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RetroFitted: School Supplies You Used Then, But Never Again

Jen Chaney — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:32:00 GMT

As school bells rang -- if they hadn't rung already -- for many this week, I started to reminisce about lunchboxes. And dividers. And Wite-Out.

You know, all those school supplies you had as a kid that, once you grew up and started working in the real world, you used ... never again. Some of the items that we "needed" to keep nestled inside our cold metal desks seem, in retrospect, completely unnecessary and borderline ridiculous. Here are 10 that may cause instant flashbacks to the third grade, especially for all you former kids of the '70s and '80s.

10. Wite-Out: A must-have back when people still used typewriters, this tiny jar of white cover-up was once a staple for many students and now is practically extinct. Added bonus: That potent, chemical smell.

9. Pencil sharpener: Honestly, when was the last time you ground a No. 2 into one of those little plastic doohickeys that was supposed to make it sharper? Exactly: Sometime around 1983.

8. The lunchbox: Most adults bring their PB&J to work in one of those sophisticated-looking totes or the classic brown bag. But some days, you know you want to pack your salad and yogurt in a Peanuts lunchbox with a flip-up Thermos. Or maybe in one of those metal classics with Wonder Woman on the front. Come on. Admit it.

7. The pink eraser: Remember rubbing these furiously to remove the mistake you made while practicing cursive? And remember blowing the speckles of pink dust off that piece of lined paper so you could attempt a better-looking lowercase "g"? Do you also remember why we needed these rectangular deleters when pencils already come with erasers on the end?

6. School box: This was exactly what it sounded like: A pseudo-cigar box designed to hold all those pencils, erasers and what not. But really, wasn't that what your desk was for?

5. Book covers: I know kids still use these. But if I wrap the novel I'm currently reading in packing paper and write "I Heart Rick Springfield" on it in Magic Marker, I think I'll get funny looks on the subway.

4. The Trapper Keeper: No three ring-binder was cooler than this baby back in the '80s. (If memory serves, mine was green, with jungle animals on it.) I have to think today's teachers are relieved that these aren't quite as popular today, and that they now make them with magnetic closures. No one needs to listen to the ripping of Velcro every eight seconds.

3. The holepunch: Some friends of mine once spent an entire class period in high school punching holes in paper, collecting the little circles, then dumping them inside another friend's car until her front seat was nearly filled. All of which is a long way of saying that hole punchers are nothing but trouble.

2. Tie -- The protractor and the compass: These help kids learn to draw circles or measure shapes or something. But when was the last time one of your co-workers turned to you and said, "Oh, man. I'm in a huge bind. Do you have a protractor on you?"

1. Reinforcements: The twisted cousin of the holepunch, reinforcements were those white sticky circles we used to protect our fragile papers from those perilous rings in our binders. They were useless then, they're useless now. And I kind of love them for that.

Babble Talk: Worst Toy Makeovers

Jen Chaney — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:28:00 GMT

I've gotten a bit negligent in my RetroFitted posts. So I was happy to see Jeanne Sager pick up the slack with this fun Babble List on the Top 20 Worst Toy Makeovers. She mentions a lot of prime offenders. But here are the five that stick most uncomfortably in my toy-lovin' craw.

The Monopoly Makeovers: Sure, I have a version of this classic game that's based on the university I attended. (William & Mary-opoly, I have played you exactly 1.5 times.) Who doesn't? But all these other varieties, including the "American Idol" edition -- I'm with Jeanne, Simon Cowell and buying property on Boardwalk do not mix -- only serve to dilute the brand.

Etch-a-Sketch: This is very simple. Etch-A-Sketch should be red, rectangular and allow its knob spinners to draw nothing but black lines. No color imagery. No elaborate Dora the Explorer decorations. If I want a fancy pants Etch--A-Sketch, I'll buy the original and BeDazzle it, okay?

Lincoln Logs: Build a house with the new version of this nostalgic favorite and you can bet the Big Bad Wolf could blow it down with just a huff, let alone a puff. These logs don't look rustic, they look like they came from a poor man's Pottery Barn.

Holly Hobbie: As Rachael pointed out not too long ago, Holly is supposed to be a Calico-wearing pioneer girl. Holly Hobbie 2008, who is technically some sort of younger relative of the original, is a generic looking preteen who apparently borrowed Fred "Rerun" Berry's hat.

My Little Pony: Rachael and Jeanne also both cited the Struts -- which honestly resemble My Little Ponies in S&M gear -- as appalling toy remakes. And again, I agree. Yes, the updated toys are horses. But they're horses who look like little hos.

RetroFitted: Can Space Invaders Stage a Comeback?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Before there was Super Mario or The Sims -- hell, before there was even Pac-Man -- there was Space Invaders, the 1978 video game that gave us all the ability to shoot freaky buggers from outer space while sitting in the comfort of our own living rooms. It was so popular, even the British fell in love with it (by the way, I love that Super Breakout is characterized as "educational" in this commercial):

Like all wonderful things from the '70s and '80s, Space Invaders is getting revamped for this millennium. Specifically, the game was re-released last month as Space Invaders Extreme. "Extreme" -- that makes it sound so daring, so high-octane, so Vans Warped Tour, doesn't it?

Turns out all that means is that the basic Invaders concept has gotten a little flashier: cooler lasers, room for multiple players, etc. So far, several reviewers -- including Clive Thompson at Wired -- have lavished high praise on the new version, which is available on the Nintendo DS and PSP. (Why not for the Wii? Why????)

The reason for the accolades: Space Invaders Extreme stays true to its original concept and doesn't try to get too elaborate. Here's my feeling about video games: For the most part, I should be able to understand the premise in a sentence. Pac-Man: You eat pellets and run away from monsters. Cool. Space Invaders: You shoot at aliens, who keep coming at you faster and faster, so you keep shooting. Excellent. I get that. It's games that go like this -- "Well, first you have to capture the golden orb, which gives you extra lifelines, at which point you advance to Level Supremus, then you try to capture the super-secret sword" -- that lose me. I don't have time for that. Just let me take 10 minutes after dinnertime and before bed to shoot a few extra-terrestrials and then I'll take the check, thanks.

Long story short, Space Invaders worked in 1978 because its premise was fun, compelling and classic. It will work in 2008 for those same reasons. Now, for the love of God, just make it for the Wii.

RetroFitted appears every Thursday on Strollerderby.

RetroFitted: Another Outbreak of Pac-Man Fever?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 14:58:00 GMT

In the early '80s, an epidemic swept through this nation, infecting millions. They called this affliction Pac-Man Fever. And it drove unsuspecting Americans out of their minds.

The wildly popular video game was inescapable shortly after it was released in 1980. It dominated arcades, then spawned various handheld, tabletop and cartridge versions. And there was all the other Pac-Man merchandise: T-shirts, a Saturday morning cartoon show, Buckner and Garcia's aforementioned hit song, "Pac-Man Fever," and even the breakfast cereal advertised in this stellar commercial:

While the mania subsisded, Pac-Man never went away. The game continues to get re-released and that little yellow chomper remains a recognizable icon. Which is why one movie studio probably thinks it's very smart to turn Pac-Man into a major motion picture.

And that might be the dumbest idea since that time when I briefly contemplated writing a novel based on the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Seriously, even if today's kids and hardcore gamers remain intrigued by Pac-Man and his old lady, Ms. Pac-Man, it's hard to imagine that they'd pay to see a movie about them. Even harder to imagine: What that movie would be about.

I mean, I saw the holiday special "Christmas Comes to Pac-Land." Trust me, there isn't much material to mine there.

As a game, Pac-Man remains a classic because of its simplicity: Everyone intuitively understands the concept of munching on dots and avoiding Inky, Blinky and Clyde. But trying to elevate the video game into something more than it is? That's a bad RetroFit.

RetroFitted appears every Thursday morning on Strollerderby.

RetroFitted: Papa Smurf, Can You Hear Me?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:28:00 GMT

It was virtually impossible to escape from childhood in the 1980s without owning at least one Smurf-related product. The Smurfs were EVERYWHERE.

Although Papa Smurf and his posse of blue gnomes were first born in a Belgian comic strip back in the 1950s, they reached the zenith of their powers in the 1980s, when an NBC cartoon series and a never-ending parade of figurines, plush toys and other merchandise made them the most ubiquitous tiny creatures since the Munchkins. Despite the fact that they used the word "smurf" so frequently that you kinda wanted to smurf every last one of them where the smurf doesn't smurf, these diminutive, super-happy characters were enormously popular. And apparently Columbia Pictures thinks they can be again.

Earlier this week, the studio announced plans to make a new movie based on the Smurfs that will mix CGI animation and live action. Columbia execs are reportedly negotiating with the writing team behind the "Shrek" sequels to pen the screenplay. (Even though it hasn't been written yet, I bet you 10 gazillion dollars that the screenplay will include multiple uses of the word "smurfy.")

I would say this idea reeks of potential failure. But last year's "Alvin and the Chipmunks" made more than $200 million at the box office. So clearly there is a market for outdated cartoon characters with funny voices.

Also, the Smurfs are celebrating their 50th anniversary this year, and DVDs of those old '80s cartoons have recently been released. So maybe Columbia is assuming that today's young pop-culture consumers will have acquainted themselves with Smurfette, Gargamel and the gang before the movie hits theaters.

Still, it's hard for me to imagine the Smurfs -- who strike me as such an '80s phenomenon -- ruling the world again. Back then, as this demonstration of the Smurfs Colecovision video game suggests, Smurfs were, well, the Smurf. But even though the Smurfs still have a few fans, it seems like today's sophisticated kids would take one look at Brainy Smurf and decide he represents nothing more than a big old pile of Smurf.

RetroFitted appears every Thursday on Strollerderby.

Image: Cartuneman.com

RetroFitted: Glamour Gals Were, Like, Way Better Than Bratz

Jen Chaney — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:03:00 GMT

All the attention on the epic battle between Bratz and Barbie got me thinking about some dolls -- stylish action figures, really -- I loved as a kid: Glamour Gals.

Four-inch-tall ladies who tooled around town in Firebirds, wore sparkly outfits and had names like Loni and Jessie, the Glamour Gals were similar to Bratz except: a. not as slutty; b. they appeared to have much less collagen in their lips; and c. their heads were not 85 times larger than their bodies. Best of all, they could be carted around in a sweet carrying case, as demonstrated by this commercial:

My favorite part of that commercial, by the way: The impressionable little girl urging Shara to "buy something pretty." Yeah, the Glamour Gals really made young females dream big.

The GG line didn't last long; Kenner sold them for a couple of years in the '80s, then sent them off to the Glamour Graveyard. Personally, I'd like to see them come back as an alternative to Bratz, if only because they're a little more, well, elegant. (If Carrie Bradshaw had been a tad younger, she totally would have played with Glamour Gals.)

But given the somewhat sexist subtext behind the dolls, they'd need to be smartened up to make them truly appropriate for girls circa 2008. Maybe call them Glamour Gals with Grad Degrees? Or make them environmentally-conscious Green Gals, who drive hybrid vehicles instead of Firebird? Hmmm ... I might be on to something there.

Image: Bigredtoybox.com

RetroFitted appears every Thursday on Strollerderby.

RetroFitted: Shine On, You Crazy Lite-Brite

Jen Chaney — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Lite-Brite: It's not just the backdrop for "Larry King Live."

The toy -- which lets kids create cool, funky glowing pictures with multi-colored pegs -- was always genius in its simplicity. All kids like to make pictures. All kids like things that glow. Put the two concepts together and you've got something truly groovy, as this retro commercial reminds us:

You might assume that no 2008 kid would possibly care about a toy that lets him create psychedelic images of Bozo the Clown. And you'd be right, which is why Hasbro continues to keep Lite-Brite fresh. The 'ol L-B is now available in three versions: A portable flat-screen model; the Lite-Brite Cube, which lets more than one child make things with light at the same time; and the freaky-deaky Flash Art Neon Paint Spinner, otherwise known as That Toy That College Kids Will Also Buy So They Can Stare At It After Watching "Harold and Kumar."

Yes, at age 41, the Lite-Brite still continues to appeal to kids of all ages. Want further proof? Just click on this link and prepare to watch your Memorial Day weekend slip away while you attempt to craft a Lite-Brite self-portrait.

RetroFitted appears on Strollerderby every Thursday morning.

RetroFitted: In Praise of Simon

Jen Chaney — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:02:00 GMT

The electronic memory game Simon was unveiled in 1978 at Studio 54. And after a long night of boozing and doing hardcore drugs with its pal Speak & Spell, the primary-colored toy sobered up and got down to the business of becoming one of the most coveted kid items of the late '70s and early '80s.

Based on the classic children's game Simon Says, the objective of Simon was straight-forward: Remember an increasingly complicated pattern of flashling lights and hit the correct buttons to replicate it. Simon challenged but didn't require much explanation. Its clunky yet futuristic design looked like something straight out of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," which made it that much more awesome. And parents liked it because it appeared to strengthen kids' ability to memorize, which, as we all know, is the cornerstone of getting a solid education. Simon also had an uncanny ability to suck up a lot of kid hours, another reason moms and dads may have secretly been psyched when one of us wanted to play with it.

You might think Simon just faded away, another casualty of its time, like Pong and Intellivision. Not so. Hasbro still makes a few versions of the game, including a handheld take on the original and a more challenging version called Simon Trickster. I have to say, I don't like the design of the new incarnations as much -- the colors and the fonts don't convey the seriousness that Simon requires.

Look again at the original, pictured above. Doesn't the black background, orb-like shape and protruding set of switches look intimidating? The whole thing screams: "Kids, this ain't no Yahtzee. You gotta concentrate when you play this mutha." If the 1978 Simon could talk, I think it would sound a lot like HAL from "2001: A Space Odyssey." And that's a machine you don't want to mess with.

Still, as much as I miss the more badass version, I have to give props to Simon for sticking around for 30 years. It's proof that the simplest games very often turn out to be the most lasting. And here's proof that Simon can still suck up lots of your valuable time: Play it online here, if you dare.

Photo: Vidgame.net

RetroFitted appears every Thursday morning on Strollerderby.

RetroFitted: Should Number 5 Be Alive Again?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:03:00 GMT

Get Ally Sheedy into make-up and fire up some El Debarge: A remake of the 1986 family-friendly movie "Short Circuit" is currently in development.

If the memory is a little fuzzy, the original "Circuit" was a comedy about a military robot named Number 5 who gets struck by lightning and becomes pseudo-human. I last saw the movie 22 years ago at a shopping mall movie theater in Rockville, Md. Here is what I remember about it: A. the aforementioned El Debarge theme song, "Who's Johnny," and B. the fact that at a time when hormonal changes and the fumes from excessive hair mousse undoubtedly impacted my capacity for rational thought, I still felt sorry for Ally Sheedy for starring in what was clearly a major step down from "St. Elmo's Fire."

Still, "Short Circuit" generated enough revenue to merit a sequel, the creatively titled "Short Circuit 2," which came out in 1988 and had something to do with Number 5 going to New York or some crap like that. To be honest, I was too busy "Doin' Da Butt" at that time to pay close attention. The sequel didn't do nearly as well -- this is what happens, ladies and gentlemen, when you don't get Steve Guttenberg to sign on for movie No. 2 -- and that pretty much marked the end of the robot franchise. Until now.

I am of two minds about this remake concept: From an artistic point of view, I think it's a stupid idea because it's an update of a movie that was mediocre at best. It's like going back to a restaurant because the food gave you a stomach ache but didn't make you throw up. I mean, really, why bother?

But from a business point of view, it's actually kinda smart. For starters, if they get past-"Short Circuiter" Fisher Stevens to sign on, they could attract a few of the "Lost" fans, who have recently seen Stevens on the island in the role of George Minkowski. Also, the theme about valuing the human spirit over machinery is still relevant and might make parents, the same ones who saw the original movie two decades ago, feel good about taking their kids to go see it.

And, as many others on the Web have pointed out, Number Five bears a striking resemblance to Wall-E, the robot star of this summer's big Pixar flick. Seriously, tell me these two weren't separated at birth?

Assuming "Wall-E" is a hit -- and odds are, being a Pixar movie, it will be -- young kids will undoubtedly be totally on board to see another robot flick. Yes, their parents might roll their eyes at the blatant attempt to piggyback on the animated movie's success. But children don't care. If they like one robot, they can just as easily like another. And that could mean the updated "Short Circuit" will make a perfect RetroFit.

Now I close by bringing you the fine musical stylings of El Debarge and a music video that can charitably be described as totally cheese-tastic. Enjoy.

RetroFitted appears on Strollerderby every Thursday morning.

RetroFitted: Why Legos Will Never Go Out of Style

Jen Chaney — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Legos don't seem like a retro toy. That's what makes them so brilliant.

Earlier this year, those ubiquitous, plastic bricks celebrated the 50th anniversary of being patented. In the 1960s, the Lego as we currently know it became a regular fixture in every American kid's toy box and has pretty much stayed there ever since. Although the company dealt with some major financial trouble just a few years ago, it managed to overcome that and bounce back strong.

Part of the toy's appeal lies in its simplicity. The fact that you can snap those pieces together, then use your imagination and a little manual dexterity to build bigger, better things is a timeless, universally appealing concept. But the folks at Lego have been smart in other ways.

Lego has kept the brand current by associating with pop culture phenomena like "Star Wars" and Batman. At a time when traditional toys face increasing competition from high-tech products, Lego has taken a beat'-em-and-join-'em approach, putting its name on video games like the successful "Lego Star Wars" and "Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures," coming out this summer after the next Indy movie hits the big screen.

The company also tries to engage its most devoted followers, giving them theme parks, like Legoland, and groups like the FIRST Lego League, which is participating this week in an Atlanta festival in which 800 middle-schoolers from around the world will attempt to create a Lego Robot. (Yeah, it's nerdy. But admit it: You also kinda want to see what a Lego Robot looks like.)

Legos also have maintained a hipness factor that few toys have been able to replicate. I mean, the White Stripes and Michel Gondry made a famous music video based on Legos. You can't say that about Tinker Toys or Lincoln Logs.

Of course, there's always room for improvement. The company acknowledges, for example, that it needs to do a better job of appealing to girls. But there is no question that Legos don't have to worry about RetroFitting into today's culture. They've always been there and, if the plastic bricks that build the future interlock just so, they always will be.

Photo: w3.com

RetroFitted appears on Strollerderby every Thursday morning.

RetroFitted: Why Clackers Don't Belong in 2008

Jen Chaney — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 15:32:00 GMT

I don't know who invented Clackers, the toy that consisted of two plastic balls on a string that smashed together with great force. But whoever did surely must have had this thought: "You know, I think kids today need another way to potentially injure themselves. I know, I'll develop a toy that can put their eyes out and/or cause a concussion!"

If you grew up in the early '70s, you probably remember this plaything, also know by such alternate names as Click Clacks, Knockers and Wackers. Please note that every one of these names implies danger, bruising and bodily harm. And yet tons of kids spent hours with Clackers and their ilk.

Can you even imagine giving one of these to your children today? This baby would be recalled within milliseconds of touching down on a Toys R Us shelf. But back in 1970, our moms and dads handed them to us and said, "Here, go flail around wildy with this wooden object with the two swinging objects on it that could potentially shatter. Do that for a few hours then, assuming you haven't rendered yourself blind and can still find your way back to the kitchen, come find me and we'll have a snack."

Actually, the balls really did shatter and cause some eye injuries, prompting Clackers to be pulled from the market. This Wiki entry says they briefly made a comeback when an allegedly safer version was released in the 1990s, but I honestly don't remember this. I was very busy at the time, deluding myself into believing the Spin Doctors were cool.

Now, I'm a sucker for nostalgia. So much so that I'm already wistful about that sentence I just wrote two seconds ago. (Man, those really were the days.) But in this week's RetroFitted judgment, I have to say that I think it's better if Clackers remain a thing of the past. There are already plenty of ways for my kid to get a bump on the noggin without adding one more to the mix.

RetroFitted appears on Strollerderby every Thursday morning.

Photo: Vermontcountrystore.com

RetroFitted: Does Anyone Still Care About Garfield?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Welcome to RetroFitted, a new feature that focuses on pop culture phenomena from the '70s, '80s and '90s, and assesses whether they still resonate with today's kids.

First up: "Garfield."

The comic strip about an overweight cat and his dork of an owner made its debut in 1978. In the early 1980s -- when "Garfield" creator Jim Davis founded the company Paws Inc., effectively launching the "Garfield" brand -- Jon Arbuckle's best friend transformed from mere cartoon to full-on feline franchise. The cat was everywhere: On the cover of best-selling books, in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, in animated TV specials and stuck to a hell of a lot of back windshields in the form of a stuffed animal with suction cup feet.

I was in elementary school when Garfield first got hot. I adored him, and I have the plush Pookie and an original copy of "Garfield Weighs In" to prove it. My friends and I traded stickers with Garfield and Odie on them. We lovingly referred to that sarcastic puss as "Garry." We thought every one of his lasagna jokes was freakin' high-larious.

As the '80s wore on, I, like many of my peers, grew up and realized that "Garfield" wasn't high-larious. He was actually repetitive, corny and kind of dull. While the comic and its numerous related products were still prominent on the cultural scene, the trend seemed to have passed its prime.

Yet here we are, 30 years later, and "Garfield" is not only still around -- the comic holds the Guiness World Record as most syndicated strip -- its popularity, or at least profitability, is still strong. In 2004, "Garfield: The Movie" (I can't say this too many times: Shame on you, Bill Murray) came to theaters and earned almost $200 million worldwide. A 2006 sequel, "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties," brought in $141 million worldwide; last year a direct-to-DVD movie, "Garfield Gets Real," was released. The cat has inspired multiple video games. A new "Garfield" TV show is poised to launch in France. And so help me, sweet Mother of Mothers, there is actually an annual convention called the Garfield Gathering, where collectors get together each year in search of obscure Nermal-related items they don't already own.

According to this Slate story from 2004, the "Garfield" corporate machine generates between $750 million and $1 billion each year. In other words, someone is still buying this stuff and it's fair to assume that at least some of them are parents with tabby cat-obsessed kids. "Garfield" does still resonate and there is one simple reason: Because new children are born every day. And some of those new children will eventually go through a stage where they, too, think lasagna jokes are terribly witty. Like Slate suggests, Garfield continues to stick around because he keeps on doing the same old crap.

With one exception: In what might be the best thing to happen to "Garfield" ever, a repurposed version of the strip has recently developed its own following on the Internet. It's called "Garfield Minus Garfield," and it's exactly what it sounds like: The daily strip, but with the familiar feline removed from every panel. It's twisted, disturbing and often gutbustingly funny, finally making Davis's comic appealing to adults. Wow. There really is no stopping that darned cat.

RetroFitted appears on Strollerderby every Thursday morning.

Photo: Ty