love that the brilliant minds of this era want my job of parenting to be easier -- and safer, more efficient, beautiful, convenient.

Problem is, in the world of kids' stuff, there are so, so many misses. So much stuff designed with my fragile/blank/in need of stimulation/small/big/tired/awake children in mind winds up making my life confusing, painful, not very environmental, extra dirty, a waste of time or, or, well, you get the picture.

Take carseats. And bath toys. And a whole bunch of other stuff that is conceptually great but pissing me off in the meantime. Here's my Top 10 List of stuff for kids that is begging to be redesigned. Please, add more in comments -- or direct me to your finds! Surely someone from Kraft/Evenflo/Proctor and Gamble is reading.

1. Carseats. I mean, why so damn big? I know, side crashes, rear crashes, front-end collisions -- baby on board. Nobody wants my precious cargo as safe and secure as I do. Still. Our Britax Marathon takes up way more than my 3-year-old's fair share of backseat space. The wings on that damn thing squeeze my older kid against her door. And how sad for out-of-town guests and/or our carpool buddies. We drive a mid-size car, wouldn't dream of going gas-guzzler, but, Jesus, we need more free space inside. How has someone not invented a quilted titanium eggshell type carseat pod thing that has the footprint of a bag of groceries but a safety rating worthy of NASCAR?

2. Baby carseat. You're looking at a woman with some serious biceps (1) from constantly picking up an enormous baby/toddler and (2) from hauling said chubberkins around in one of those infant carseat carriers her first few months of life. Why so heavy (the seat, not my kid)? Again, let's get some nano-technology involved and free up a few pounds. Mama is tired!

3. Bath toys that squirt ... and build up with mold and mildew. We love the squirty bath toys, but only until they start shooting out pink and brown blotches of mold or mildew or whatever biological matter builds itself a home inside them. Oh, I'm not above cleaning, but you're going to have to give me a way to get inside. Rinsing is not enough! Can't we come up with squirty bathtoys that can be turned inside out and put in the dishwasher? Phthalate-free, of course.

4. Crib sheet. Did you read Babble blogger Jane Roper's rant on the crib sheet? I don't even use cribs and I was feeling the painful cuts and sprains this mama experienced every time she wanted to freshen up the digs for her little girls. There's got to be a better way. Loosen up, crib sheet!

5. While I'm on linens -- mattress pads. Without revealing too much about my daughter's overnight skills set, let's just say I'm pretty tired of changing wet sheets. And that big stupid mattress pad. She doesn't pee at the foot of her bed. Or up near her pillow. Isn't there some kind of mini-liner I could just spread out in the zone? (Better yet ... an at-home catheter, size 4T?)

6. Rocking chair/glider for the square-footage lacking? We just don't have space for a rocking chair -- not even one of those icky light-blue floral print ugly, ugly gliders. Again, too big for our tiny living room (and even tinier kids bedroom). I just wish I could find one that had the footprint of a dining room chair but the rocking capability and comfort of one of these!

7. Baby shampoo lids. OK, you know how your kids are suddenly too independent and they need to squeeze out their own shampoo? Yet, yet ... they're a bit heavy with the pour? I'd like a shampoo container that's topped with a spout ... you know, those things bartenders stick in the top of a liter of vodka which somehow limit each tip of the bottle to 1.5 oz?

8. Kids medicine. Recalls. Warnings. What the hell can we use? We've got cancer drugs and antiviral inhibitors. And all those billions big-Pharma rakes in. Can't someone come up with a safe and effective decongestant for a 9-month-old?

9. While I'm hating on meds, how about shots. Oh, I'm firmly on the side of immunizations for all, but why all the needles and pain and (if you're a member of my brood) hysteria? Why puncture the skin? Can't we smear the MMR vaccine on a patch and just wear it for a week? Squirt something up the kids' noses. At this point, I'd even agree to administering suppositories.

10. The juice box. Oh, juice box, how ubiquitous you are without deserving your following one bit. First, you're way overpackaged. But worse, you spill more than an open-lided, wide-mouthed, overfilled cup in an earthquake. It's natural for a kid to grab you around the middle, stupid juice box, and physics being physics and all, you shoot your contents out that ridiculous unbending bendy straw that can't ever manage to puncture a small foil opening without lots of swearing (and more spilling!). I hate you juice box, and I'd rather stab that bendy straw in my eye than give you improvement suggestions, lest they actually work and you never, ever, ever, ever just go away.

Photo: Designlessbetter.com

Home Delivery Only for Pizza?

Adrienne Martini — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Let me be upfront with my bias -- I'm not pro-homebirth and I'm not pro-hospital birth. Frankly, I can see both sides of the argument. In this fight, I am Switzerland; especially since my baby birthing days are done. Still, the recent bumper stickers passed out at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) really pissed me off. What did they say?

"Home Delivery is Only For Pizza."

Seriously? Are they docs that threatened by the practice of homebirth that it required a snarky bumper sticker? Apparently, yes. So their biggest fear is that the 1 percent of births that take place at home might grow to a whopping 2 percent? Are you kidding me?

For a well-balanced take on the topic of home v. hospital births, this Baltimore City Paper cover story, which is where I found out that ACOG tidbit, is a good place to start. For a personal account of what it's like to break the law by giving birth, the 'derby's own Ms Holler wrote an essay about her illegal delivery.

As for me, I'm going to go walk until I don't want to smack someone. At this rate, I might end up walking to Vancouver.

Photo credit: Michelle Gienow

Breakin' the Law with Birth

Adrienne Martini — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Strollerderby's own Madeline Holler has done something that has amazed us all in the 'derby "office." No, it's not that she sorta broke the law when she birthed her second daughter. No, it's not how she handled said daughter's placenta. None of those things impressed us much.

What really stunned us all is that Holler delivered an almost 11 pound little girl without any drugs. Seriously. I need an Advil and a sitz bath just thinking about it.

Read Holler's excellent essay on midwives, natural births and kiddie pools. The betting pool on how long it takes the AMA to discredit our little Miss Holler will open later in the week.

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

Adrienne Martini — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:30:00 GMT

As much as some Baby Daddy bloggers want to turn the whole child development milestone hoo-ha into a grudge match, Dr. Lawrence Kutner advises all parents to just take a big step away from the charts. It turns out that where your kid falls on any curve is mostly irrelevant and has little influence on the type of human being they grow into.

For those who are spoiling for a fight, this advice is hard to take. I mean, if parents can't get all up in your grill about Susie talking in complete sentences at 6 months old or Jimmy solving cold fusion on his second birthday, what do we have to talk about? How delightfully average our kids are? How thrilled we are that our six-year old doofus has finally stopped shoving peas up his nose? Puh-lease.

But as this essay by the 'derby's own Madeline Holler points out, there's nothing wrong with a kidlet not excelling, despite how much it might irk parents who are really just really to do everything right. We are all desperate for outside validation of our parenting skillz. But sticking to the charts may not be the most reliable choice, even though charts appeal to our need for an orderly and predictable outcome. Or, as Dr. Kutner explains, there's "a false belief in the precision of anything associated with numbers."

And rest assured, those who are about to leap to Almond's defense -- I tease because I love.

Why Tweens are Too Young for a Brazilian Wax

Madeline Holler — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Jeez, I can think of a million reasons, the first of which: is there anything to wax?

The other 999,999 reasons … come on. I know we’re sexualizing girls at younger and younger ages, but 10? Waxing her pubes?

Apparently, you're never too young for this Australian website, read by girls aged 9 to 14. In an article about Brazilian waxing, they try hard to make the case:

So why does it appeal. Nobody really likes hair in their private regions and this removes it.

In another article (yes, more than one on the site), there's this description of what exactly happens. The good news is, I feel like this might deter all but the most goaded young kids.

Wax is smeared onto the mons, the cloth is pressed into place...then they turn the music up loud...rrripppp. It's quite normal for the waxer to throw your legs over their shoulder, or ask you to moon them so they can get the strays. The waxer then goes over your red bits with a pair of tweezers to pluck out recalcitrant strands.

Why does “pluck out recalcitrant strands” make me cross my legs?

One Australian writer, appalled by the notion that some celebrate getting rid of the just-grown hairs of adolescence, gives us a rundown of how things are going in the land of kiddie hair removal. (And you say marketers aren't savvy.)

As a cosmetic pharmaceutical company, Nair is obliged to reinvent normal bodily functions as problems with handy product solutions. And the Australian arm of the company has claimed its target audience is slightly older, in an attempt to distance itself from the US campaign, which involves phrases such as "Pretty isn't a look. It's a feeling," "Nair will leave your skin smooth and totally touchable!" and this pearler from Stacey Feldman, vice-president for marketing at Nair's parent company, Church & Dwight: "When a girl removes hair for the first time, it's a life-changing moment."

Life-changing, indeed! Now, about teaching girls the proper names for body parts, better add “mons” to the list so the little tykes know exactly what they're getting in to.

'Retired' Tennis Star Returns to Court 6 Weeks Post-Partum

Madeline Holler — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 22:04:00 GMT

Tennis anyone? Oh, not me. I think the sport is as boring to watch and discuss as it is to play. But what I do love is sports talk that centers on motherhood. Obviously. I can't get enough of stories about women who not only continue to compete during and after pregnancy, but especially when the thrive because of it. Sometimes, kids do just the opposite of draining your aspirations. They turn it around an inspire them.

This is what happened to the 31-year-old tennis star Lindsay Davenport. She retired in 2006, pregnant with her son. But the retirement turned into maternity leave when a few weeks before giving birth, she got the strangest pregnancy craving yet: a return to the tennis court. Six weeks post-partum, she was playing in a doubles tournament.

Her boy, Jagger, is 7 months old now, and mom is making the rounds in the big tournaments. Serena Williams, for one, is in awe.

"I mean, I'm speechless because she looks better than me and she's seven months out of having a baby," Serena Williams said here at a pre-tournament news conference. "I'm convinced if I had a baby, seven months later I'd probably still be in the hospital trying to get over the pain."

Oh, Serena, it's not THAT painful. But the comeback is still pretty cool.

Having a kid has forced her to be selective and make difficult choices -- a refrain lots of mothers know. Baby Jagger's presence has changed her in more than one way. He helps to keep her temper in check -- or at least forces her to creatively manage it.

No matter what, win or lose, the presence of Jagger has changed everything for Davenport. She lost to Jankovic in Beijing and afterward told her nanny, who was with Jagger, that she needed a minute alone.

"I hit my racket on the ground, took a deep breath, and I thought, 'OK,' and we were all good again," Davenport said. "It took about hours less than it used to, to get the anger out. I didn't want him to see me do it.

"I was like, 'Would you mind walking outside for one second with him?' She did. [I] broke a racket. They came back in and it was fine."

With a mom on the court, I'm almost tempted to follow tennis. I mean, I won't, but I am tempted.

Jezebel and Strollerderby Sitting in a Tree...

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 16:08:00 GMT

In case you missed it, the clever women at Jezebel have discovered that the Strollerderby writers have some funny to share on topics ranging from boyscouts to hoo hoos. But our Babble pal Steve Almond fares less well. So it's a love-hate thing.

Just yesterday Jez linked to:

Kelly's piece about the poor Seinfelds and that thing with the lawsuit,
Amy's write-up of crazy toilet training cartoons
Madeline's piece on chubby people adopting

A love like ours is meant to last forever.

Doctors Find Two Dead Siblings In the Stomach of a Lone Triplet

Madeline Holler — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 22:02:00 GMT

Doctors removed two siblings from the body of a one-year-old in Indonesia yesterday. The girl’s siblings were removed from her abdomen and the surviving triplet, who absorbed her unviable sisters, is expected to survive.

Doctors discovered the triplets when they examined the living child for what they thought were abdominal tumors but turned out to be partially formed human bodies.

The surgery took five hours, but was complicated. The aortas of the two absorbed triplets were still linked with the surviving girl's.

One of the bodies, according the story, was totally complete, except for arms and legs. And the other had ony a head, but with hair, and also part of a digestive system.

Doctors said the two would have been lifeless when the girl was born.

This makes little Lakshmi's recent twin removal seem half-way normal.

Photo: AFP stock photo on yahoo.com

Capturing Joy During Most Painful Loss

Madeline Holler — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 14:46:00 GMT

I don’t even know what to say about this recent LA Times piece, except that there are some damn nice people in the world.

The article is about a photographer who volunteers to take pictures of families who are about to experience what must be unimaginably painful: stillbirth or the imminent and early death of a sick child.

This photographer does all the usual portraiture and holiday photos, weddings and other occasions. That’s how she earns her living. But over the past few years has also donated her time and photostock to pregnant women or families who are bracing themselves for the sadness of this most profound loss. These families want some way to preserve their memories of the sheer joy of even the shortest lives and she gives it to them.

Since the photographer first started, and word spread, demand became so high that she had to recruit other volunteer photographers to do it too. Now, she’s formed a network of bereavement photographers in most major cities around the country.

Doctors and hospitals used to whisk stillborn babies away, thinking out-of-sight-out-of-mind. But now they realize parents need to hold the babies, whether alive or not, and families often don’t want to forget and can’t. Now it’s the nurses and doctors who let patients know about bereavement photography and even arrange for it.

Photo: LA Times

More and More Twins Everywhere, Especially in the 'Land of Twins'

Madeline Holler — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 23:08:00 GMT

We’re always hearing about how the U.S. is experiencing an “epidemic” of multiple births. Triplets are the new twins, twins are the new singleton, singletons are the new, uh, red-headed stepchild? I don’t know. What I’m trying to say is there are lots of twins in the U.S.

The rate of fraternal twins in Europe and the U.S. is somewhere around 1.2 percent and .8 percent in Japan. But in western Africa, the rate is much higher, especially among the Yoruba, who live mainly in the southwestern part of Nigeria. There, the rate of twin births is an astounding 5 percent!

Nobody knows why the rate of twins there is so high, though many experts attribute it to yam consumption. Apparently, the indigenous meal staple contains a natural hormone called “phytoestrogen,” which some experts believe may stimulate the ovaries to produce an egg from each side in a single ovulation cycle.

Others say it’s all genetics, though it’s amazing that any twin DNA survived to get passed along. In pre-colonial times, the Yoruba tribes thought twins were evil and routinely killed them. This practice ended when a Scottish missionary convinced them bad things happened for other reasons. Now, twins are revered in the culture and nearly everybody is related to one or more sets of twins.

Mexico Loves Its Bullfighters Young and Younger

Madeline Holler — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 14:36:00 GMT

I know I should hate this story, but really, I think it’s cute. Little 9-year-olds out fighting bulls!

Sure, they’re getting gored like the rest in the profession. But kids are resilient! They'll shake it off! Plus, I bet their parents don’t get accused of being helicopters!

The two boys featured in this New York Times piece are not allowed to fight in their home country, Spain, which has boring old age restrictions on professional sports that involve blood, livestock and the real threat of bodily harm. So the kid-matadors have been swinging their capes and thrilling audiences all over Mexico, where -- don’t you get the impression? -- anything goes.

The featured boys and their contemporaries – there are many, though Mexico doesn’t keep count – are a popular attraction at the bullfights. They are matched with bulls according to their age and experience and, in this case, trained by their fathers who are masters at the sport themselves. The very youngest matadors get matched with year-old bulls.

What do you think? Kind of makes the skate park look tame, doesn’t it? And, do stories like this make you feel like your kids are -- how shall I put this -- boring?

Call Me, 'K?: Kiddie Business Cards

Madeline Holler — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 18:01:00 GMT

I’m ahead of the trends, I’m ahead of the trends! The New York Post is reporting (here via UPI) that the latest mini-me trend for New York parents is business cards for their kids. Moms and dads hand them out on the playground to aid in the all-important play date arrangements. The pre-printed cards are actually legible (as opposed to eyeliner on a receipt) and returned phone calls have increased ten-fold (I just made that up).

Savvy stationery shops have created a special line just for kids – embossing slogans like “My Crib or Yours?” A set of costs around $60 per box. Sales have tripled since last year.

I’m never ahead of trends so I’m just breathless in bringing this to you. I made cards for my daughter after we moved last year and she handed them out to her friends at school. Sure, I did hers on my computer. And, true, the laser ink rubbed off because I printed them on high-gloss stock. Still! Cutting edge! I can’t recommend the kid card enough.

Reeeeeally Switched at Birth Babies Going Back to Bio Families

Madeline Holler — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 16:59:00 GMT

My goodness, I have so few details yet so many questions! Apparently, two boys who were switched at birth will be switched back and go live with their biological parents.

It looks like the two boys, now 4 years old, were born in the same Saudi hospital, and switched at some point before they were taken home. Here’s the weird thing: one of the families is Turkish.

Sure, all families have their own thing going on, but this seems even more extreme than when babies of two Idaho families are switched at birth or something. For four years, these two kids have been raised in families who speak different languages and are of different cultures. Not that a 4-year-old can’t learn another language, but sheesh. There you are, loving your mom and dad and then someone tells you there’s a new mom and dad. Tragic. And not only are the people different, but the language, culture, etc. is too.

The Saudi dad is pissed and wants to sue. He had no idea his boy Ali was biologically the child of another family. But the Turkish father has claimed for a while (not sure how long) that "light-skinned" Yacoub wasn’t his. Saudi officials who didn’t believe him went ahead with DNA tests and, well, that was that. Apparently Yacoub looks just like his Saudi bio-dad.

Weird. Sad. Damn.

Embrace the Muffin Top: Extra Pounds May Save Your Life, Not Destroy It

Madeline Holler — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 21:25:00 GMT

Can't shed those last 10 pounds of baby weight? Don't! Being a little fat might actually help you survive illnesses such as pneumonia and emphysema, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Overweight people also seemed less likely to die from some types of injuries and infections, according to the study.

Being fat is healthy? That's too good to be true! Indeed, it is. But not that much.

Extra fat still contributes to diabetes and kidney disease. But a new study found that up to 25 extra pounds (yessssss!) doesn't increase the risk of death from heart disease or cancer. But being obese -- that's scoring a BMI of 30 points or higher -- does. So, it's okay to be fat, but not too fat.

This whole fat-is-fine conundrum has doctors baffled. (No word on how self-righteous skinny people are taking the news.) The studies seem to contribute to the once-ignored idea that it is indeed possible to be fit and fat. One obesity expert says this news might also calm what he calls the "obesity epidemic hysteria."

A heart specialist, however, worries that the results might be misinterpreted and misleading. For example, a death certificate might have listed a diabetic's cause of death as diabetes, when actually heart disease contributed to the person's demise. He vows that this CDC report won't be the last word. (Those heart guys are such downers!)

Should we take our eyes of the scale? Rework the BMI chart? Forget about the pounds, embrace size 16 fourth-graders and just work on fitness?

Surgery on Girl with 8 Arms, Legs a Success

Madeline Holler — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:29:00 GMT

A team of 30 surgeons and doctors successfully removed the two extra arms and two extra legs of a 2-year-old Indian girl, who had been born with eight limbs, a second spine and other extra organs.

As part of the surgery, which lasted 24 hours, doctors also managed to salvage her organs and reconstruct her pelvis. The lead surgeon said this girl, whose villagers believed she was a reincarnation of Hindu Goddess Lakshmi, would lead a normal life once she has fully recovered.

Lakshmi's extra body parts are the result of a "parasitic twin," a second fetus in a mother's womb that dies and becomes absorbed by the other living and normally developing fetus.

The next few days she will be watched closely as she remains in critical condition. One surgeon in the U.S., who was not involved in Lakshmi's operation, said the girls chances of survival are great, since she and her twin weren't joined at the brain or heart.

Photo: Associated Press

Little Dogs, Little Children: Toxic Combo or Crazy Pet Person Issue?

Madeline Holler — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 19:48:00 GMT

I’ll admit that when I read a little more about the whole Ellen Degeneres dog-adoption debacle, I felt a twinge. Of recognition. Of guilt. Of shame.

Yes, taking the dog away from the hairdresser’s kids was ridiculous. Yes, many people deep into the pet adoption world have lost perspective. But I couldn’t help thinking about Milo, our 9-pound, half Chihuahua, half rat terrier and how, on occasion, he suffers at the delicate hands of my 2-year-old human.

I’m not saying my kids twirl the little guy around by his hind legs. Or put firecrackers in his mouth. Or dress him up in doll clothes. But once I caught my youngest carrying him to the couch – by his head. And she has a tendency to hug him a little too tight. And poke his ears.

Of course, she’s learning. I’m learning. We’re all learning. And sure, it’s unfair that Milo is our involuntary teacher. Life in our family has to be somewhat disappointing, after the euphoria he must have felt when a neighbor delivered him to us from the mean streets of traffic-heavy downtown Los Angeles, where his determined little puppy self was dodging cars and hosting fleas, looking for work or food.

Life isn’t perfect here for Milo, but it’s good. And getting better. Should dogs be placed in the most perfect homes possible? Sure. Should only big dogs go to homes with small children? Looks like there’s some debate.

Teens Don’t Go to Homecoming: One Father’s Lament

Madeline Holler — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 21:07:00 GMT

I can only read this as good news: teens no longer go to Homecoming dances.

I think the asinine and completely outdated habits these types of traditions hold on to are worth tossing out. Teens seem to agree. Across the country – even in conservative, heartland cities like Wichita, Kan. -- schools are canceling the dances due to a lack of interest or attendance.

But this Wall Street Journal writer and father of three girls is deeply saddened by the lost tradition, the waning chivalry, the new “cool” status bestowed on those who opt not to go. He blames hot-blooded, freak-dancing teens who left school officials with no other choice but to ban the dances or the dancing. He blames the “easy” girls who, he hints, are luring the boys away.

His poor daughter and her friends! They only wanted to show off their news dresses, their fancy hairstyles, themselves – but their dates decided that very evening not to go. These damn boys left them with no other choice but to not attend the dance!

Teachable moment, Daddy. You can remind your daughter that, if she’s so hell-bent on going, she can go with her friends. She can go by herself! Give her the keys to the minivan! Tell her to be home by midnight! Tell her to girl-up and decide right there whether she's going to move with the pack or without them, social conventions or not.

Don’t blame the sluts, sir, for the fact that your daughter kept her mouth shut when, while parents were taking pictures of the dressed-up teens, she decided to go along with not going to the dance. Blame whomever gave her the idea that Daddy (and his substitutes) know best.

Photo: www.nicoleshow.com

Breast Milk-IQ Link Found: It’s Genetic

Madeline Holler — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 20:07:00 GMT

You know how every time you’re touting the positive impact that breastfeeding has on a child’s intelligence and brain development, there’s always someone who pipes up and says, “Yeah? Well, I was breastfed and I’m stupid!”

I hate that guy. But he might have a point. Researchers may have finally figured out that breast milk achievement gap.

A new study shows that our DNA works in concert with breast milk to turn out those higher IQs.

Here's what they found: breast-fed kids who had a common variation of a particular gene scored an average of seven points higher on tests than children who were fed formula. But other breast-fed children, those with a less common variation of the gene, got no score boost at all.

It’s not quite a breast milk gene, the researchers say. Instead, it’s a gene that determines how we process nutrients – specifically how humans metabolize long-chain polyunsaturated fatty acids, which breast milk is loaded with but don’t exist in cows milk or most formulas. In some 90 percent of the breastfed kids, the gene variant helped process these fatty acids more efficiently than in those kids with the other variation of the gene, accounting for all the advantage associated with breast milk.

So if you didn’t breastfeed and you’re feeling guilty, no worries! Your child might be part of that 10 percent who wouldn’t have benefited anyway.

8-Limbed Girl to Undergo Surgery

Madeline Holler — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:09:00 GMT

A girl who was born with eight arms and legs is undergoing surgery in her native India to have some of them removed. (Click here for more pictures.)

Considered by some in her village to be a reincarnation of the Hindu goddess -- after whom the 2-year-old Lakshmi is named -- the girl has been treated with reverence as well as spectacle. A circus even offered to buy her from her family.

The extra limbs -- and also extra organs -- are the result of a parsitic twin. A conjoined twin stopped developing in the mother's womb and was absorbed by the surviving fetus. This has left Lakshmi with a complicated little body. Doctors have already separated her two fused spines.

Chances are good that she'll live past adolescence, her doctors say, if she can overcome the 20 to 25 percent odds that she won't survive the surgery.

Photos: Associated Press

Kidventor Part II: No-Wedgie Underwear

Madeline Holler — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 22:02:00 GMT

In our continuing coverage of kidventors, we bring you 8-year-old twins from Ohio who have invented wedgie-free underwear.

Like the Iowa kid who devised a way to end fights about raised toilet seats, these twins and their invention were also featured on a recent Ellen Degeneres show.

The “Rip Away 1000” are rigged shorts that have been reengineered in a way that prevents them from going up your crack when the bullies start grabbing and yanking. Instead, Velcro seams come apart and “they just rip away,” one of the Underwear Thomas Edisons explained.

Hey, I don’t wanna pick on little kids or anything, but I have to ask how in the hell easily removable underwear will be anything but trouble. Haven't they just turned underwear into a trophy? Plus, depending on the strength of the wedgie aggressor, “Rip Away 1000” could burn!

Photo: Palm Beach Post

Kidventor Part I: Boy Designs Auto-Lid For the Toilet

Madeline Holler — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:03:00 GMT

An Iowa 9-year-old has invented a handy little tool for guys who just can’t remember to put the toilet seat down. He and his “Privy Prop” won an inventors competition at school and went on to be showcased at the Iowa State Fair this summer.

Producers of the Ellen Degeneres show found out and featured him and several other kidventors on a recent show. Our 15 seconds of fame come in so many different ways.

The Privy Prop works like the lid of trashcans that lift when a pedal is stepped on. Sidle up to a toilet, step on the pedal, unzip and go. When you step away from the toilet, the seat automatically falls back in place. No more nagging from the females in the house.

The kidventor’s family hopes some company will buy the idea from the boy. They are reluctant to patent it themselves, due to cost. And mom has put her foot down and won’t let the family get into the Privy Prop production business.

In my house of girls and one very considerate man, we don’t need a Privy Prop. But would some little genius please come up with an automatic clothes folder?

Photo: Associated Press