Strollerderby : Patti Nichols

Strollerderby Finishline: Vacation All We Ever Wanted

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 11:45:00 GMT

Strollerderby bloggers have vacation on the brain this week. Pierre just returned from his trip out West to the beautiful San Juan Islands. Mike is relaxing at a mysteriously un-wi-fii-ed bed and breakfast, and Karen is loving up on..... Whistler, B.C.??

Meanwhile:

Jessica describes the happy reunion following baby elephant's day out,
Patti shares some great tips for cooking while on a camping vacay with her kids,
Mike celebrates Father's Day every day
Gwynne talks up Babble's Summer Film Round-Up
Whit starts the weekend out right with a friday afternoon mini-vacation using a drink inspired by Otter Pops

Strollerderby Finishline: Boobs, mmmm That's Good Eatin'

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 12 May 2007 13:24:00 GMT

Puritans unite! Maggie Gyllenhaal has boobs. And you're not going to believe this -- are you ready? She uses them to feed. her. children. Next she'll want to push a kid out of her lady business, or perform some other wholly unnatural act. Crazy Hollywood liberals ...

In case you missed it, that's what's been happening in the SD this week. Boobs. Sarah's post about a paparazzi snapshot of the starlet's lunchtime activities uncorked a debate that's, well, absurd. Of course she should cover up! With her kid's hungry mouth. Wherever they friggin please. (Yes, I'm biased, but so what?)

Or, as Alisyn said in covering the ensuing debate -- suck it, haters!

Of course, things eventually returned to normal, and the SD continued to do what it does best: Rock. (Due in no small part to the latest Hitting the Bottle: Jessica's Big Boy Panties.)

Stefania uncovered one-of-a-kind Mother's Day gifts that will look nice forever -- even if your kid winds up at Rocco's School O' Beauty or begging for change on the street. (That said, I can eat $3,000 worth of chocolate.)

Karen not only coined a new word -- singletudinousness -- she also offered an insightful, personal take on why single parents can do it better. One of this week's must-reads.

Pierre is back this week! And he brings a new and justified fascination with Samuel Jackson. Forget Alec Baldwin, I'd love to hear the messages SJ leaves for his daughter.

Kelly is probably the only person ever who has made me laugh out loud using "child labor" as a punchline. And then she got past the "romance" of attachment parenting and said hippies smell.

Patti missed a great opportunity to snark on the 17-strong Duggar family -- opting for wisdom, foresight and grace instead. And the picture's gonna make you snort Coke out of your nose. (No, Kelly, soda!)

Rachael discovered that a guy wearing a pregnancy suit tastes like chicken. But I think she got it right the first time: Cree-py.

As for me, I'm still crying in my beer over this. I'm not sure I can take Tuesdays without the "Gilmore Girls."

Strollerderby Finishline: The Sky Has Fallen Edition

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 05 May 2007 15:20:00 GMT

Et tu, Lorelai? Yes, it's been a sad, sad few days. The "Gilmore Girls" is canceled. Goodbye parenting TV Nirvana. Hello ... "Notes from the Underbelly"? No thanks. Sure, a lot of other important stuff happened this week. But really, when the best. show. on. TV. goes off the air, does it matter anymore?

So join me as I fill my own sippy cup with this and recount all things that don't really matter compared to the saddest. news. ever. Perspective? Not likely.

Sarah learns one of life's truisms: Bob Dylan rocks, but he scares the bejebus out of little kids.

Karen wants you to forget all those stereotypes -- cougars rock! (My words, not hers ....)

Jessica pulls a Madonna. No, she didn't pilfer orphans. She just wants moms to express themselves!

Kelly enjoys poking out children's eyes. And mocking your penis. And I don't blame her.

Alisyn spares Jaime Pressly the bad news. She thinks pregnancy is bad? Try post-partum. (She still rocks on "Earl," however!)

Melissa lies to her dentist. The shame. The shame!!!

As much as this posts makes me want to call Stefania a bag hag, she is the editor, soooo .... bag lady it is. (Goodbye Christmas bonus!)

Patti won't write on your underwear -- she'll just use an adhesive label. Ouch.

Rachael wants to hire a sitter and try something new. Now there's a date night I could get behind. Oh wait, laser tag? I was thinking something else. Hey, anything to take my mind off the pain.

[Special thanks to Random House for the photo of Gay Talese and fam. I was very, very pleased to stumble upon this in my weekly search for the best in vintage family photos.]

Strollerderby Finishline: Placenta Eating Mimes Dine Out With Chris and Courtney

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 21:17:00 GMT

That headline? That sums up our week. When we weren't knee-deep in placenta juice (mmmmm), we were kicking kids out of restaurants, wondering why new moms are so damn selfish and getting an odd feeling that celebrities aren't using "yoga" to shed pregnancy pounds so much as having their stomachs nipped and tucked. Oh yeah, and there's mimes.

Our week begins not only with the thought of Ricki Lake naked, but also with the sad, sorry plight of her assistant, whose job it was to clean out the "placenta juice" from the home-birth bath tub. I can't thank you enough for such wonderful imagery Stefania ....

Chris Rock has long advised dads to keep their daughters off the pole -- the stripper pole. Jessica wants to know what advice Rock has for dads of boys -- considering he may just be one. And while he's at it, why not just form a playgroup for all the celebrity dads using DNA to confirm their progeny?

New SD streetwalker, er, I mean blogger Kelly Mills (oh just go look at her bio, silly) thinks yoga is code for "gastric bypass." But at least Courtney Love is thin again, and really, what else matters?

And then there's the ever-popular debate about kids in restaurants. Crank Mama Rachael finally admitted it. You know all those people who are "for the children?" She ain't one of them. At least when it comes to toting tots to fancy restaurants or mommy's day spa. Nothing brings out the smiles like the topic of kids and white table cloths. Oh, and this is pretty funny, too.

Alisyn wonders whether she's too much of a Puritan and also whether 9 is too young to go strapless -- while parents, just like her, wonder why the hell Teri Hatcher has any pull at the White House anyway.

Patti is afraid of mimes and is probably still under her covers with a trusty baseball bat. Sound freakish? Just watch these guys and you'll understand. They've got nothing on "Pigs in Space."

Karen offers some sage advice for playground safety. Kids with beards? Yeah, it's time to go home.

Melissa uncovers Rosy the Riveter's private stash. Of art. Created by her kids. While Rosy was busy, ya know, building big-ass World War II battleships. Definitely worth a look.

Sarah takes on TomKat, advising newly 1-year-old Suri to come to her senses, get on her feet and run, Forrest, run! OK, maybe that's just me. Still, it's good advice. As Sarah says, her parentals are freakshows.

And I admitted something you've known all along. I'm a dork. And, oddly, quite proud of it.

Finally, I'm not exactly sure which evil genius here at Babble thought up the idea of our best. feature. ever. -- "Hitting the Bottle" -- but hats off, my friend. Followed by my shoes, my socks, my pants, shirt, underwear, watch, sock garters (what?) after just a few of the "Free Babysitters," Gin and Tequila? I just hope the babysitter's easy, too.

Strollerderby Finishline: Parents Are Insane

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 16:10:00 GMT

Larry Birkhead pimps his daughter. Barbie has her own car. A real car. And Alec Baldwin ... well, do you really need a reminder? That's the kind of week it's been. It's enough to make you need a Time Out. (And let me just add for the Jesus Juice Junkies: Yum. Try it. Now.)

Our week begins with Hello Kitty. The famous, puffy doll who has cornered the market on backpacks, book binders and pencil erasers also has her own biography, airplane and favorite ice cream. Who knew? Thanks Pierre!

Sarah tackles yet another doll. Only this one makes Barbie look like a prim, proper prude who's always at the ready with lady fingers and tea, instead of, oh I don't know, making out with Ken and Donny Osmond. Donny Osmond? Oh just go check it out.

And then we move onto playdates. CrankMama advises a stay-at-home dad not to worry: Playdates suck it. Unless there's alcohol. And rules. Much, much better rules.

And speaking of playdates, Jessica wonders whether your tot has mad skills for simultaneously dropping a Lego tower and dropping a load. Mini-multitaskers rock the house.

Aside from giving me a reason to wake up in the morning, Melissa (in her first Finishline mention - yeehaw!) tackles childhood obesity and discovers that Bill Clinton is the president who keeps on giving. (To which I say, giving? Really? I thought he was more of a receiver. Never mind ....)

Karen nails the whole Mothers Day conspiracy on the head. (By conspiracy I mean, why do moms go first anyway? Huh?) I'm definitely going to use these tactics for Fathers Day anyway: Ensure you get something nice by planning your own gifts and then making your kids make it. I love you Karen.

We've already hinted about Larry Birkhead. Stefania tackles the sleaze of the week. Year? God, I hope not.

Oh but wait, I forgot about the other sleaze -- and this one has more sleaze. Thanks to Alisyn for tracking Alec Baldwin's crazy. (Does anyone else feel bad for still liking him on "30 Rock"?)

And then there's the Barbie Car. If you don't hear from Patti next week, it means she finally found a dealer for her "cupcake on wheels." A pink Barbie Bug dealer. Good luck south o' the border, Patti! We're pulling for you!

And finally, like almost all of my posts, I enjoyed this one more for the picture I found than the actual writing.

Finish Line: Drunken Parents Rule the World

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 15:26:00 GMT

Bear with me -- or is it bare? I can't never remember -- but I am two "choking hazards" into Strollerderby's latest and best creation, so this post may be a little more unintelligible than all my others. (Didn't think that was possible!) The point is, there is reason to celebrate. Strollerderby rocked the sandbox this week -- and I feel like sharing.

First, and sticking with the vein of parents who like a stiff drink, Sarah puts the smackdown on the most ridiculous anti-teen drinking campaign ever. What won't work for teens, she says, will cause a laugh riot for their parents.

And when we're not smacking down stupid campaigns, we're smacking down bullies. Karen provides some excellent tips for beating bullies -- even when your school doesn't do a damn thing to help.

CityMama Stefania warns parents about a looming storm this summer ... when the new Apple iPhone debuts. Turns out kids are already gabbing about the thing and parents are about to be hit up for $500 big ones. Get a job, she says. Agreed.

Alisyn provides the big ideas this week with a touching post on gender and identity and how, sometimes, one doesn't determine the other. A must read. So get crackin'!

SD newcomer Jessica Ashley starts out strong with a scathing report on rampant child abuse. Everywhere, it seems, children are being forced to wash their hands! The humanity of it all!

When she's not using your favorite kid names for her car, Patti comes to the conclusion that you just can win in the name game: "Just pick a name you like, and don't tell anyone so you won't have to listen to them try to talk you out of it." Again, agreed. 100 fuggin percent.

And CrankMama Rachael again very astutely -- and very hotly, I might add -- gets at the crux of the hipster parenting phenom and finds there is, gasp, other shit to worry about than $800 strollers and lame-ass TV shows.

My oh my, it was nice knowing you Pierre aka MetroDad -- but mocking Scientology? I just don't have the, um, guts -- even if the idea of a desperate Katie Holmes using her daughter's birthday party to send for help is kind of funny. OK, really, really funny.

And finally, I tell the world that a kidless, college-age know-nothing is, well, a kidless college-age know nothing. Except I do it with panache ... and a "choking hazard!" Mmmmm. That's good parenting.

Finish Line: Your Strollerderby Recap for the Week of February 18, 2007

JasonAvant — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 19:04:00 GMT

Welcome to this, the first installment of our weekly roundup of Strollerderby's best. Realizing that "best" is relative (example: I believe that Zooropa is U2's best album), here are some highlights from this past week.

Sarah and Rachael both sparked some coversations with a couple of posts. Sarah, after reading a piece by Two Okapi's Daddy, posed the question, "what's the most surprising part of parenthood"? (The correct answer, by the way, is "42".) Rachael, after visiting the sorta NSFW site MILPHWorld, mused over the whole MILF concept. I've yet to form an opinion, and will need to spend a few more hours on the site in order to formulate my hypothesis. Research, you know.

Of course, this week was all about Britney and Anna Nicole. Karen discusses K-Fed's merits as a father; Stefania muses on newly-bald Brit and her short stint in rehab; Alisyn takes us back to the K-Fed front, then checks up on Britney, who's back in rehab; and then we learn from Mike that Anna Nicole reached out to Britney, which would've been like getting these two back together, and tossing 'em a big bag full of ketamine.

In other news, Jay put the spotlight on a piece in The Stranger about the difficulties faced by parents who lead alternative lifestyles, I put the spotlight on a piece about the difficulties faced by a high school student who wrote a column advocating tolerance of alternative lifestyles, and Stefania and Karen put the spotlight on Brangelinajopittlie putting the spotlight on themselves, and Madonna putting the spotlight on herself. Also, Alisyn says, for those of you that were wondering, yes, Donald Trump is still an ass.

On the health care front: Karen passed along some interesting info - prenatal vitamins may help prevent cancer in babies. Jay looked at the potential effects that pregnancy hormones may have on MS, and Mike pointed out that WMD's and my old Battle of The Planets lunchbox have something in common - our government bullshat the public about both. Patti pointed us to an article about a Fresno County nutritionist who uses a ground-breaking new approach to teaching kids about healthy food. Pierre says TV? Not so good; Patti says Wii? Not so bad.

Finally, Sarah used the word "scrotum" in a piece about a Newberry Award-winning book that's been banned from many schools because it contains the word "scrotum". We here at Strollerderby apologize to all of you who were struck blind upon reading the word "scrotum".