Strollerderby : Mother's Day gifts

4 Mother's Day Gifts to Let Mom Know She's Haggard

Madeline Holler — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:23:00 GMT

There's a time and a place to give health and beauty gifts. But a Mother's Day brunch is not one of them. If you really want to honor mom, give her jewelry, art ... hell, the rest of the day to see a movie alone.

But don't imply she's less than gorgeous. Remember, it's the thought that counts and you don't want mom to think that you think THAT. Right?

So stay away from the following gift suggestions, some PR firm has repeatedly blasted to Strollerderby. Yes, I know, it's just a tube of really expensive mascara. But it says oh, so much more.

Gift: Lash Food, an all natural eyelash and eyebrow conditioning stimulator that provides you with fuller, longer, darker and stronger lashes. $129

Thought: Mom, you're beautiful on the inside, but not in your face.

Gift: Belli Skincare's Stretchmark Minimizing Cream, healing skin reparative treatment specifically formulated to decrease the appearance of existing stretchmarks. $52

Thought: Mom, ew. Either cover those things up or get rid of them.

Gift: Tres Sleek (formerly Flabuless) Arm Shaper, aka: a girdle for Mom's lunch-lady arms.

Thought: Mom, you're fat and oozy!

Gift: A trip to a luxury hotel where Mom can wait for her early morning plastic surgery appointment -- performed by Dr. Michael Salzhauer, the guy who wrote a kid's book about moms and plastic surgery, "My Beautiful Mommy"!

Thought: Mom, we think you know what this means.

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Photo: Lindathebralady.com

What She's Afraid to tell You She Really Wants for Mother's Day

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 10 May 2008 14:02:00 GMT

If you have a sense of humor and all little children are safely out of the room, check out this video... It's just like the Roomba, but far more personal:\

Woomba [Hat tip: Babble Reader Logical Mama]

Mother's Day Is Really More for Fathers Anyway

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 07 May 2007 20:13:00 GMT

When I was very young -- probably 21 or 22 -- I bought my mom a squirt gun for her birthday. I wasn't very subtle in suggesting that if she didn't want to play with it right away, I would "test it out" to see if it was working properly. She remembers the gift as a great act of humorous selfishness.

I remember it as a watershed moment in gift giving, akin to Homer offering Marge a bowling ball -- with his name on it. So in that vein, I'd like to offer up some of the very best in Mother's Day, um, gifts.

1. Lingerie. Strappy, silky, see-through lingerie. Just the thing to wear when relaxing with a book and a cup of hot tea.

2. A set of barbecue tools -- because really, cooking in the kitchen gets so old.

3. A gift certificate ... to Home Depot.

4. A bottle of 30-year-old Scotch for her book club meetings. Yeah, book club. That's it.

5. While you're at it, a new bar set. She'll love it.

6. A book of those cheesy, spice-it-up sex "gift certificates" -- because nothing says unwinding after a long day like giving a, well, Page 32 describes it I'm sure.

7. And if you can't think of anything else, stick with a bowling ball. It worked out really well for Homer.

Mother's Day Jewelry: The Worst Bling Ever

Kelly Mills — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 20:27:00 GMT

Earlier I showed you some ways you could go terribly, horribly wrong in the jewelry department for Mother's Day. But of course, things can only get worse. Here's jewelry that borders on punishment. Drum roll...

The "Grew in My Heart" Charm. Aaaaargh!

Where to start? Well, first of all, I'm pretty sure my baby grew in my uterus, not my heart. I mean, they are both body parts, but still, anatomically incorrect.

Second, this baby is creepy. It has a scary gold face. Its legs look like tentacles. And the heart looks too fat.

Third, this little beauty is advertised as "The perfect push prize for new mothers". I hate that term. As I have said before, the only push prize I ever wanted was a brand new hoo hoo. But now that I'm thinking about it, the heart just looks about as stretched out and misshapen as certain important body parts did following all that pushing.

As a side note, I am equally creeped out by the "baby's headband to bridal garter" gift advertised on the same site. Thank god I didn't get one of these at my shower. "Oh honey, just think, this headband fits around her head now, but someday her husband will lift up her skirt, pull it off her thigh, and throw it at his drunk friends!" Can you believe it is out of stock?

Have fun shopping.

Mother's Day Jewelry: Run Away From These!

Kelly Mills — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 16:08:00 GMT

With Mother's Day just around the corner, Jessica showed us what a classy, thoughtful customized gift looks like. Now let's delve into the darker side of personalizing, shall we? Don't be scared, I'll hold your hand.

While I'm all for the sweet keepsake, a line must be drawn somewhere, and I think this is already miles beyond that. When I hint around that I'd like jewelry for Mother's Day, I do not mean a giant shiny ring with clashing gems and my kid's name carved into it in block letters. Really. I'm not kidding.

So let's review a couple jewelry buying tips for those who might be tempted to pick up one of these beauties for mom:

1. Rings for mom should not be larger than the ones Liberace wore. I also believe engraving belongs on the inside, not the outside of the band. That way it's less of a shout-out, and more of a nice secret between the buyer and the wearer. Besides, you know all kinds of crap is gonna get stuck in the grooved letters, and what mom needs one more thing covered in crap on her hand?

2. Don't ever buy a ring called "Family Fun #2".

3. Ewwww, you can see right through Megan's skirt!

4. Having more than two children shouldn't mean you end up with a ring so heavy you couldn't pick up a coffee cup with that hand.

5. On a related note, the whole birthstone thing might seem cute, but no mom with more than one child is going to end up with gems that look good together. And do you really want to convince your child he was born in April, not May, so you can upgrade from an emerald to a diamond?

6. The four words that will help the most in your jewelry buying quest: Simple. Diamond. Stud. Earrings. Give her those and you are pretty much guaranteed to get something nice in return, if you know what I mean.

Hope that was helpful. Coming up soon: the very worst Mother's Day bling of all!

Mother's Day Crafts Your Kids Can Make - For You

Karen Murphy — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 12:31:00 GMT

Mother's Day is coming up. So are you going to celebrate with a corsage and a fancy brunch (maybe in a hundred years)? Puh-lease! How about a nice little kid-made gift instead? I know it's a little weird encouraging your kids to make something as a gift when you're the recipient, but here's a page full of instructions for making easy crafts and cards that kids of all ages can do. Even with the help of a craft-challenged dad.

My kids have made these easy paper heart baskets, and once yours get the hang of making them they might still remember how next Valentine's Day. Two holidays with one craft! Don't like hearts? How about this Scary Pop-Up Card instead? Or the no-brainer Painted Flowerpot (plan ahead if you'd like it to contain an actual growing plant), or "Stained Glass" Made From Crayon Bits (so you can reminisce about having made the ~~lame~~ same thing in 3rd grade)?

There's nothing like planning your own gifts to ensure you get what you really want. Too bad the site doesn't have instructions to make an Automatically Refilling Martini Glass, or Sound-Deadening Ear Plugs (use to drown out The Wiggles, or Dora's theme song), or maybe just a simple Shag Lock. Those gifts would be really useful.

[Image credit: AllPosters.com]