Strollerderby : Rachael Brown

Strollerderby Finishline: The Sky Has Fallen Edition

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 05 May 2007 15:20:00 GMT

Et tu, Lorelai? Yes, it's been a sad, sad few days. The "Gilmore Girls" is canceled. Goodbye parenting TV Nirvana. Hello ... "Notes from the Underbelly"? No thanks. Sure, a lot of other important stuff happened this week. But really, when the best. show. on. TV. goes off the air, does it matter anymore?

So join me as I fill my own sippy cup with this and recount all things that don't really matter compared to the saddest. news. ever. Perspective? Not likely.

Sarah learns one of life's truisms: Bob Dylan rocks, but he scares the bejebus out of little kids.

Karen wants you to forget all those stereotypes -- cougars rock! (My words, not hers ....)

Jessica pulls a Madonna. No, she didn't pilfer orphans. She just wants moms to express themselves!

Kelly enjoys poking out children's eyes. And mocking your penis. And I don't blame her.

Alisyn spares Jaime Pressly the bad news. She thinks pregnancy is bad? Try post-partum. (She still rocks on "Earl," however!)

Melissa lies to her dentist. The shame. The shame!!!

As much as this posts makes me want to call Stefania a bag hag, she is the editor, soooo .... bag lady it is. (Goodbye Christmas bonus!)

Patti won't write on your underwear -- she'll just use an adhesive label. Ouch.

Rachael wants to hire a sitter and try something new. Now there's a date night I could get behind. Oh wait, laser tag? I was thinking something else. Hey, anything to take my mind off the pain.

[Special thanks to Random House for the photo of Gay Talese and fam. I was very, very pleased to stumble upon this in my weekly search for the best in vintage family photos.]

Strollerderby Finishline: Parents Are Insane

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 16:10:00 GMT

Larry Birkhead pimps his daughter. Barbie has her own car. A real car. And Alec Baldwin ... well, do you really need a reminder? That's the kind of week it's been. It's enough to make you need a Time Out. (And let me just add for the Jesus Juice Junkies: Yum. Try it. Now.)

Our week begins with Hello Kitty. The famous, puffy doll who has cornered the market on backpacks, book binders and pencil erasers also has her own biography, airplane and favorite ice cream. Who knew? Thanks Pierre!

Sarah tackles yet another doll. Only this one makes Barbie look like a prim, proper prude who's always at the ready with lady fingers and tea, instead of, oh I don't know, making out with Ken and Donny Osmond. Donny Osmond? Oh just go check it out.

And then we move onto playdates. CrankMama advises a stay-at-home dad not to worry: Playdates suck it. Unless there's alcohol. And rules. Much, much better rules.

And speaking of playdates, Jessica wonders whether your tot has mad skills for simultaneously dropping a Lego tower and dropping a load. Mini-multitaskers rock the house.

Aside from giving me a reason to wake up in the morning, Melissa (in her first Finishline mention - yeehaw!) tackles childhood obesity and discovers that Bill Clinton is the president who keeps on giving. (To which I say, giving? Really? I thought he was more of a receiver. Never mind ....)

Karen nails the whole Mothers Day conspiracy on the head. (By conspiracy I mean, why do moms go first anyway? Huh?) I'm definitely going to use these tactics for Fathers Day anyway: Ensure you get something nice by planning your own gifts and then making your kids make it. I love you Karen.

We've already hinted about Larry Birkhead. Stefania tackles the sleaze of the week. Year? God, I hope not.

Oh but wait, I forgot about the other sleaze -- and this one has more sleaze. Thanks to Alisyn for tracking Alec Baldwin's crazy. (Does anyone else feel bad for still liking him on "30 Rock"?)

And then there's the Barbie Car. If you don't hear from Patti next week, it means she finally found a dealer for her "cupcake on wheels." A pink Barbie Bug dealer. Good luck south o' the border, Patti! We're pulling for you!

And finally, like almost all of my posts, I enjoyed this one more for the picture I found than the actual writing.

Parent's House Trashed After Teen's Party Advertised on MySpace

Karen Murphy — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 11:11:00 GMT

I so do not want to be Rachael Brown, age 17. (Okay, I so do not ever want to be 17 again for any reason, but that's beside the point.) Nor do I want to be her parents, who are faced with a $40,000 bill after Rachael's party, advertised on her MySpace page, got out of hand. Rachael claims her MySpace site was hacked (and I believe her, poor kid) and that she attempted to bolt the door when hundreds of alcohol-soaked people began pouring into her house, unexpected and unannounced, but she was unable to stop the tide.

Rachael was going to clean up the mess the next day, thinking that she had a few days before her parents returned from their vacation (is anybody else thinking "Risky Business" here?), but instead went into hiding when she found out they were due home any minute. As a result she was unable to save them from a major "ohmygod" moment when they walked in and found the self-described "house rape": mom's wedding dress was urinated on, urine and vomit was everywhere, clothing and jewelry was stolen, ceiling light fixtures were ripped down from being swung on (and here I thought that was so cliche), and there were numerous cigarette burns in the carpet.

Dude! That's quite a party. Police are investigating the MySpace hack claim, and meanwhile Rachael's parents have moved out of the house while it's being professionally cleaned. Rachael's hanging at some undisclosed location and published an apology to her parents in her local paper.

Either possible actual scenario here is interesting:

a. Rachael's a total liar and she was swinging on the chandeliers with the rest of them, or

b. She spent an anguished worst-nightmare-come-true night watching her house be totally trashed, wracked with guilt.

I'm thinking "b", but then I'm pretty much an optimist. What's your vote?