Strollerderby : '80s

Show Your Kids What Christmas Was Like in the '80s

Jen Chaney — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:03:00 GMT

Know how you're always telling your kids that they don't know what it was like when you were growing up? Well, here's one way to show them: spend some time with "A Beta Max Xmas," a fantastic holiday-themed Web site that loads massive amounts of '80s Christmas programming into a super-old school television screen.

That's right, you can delve into such gems as the "He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special," commercials for Toys R Us (starring Geoffrey Giraffe!) and a music video of Billy Squier rocking out to "Christmas Is a Time to Say I Love You" alongside MTV VJs Martha Quinn and Mark Goodman. A TV Guide -- featuring the cast of "Diff'rent Strokes," natch -- and a remote control also appear on the page for those who want to peruse their viewing options.

I have already sacrificed a solid chunk of time to this site and still can't contain my admiration for its sheer awesomeness. Serious kudos to Jeffrey Bennett, a San Francisco digital designer who created this work of Internet genius.

So click, enjoy, share the retro joy with your kids (who will be appalled after about five seconds at how lame the '80s were) and prepare to watch hours of your life get sucked away into a delicious World Wide Web vortex.

The Breakfast Club Would So Not Shop at JCPenney

Jen Chaney — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:32:00 GMT

I have a question for the marketing team at JCPenney: Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe? Or, to put it another way, do you know how offensive it is that you are completely ripping off "The Breakfast Club" in your latest back-to-school ad campaign?

I'm all for younger generations appreciating the masterful work of Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez and co. Truly. Everyone should be exposed to Anthony Michael Hall's "Chicks can not hold they smoke" speech, or the elegant way Ally Sheedy flings a piece of bologna in the air. But there's a difference between that and outright co-opting the quintessential Gen X movie so you can sell some crappy American Living sweatshirts. The fact that one of the undernourished teen girls in this commercial is wearing a Nirvana T-shirt just adds further insult to injury. (See video of the debacle at the bottom of this post.)

For those of us who came of age in the mid-'80s, when "TBC" made its debut, this movie wasn't merely well-regarded or popular. It was important. It gave voice to our adolescent insecurities. It reflected the way we spoke. It acknowledged that Simple Minds was freaking awesome. And when Judd Nelson pumped his fist in that final freeze frame, it felt like a vaguely subversive triumph over The Man. You know, as much as one can triumph over The Man in a movie distributed by Universal Studios, which, as we all know, is closely affiliated with The Man.

Some things are sacred and should not be borrowed for the sake of advertising, especially for a second-rate department store. "The Breakfast Club" is one of those things.

For committing this offense, I hereby give JCPenney a full Saturday of detention. You must write an essay, of no less than a thousand words, describing to me who you think you are. And when I say essay, I mean essay. I don't mean a thousand words repeated.

Hopefully you'll learn a little something about yourself. But more than anything, I hope you learn that it is completely uncool to mess with the John Hughes canon. Your commercial claims that "every day matters." Well, this movie matters even more.

Sincerely yours,

Jen Chaney, the Breakfast Club and that dude who played Carl the janitor

RetroFitted: Can Space Invaders Stage a Comeback?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Before there was Super Mario or The Sims -- hell, before there was even Pac-Man -- there was Space Invaders, the 1978 video game that gave us all the ability to shoot freaky buggers from outer space while sitting in the comfort of our own living rooms. It was so popular, even the British fell in love with it (by the way, I love that Super Breakout is characterized as "educational" in this commercial):

Like all wonderful things from the '70s and '80s, Space Invaders is getting revamped for this millennium. Specifically, the game was re-released last month as Space Invaders Extreme. "Extreme" -- that makes it sound so daring, so high-octane, so Vans Warped Tour, doesn't it?

Turns out all that means is that the basic Invaders concept has gotten a little flashier: cooler lasers, room for multiple players, etc. So far, several reviewers -- including Clive Thompson at Wired -- have lavished high praise on the new version, which is available on the Nintendo DS and PSP. (Why not for the Wii? Why????)

The reason for the accolades: Space Invaders Extreme stays true to its original concept and doesn't try to get too elaborate. Here's my feeling about video games: For the most part, I should be able to understand the premise in a sentence. Pac-Man: You eat pellets and run away from monsters. Cool. Space Invaders: You shoot at aliens, who keep coming at you faster and faster, so you keep shooting. Excellent. I get that. It's games that go like this -- "Well, first you have to capture the golden orb, which gives you extra lifelines, at which point you advance to Level Supremus, then you try to capture the super-secret sword" -- that lose me. I don't have time for that. Just let me take 10 minutes after dinnertime and before bed to shoot a few extra-terrestrials and then I'll take the check, thanks.

Long story short, Space Invaders worked in 1978 because its premise was fun, compelling and classic. It will work in 2008 for those same reasons. Now, for the love of God, just make it for the Wii.

RetroFitted appears every Thursday on Strollerderby.

RetroFitted: Another Outbreak of Pac-Man Fever?

Jen Chaney — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 14:58:00 GMT

In the early '80s, an epidemic swept through this nation, infecting millions. They called this affliction Pac-Man Fever. And it drove unsuspecting Americans out of their minds.

The wildly popular video game was inescapable shortly after it was released in 1980. It dominated arcades, then spawned various handheld, tabletop and cartridge versions. And there was all the other Pac-Man merchandise: T-shirts, a Saturday morning cartoon show, Buckner and Garcia's aforementioned hit song, "Pac-Man Fever," and even the breakfast cereal advertised in this stellar commercial:

While the mania subsisded, Pac-Man never went away. The game continues to get re-released and that little yellow chomper remains a recognizable icon. Which is why one movie studio probably thinks it's very smart to turn Pac-Man into a major motion picture.

And that might be the dumbest idea since that time when I briefly contemplated writing a novel based on the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Seriously, even if today's kids and hardcore gamers remain intrigued by Pac-Man and his old lady, Ms. Pac-Man, it's hard to imagine that they'd pay to see a movie about them. Even harder to imagine: What that movie would be about.

I mean, I saw the holiday special "Christmas Comes to Pac-Land." Trust me, there isn't much material to mine there.

As a game, Pac-Man remains a classic because of its simplicity: Everyone intuitively understands the concept of munching on dots and avoiding Inky, Blinky and Clyde. But trying to elevate the video game into something more than it is? That's a bad RetroFit.

RetroFitted appears every Thursday morning on Strollerderby.

RetroFitted: In Praise of Simon

Jen Chaney — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:02:00 GMT

The electronic memory game Simon was unveiled in 1978 at Studio 54. And after a long night of boozing and doing hardcore drugs with its pal Speak & Spell, the primary-colored toy sobered up and got down to the business of becoming one of the most coveted kid items of the late '70s and early '80s.

Based on the classic children's game Simon Says, the objective of Simon was straight-forward: Remember an increasingly complicated pattern of flashling lights and hit the correct buttons to replicate it. Simon challenged but didn't require much explanation. Its clunky yet futuristic design looked like something straight out of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," which made it that much more awesome. And parents liked it because it appeared to strengthen kids' ability to memorize, which, as we all know, is the cornerstone of getting a solid education. Simon also had an uncanny ability to suck up a lot of kid hours, another reason moms and dads may have secretly been psyched when one of us wanted to play with it.

You might think Simon just faded away, another casualty of its time, like Pong and Intellivision. Not so. Hasbro still makes a few versions of the game, including a handheld take on the original and a more challenging version called Simon Trickster. I have to say, I don't like the design of the new incarnations as much -- the colors and the fonts don't convey the seriousness that Simon requires.

Look again at the original, pictured above. Doesn't the black background, orb-like shape and protruding set of switches look intimidating? The whole thing screams: "Kids, this ain't no Yahtzee. You gotta concentrate when you play this mutha." If the 1978 Simon could talk, I think it would sound a lot like HAL from "2001: A Space Odyssey." And that's a machine you don't want to mess with.

Still, as much as I miss the more badass version, I have to give props to Simon for sticking around for 30 years. It's proof that the simplest games very often turn out to be the most lasting. And here's proof that Simon can still suck up lots of your valuable time: Play it online here, if you dare.

Photo: Vidgame.net

RetroFitted appears every Thursday morning on Strollerderby.

Rich or Rehab: Whatever Happened to the Boy From 'Poltergeist'?

Jen Chaney — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:02:00 GMT

He survived a tree mauling, an attack perpetrated by a psychotic clown doll and the "Poltergeist" curse. I speak of Oliver Robins, the boy who played Robbie Freeling in the 1982 horror movie that successfully made TV snow scary. You probably remember Robins as the kid who beat the living crap out of that aforementioned clown doll, which, as far as I am concerned, is the embodiment of all things sinister. After starring in the original "Poltergeist," he appeared in the sequel, "Poltergeist II: The Other Side." This is what he looked like then:

So what's happened to him since the '80s? For starters, he became the only kid in the fictional Freeling family to live fully into adulthood. Dominique Dunne, who played teenage daughter Dana, was murdered by her ex-lover at the age of 22. And Heather O'Rourke, the same cute little Carol Anne who creepily announced "They're here," died at the age of 12 due to intestinal stenosis. These are just two of the reasons some people seriously believe in that "Poltergeist" Curse.

Robins eventually graduated from USC Film School, and these days he works as a writer-director. So far, his movies have either been for television or gone straight to DVD. (Perhaps you've seen "Wild Roomies" ... or perhaps not.) Clearly he hasn't made a big splash yet. But he's still standing at age 36. And for a guy who is famous for appearing in a movie that may or may not have a hex on it, that's a major accomplishment. Here is Oliver now (yeah, he's the important-looking director-type guy on the left):

Rich or Rehab appears on Strollerderby every Tuesday morning.

Photos: icommag.com and Jessica Werner via imdb.com