Strollerderby : West Virginia

Lawmaker Wants Barbie Outlawed

Madeline Holler — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:29:00 GMT

A West Virginia lawmaker's heart might be in the right place. But his head? It's clearly in a different part of his body. State delegate Jeff Eldridge, a Democrat (or commie?), wants to ban Barbie and other 36-24-36 ilk from store shelves around the state.

This leads me to ask many questions, starting with:

Has this guy ever heard of the Internet? Because it turns out you can buy stuff online. And won't a ban actually boost sales of the 50-year-old doll whose popularity is most certainly on the wane?

Eldridge wants to rid his state of toys that place too much emphasis on a girl's physical beauty, at the expense of emotional and intellectual development.

From MSNBC:

"I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you're beautiful, you're beautiful and you don't have to be smart," Eldridge told West Virginia news station WOWK.

Is he calling Barbie stupid?

While he's at it, then, he might want to do something about cheerleading, toddler beauty pageants and all things Miley Cyrus if trading in looks and glamour for self-confidence and smarts are his goals.

The lawmaker said he has little hope of actually getting his bill passed, but let's say Barbie is outlawed. What about ... D'Arbie, Barbie's possible long-lost twin? What about the MILF next door? Will she have to move too? Enforcement, sir, enforcement!

Barbie Gets Inked

Photo: MSNBC.com

Walkie-Talkie Teaches 3-Year-Old About Drugs and Sex

Jen Chaney — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Deborah Pancaro's three-year-old son recently heard some weird stuff on his toy walkie-talkie. First he heard some guys saying "10-4." Then he picked up some chatter about marijuana and plans to visit a strip club.

“They said we should go smoke some weed, and were talking about being in a strip bar, some really explicit things,” Pancaro told the Associated Press.

Turns out the Diego walkie-talkie the West Virginia mom bought at Wal-Mart was intercepting -- you guessed it -- truckers talking via CB radio. (Either that, or it was picking up dialogue from "Pineapple Express.") Pancaro sent a letter to Fisher-Price, manufacturer of the product, asking them to either recall it or fix the toy so it won't be so sensitive to interference. A spokeswoman for Fisher-Price says the company has tried to call Pancaro twice to no avail. Meanwhile, the Wal-Mart Web site says the walkie-talkie has been discontinued. No word on whether the boy has developed a sudden interesting in visiting a place called The Bada Bing.

Neither Diego nor his cousin, Dora the Explorer, had any comment on the matter. When approached by a reporter, Baby Jaguar said he didn't have time to talk because he was really busy trying to score some weed.

(Kidding! Kidding!)

Girl Stung by Scorpion at Wal-Mart

Jen Chaney — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:05:00 GMT

If you needed another reason not to go to Wal-Mart, here's a good one: It's possible you could be stung by a scorpion while shopping there.

Over the weekend, a 12-year-old girl picking out watermelons at a West Virginia Wal-Mart was, yes, stung by an inch-long creepy critter that, apparently, got into the shipment of fruit in Mexico.

When Megan Templeton first told her dad she was the victim of a scorpion sting, he said, "No way. You've seen those Indiana Jones movies too many times."

OK, he didn't say that. But he didn't believe her (and, really, you know that's what he was thinking.) Then he saw the scorpion scurry (ewww) underneath a box, at which time Wal-Mart workers were summoned to capture it. Fortunately, they knew exactly how to subdue the creature, since scorpion capture is covered extensively during Wal-Mart's employee orientation.

Megan went to a hospital as a precaution but is fine. A Wal-Mart official attempted to downplay the incident: "It wasn't really a scorpion. The little girl was just confused. It was actually that annoying happy face who bounds around our store knocking down prices with wild abandon."

OK, the Wal-Mart official didn't say that. But you know he considered it. What Richard Coyle, senior director of international affairs for Wal-Mart, actually said is that this is a very rare incident and seems to have affected just this one shipment of watermelons.

Which is probably true. But I'm not taking any chances. If I want Scorpions, I'll stay at home and listen to "Rock You Like a Hurricane."

Photo: eFluxMedia

Does Your Child Look 'Inbred'?

Madeline Holler — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 21:23:00 GMT

It's the choice no aspiring stage mom ever wants to make: whether to audition her child for a role that calls for ugly. Or "inbred"-looking. Same difference, right?

But it's the choice starstruck moms across West Virginia are having to make, thanks to on-location filming of an upcoming Julianne Moore movie. These mothers are putting away washboards and setting aside the chicken scratch to stare long and hard at their offspring's misshapen heads and the tangeled branches of the Jones family tree, or so a Pittsburgh casting agency hopes.

The call to audition for extras with an "inbred" look has set off a firestorm (probably started by uptight neighbors, the ones with the pretty kids). Historians, area leaders and people who bristle at stereotypes in general condemned statements by the Pittsburgh casting director. She botched it when she tried to clarify what was meant by "regular looking people," who had been told not to show up.

From Pittsburgh Live:

"It's the way it was described in the script," Belajac [of the casting agency] said Monday. "Some of these 'holler' people -- because they are insular and clannish, and they don't leave their area -- there is literally inbreeding, and the people there often have a different kind of look. That's what we're trying to get."

The actual ad wanted people who are Extraordinarily tall or short. Unusual body shapes, even physical abnormalities as long as there is normal mobility. Unusual facial features, especially eyes."

Also ..."a 9-12-year-old Caucasian girl with an other-worldly look to her. Could be an albino or something along those lines -- she's someone who is visually different and therefore has a closer contact to the gods and to magic. 'Regular-looking' children should not attend this open call.'"

Asked if she felt the characterization might be offensive to West Virginians, Belajac said: "We tried to word it in a way that's not offensive. I hope it's not an offensive thing. It's not meant to be a generalization about everyone in West Virginia. That's why we put that it's in a 'holler' in the mountains."

So she only mean to offend the mountain people of West Virginia (who are too inbred to care, I'm guessing). The casting director has been fired.

And with that, let's get back to the mom who can now see her son's buck teeth as an asset, his floppy ears as nothing short of "otherworldly" -- a ticket to Hollywood, fame and fortune.

How do you break it to your kid that she's so ugly you'd like her to try out for this film? Oh, and I wonder what Jennifer Garner, West Virginia native, thinks about all this.

Boys Steal Mercury, Contaminate Town

Stefania Pomponi Butler (CityMama) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 12:30:00 GMT

A West Virginia town has been contaminated and over 200 of its residents are being screened for mercury exposure because of the actions of some elementary school pranksters.

A group of 10-year-old boys stole about 4 pounds of mercury from an unlocked dentist's office and basically painted up the town with it. Yeeehaw! "It's shiny and makes fun shapes when you drop it," said a local doctor, trying to offer up an explanation for why the boys did it. The mayor of the town cut to chase saying, "Boys will be boys."

The little punks were busted shortly after one of them tried to trade his mercury for a pair of sneakers. Five of the boys who handled the poisonous substance showed high levels of exposure, but none suffered serious health risks. Until they got home, that is.

Dance Dance Revolution! West Virginia Puts Dance Game in All Public Schools

MetroDad — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 18:32:00 GMT

For many years, my wife and I have considered ourselves to be karaoke rock stars. Pre-child, we'd often be sitting on the couch on a random Friday night and suddenly spontaneously decide that we needed to do some singing. The two of us would head up to NYC's Koreatown, get a private room, and belt out songs to one another. Many times, we'd leave the karaoke room only to be greeted by the sun rising over the East River.

About 5-6 years ago, we noticed that the young kids weren't into karaoke anymore. They were into Dance Dance Revolution, a video arcade game played on a metal dance pad with four arrow panels. These panels are pressed using the player's feet, in response to arrows that appear on the screen. The arrows are synchronized to the general rhythm or beat of a chosen song, and success is dependent on the player's ability to time and position his or her steps accordingly.

The wife and I used to cruise around the arcade rooms in Los Angeles just to watch these kids drop their amazing moves, popping and locking to the rhythms of the music. Since we were too old to publicly dance in front of a bunch of teenagers, we ended up getting a home version for the Sony PlayStation. We'd lay the gaming mat on the living room floor and, after 15 minutes, would be sweating in a total lather!

Apparently, educators around the country have realized the aerobic benefits of the game and are using it to motivate today's increasingly obese youth to get in shape. This week, West Virginia (which has the worst childhood obesity problem in the United States) announced that they are planning on putting the video game in EVERY one of its public schools. Early research in the state indicates that it has already put a halt to the rising weight gain!

Personally, I've always believed that schools don't spend enough time teaching kids what they really need to learn. But maybe the kids aren't that motivated because they're just biding time in class until they can get their grubby hands on a Snickers bar. While West Virginia ignores the fact that their students are some of the most poorly educated in the nation, I guess the least they can do is ensure that their children become healthier.

Whatever.

All I know is that when the schools start putting Galaga in the curriculum, I'll really be fucking psyched!