Strollerderby : abusive parents

Should You Intervene When Strangers Hit Their Kids?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:00:00 GMT

The other day while walking in the park, I passed by a disturbing scene. An enraged mother was marching after her daughter, shouting, “You are going to get hit! You are going to get hit!” Her daughter looked about three years-old, and she was bawling. After trying in vain to run away from her mother, the little girl covered her head with her hands as her mother caught up to her and made good on her threat.

The mother’s anger was so violent that, as I walked away from this sad scene, even I felt a little frightened. I could only imagine how the woman's rage had affected her young daughter. As I walked home, I felt completely helpless. I wondered if I had done the right thing to simply walk away. How else, I asked myself, could I have responded? I felt pretty certain that alerting one of the park's police officers wouldn’t have helped; most likely the only outcome would have been to make both the mother and her daughter feel even more freaked out. And telling the mother not to hit her child would have only increased her rage—who was I to tell her how to raise her children?

I thought of a story my mom had told me recently about a friend of hers. While walking in a supermarket, a man had seen a mother forcefully hit her small child, who kept reaching out for food items from her seat in the grocery cart. The man gently approached the mother, and made a sympathetic comment to the effect of, “I know how hard it can be with young children. It feels like they just won’t listen.” As the man spoke about his own difficulties with parenting, the mother started crying. “I know I shouldn’t hit her,” she said, “and I try not to. But it's so hard.” They spoke for a long time about other ways to discipline children. The mother was at her wit’s end, and really needed someone to simply ask if she was okay.

I hope the next time I encounter a child being mistreated, I am brave enough to try out this method of honest engagement. Has anyone ever tried confronting an enraged parent in this, or any other, way?

Photo: Spiritual Reseach Foundation

How to Discipline Your Child -- Finally, Some Answers!

Madeline Holler — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 19:13:00 GMT

When your kids misbehave, are you a ranter or a reasoner?

Genetically, I'm a ranter who, until now, has fought hard to become the calm reasoner. I've tried (unsuccessfully) to recreate myself into the kind of mom who, in the heat of a child's blatant disregard for the sanctity of a peaceful home and/or the delicate nature of my own sensitive nerves, could quietly make "I" statements, talk about feeeeeelings and sensibly redirect the defiant child into more acceptable actions or self-expression. You know, so my kid could make better judgments, make better choices, change her own behavior without so much damn intervention (and talking and feeling and discussion -- or ranting).

But guess what? Not only are ranters barking up the wrong tree, reasoners aren't getting anywhere either. At least that's what one child behavior expert, Alan E. Kazdin, says. He's summarized his reasoning and strategies over on Slate. I'm going to give it a try. But here's the strategy in a nutshell:

1. Screaming and/or hitting your kids doesn't change behaviors. And it gets them to scream and/or hit when they face conflict with other kids.

2. Reasoning with you child about bad behavior doesn't change that behavior. Though it does give them practice in talking about their feelings with you, meaning they might come to you as they get older with stickier problems they need help on. So, reasoning isn't bad. It just won't change bad behavior.

3. Focusing on bad behavior doesn't change bad behavior.

4. Focusing on GOOD behavior changes BAD behavior.

5. Tell your child how you'd like them to behave in a given situation (fight with sister, upset when Mom says "no") and then practice it in a pretend situation. Praise and reward with love and hugs. Perhaps even reward with small trinkets.

He says it can take two weeks to a month to change a behavior, but that you won't (and shouldn't) be rewarding it forever.

Think you'll give it a try? I'm going to. Jeez, which behavior should I start with?

Photo: Yourparentingsolutions.com

Spanking Leads to Sex Problems

Madeline Holler — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 13:06:00 GMT

A new study claims that children who were spanked may be at a higher risk for sexual problems later in life. Initial findings of the study suggest in addition to being spanked, kids who were slapped or hit, had objects thrown at them are at a greater risk for being coercive with a sexual partner or engage in masochism (or get aroused by spanking).

Yikes! Generations of parents flogging themselves from shame after reading this report.

The good news is, there's not a one-to-one causation. Also, most kids who were spanked escape long-term harm. It's worth bearing in mind that these findings are yet unpublished (and, therefore, unreviewed) and the study was conducted by a guy who has made his name by denouncing spanking and other violence in the home (though the 81-year-old admits he spanked his own kids when they were young).

Another spanking researcher said while these findings are the first to link spanking and sexual problems, the connection may well come down to how the child processes the spanking (or hitting or object throwing).

From USAToday.com

"They may internalize that to mean that in loving relationships sometimes there's pain or physical aggression," she says. Another possible lesson is that "whoever is stronger and has more power can overpower the other person and use physical aggression to control the other person's behavior."

Still, makes you wonder how Strollerderby contributor and Babble essayist Cole is taking this news.

Drunken Mommy Chronicles: The Airplane Edition

Karen Murphy — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 15:54:00 GMT

I guess there's new meaning now to the phrase "The Mile-High Club." Except this club should actually be called the "Mommy Gets Drunk and Beats Her Kids on an Airplane" club. Bet there's not a whole lot of members of that club.

The charter member of this dubious new club is Californian Tamera Freeman, who appeared with her two children aboard a Frontier Airlines San Francisco-Denver flight. Apparently Tamera hung out awhile in the airport bar in San Francisco, or maybe just drank on the plane, because she reportedly threw a drink at the foot of a flight attendant and then pointed her finger, and also yelled at and hit her children during the flight.

When the plane got to Denver the kids were handed over to a relative, and Tamera faces potential felony charges (interfering with a flight crew is apparently worse than beating one's children).

I'm still wondering why more wasn't done about the hitting. Hello? Other passenger-people on the flight? Where were you?