Strollerderby : attachment parenting

Babywearing Moms New Pain in Motrin's Side

JeanneSager — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:33:00 GMT

An ad that debuted on Motrin's Website during International Babywearing Week (which ends tomorrow in case any of you want to make a sling cake and celebrate) has the mom-blogosphere a-buzzing. They're giving me a headache.

Babywearing moms around the nation say the pain reliever is picking on them for choosing perhaps the most "attachment-oriented" of all attachment parenting methods. The ad says wearing your baby seems to be in fashion and "in theory, it's a great idea." It even lists some of the reasons so many moms have run out to buy a carrier or sling, from "going hands-free" to the various places you can prop your papoose (back, side, front . . ).

But the focus of the ad? It's on moms who experience pain while babywearing. ("These things put a ton of strain on your back, your neck, your shoulders. Did I mention your back?!") I know, total shocker coming out of a company that sells . . . wait for it . . .pain relievers. Did you really think they were going to spend money an ad telling you their product isn't necessary?

The moms have been tweeting away on Twitter about the need to boycott Motrin's parent company, Johnson & Johnson. They're using words like "disgusts me," "insulting," and "absolutely infuriating."

I found one sentence of the whole thing a little condescending - "it totally makes me look like an official mom." Being an official mom takes more than a look or a baby sling. But the rest of it? Talking about putting up with the pain because it's a "good kind of pain," and looking "tired and crazy"? That's pretty darn realistic for some moms. Notice I said "some," not all. In fact, a lot of babywearing moms report trial and error before finding a position that worked for mom AND for baby. For some, it just never works - despite multiple attempts, they're not going to find a carrier that makes the baby weigh less or makes the baby less likely to move around and throw them off kilter. I tried two different carriers and never was able to get the hang of it - eventually ending up in physical therapy thanks to the enormous strain put on my back first by my pregnancy and later by carrying my daughter. When the therapist suggested I just "not carry my daughter," I laughed in her face.

What I find condescending are the moms out there who insist that this will scare of would-be babywearers. Motherhood isn't glamorous. And we do sacrifice plenty for our kids (so do dads, by the way, who carry their kids in their arms, in carriers, in slings . . . ). But considering how many of us know childbirth is going to hurt and sign up for the whole she-bang anyway, I think we deserve a little more credit.

Image: Motrin

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Helicopter Parents -- Now With More Spying Capabilities

Madeline Holler — Mon, 05 May 2008 18:36:00 GMT

Ugh! Please don't let me become one of these!

The New York Times ran a story over the weekend about parents who, in short, need some hobbies. Because instead of macrame and collecting antique cookie tins, they're spending their time, energy and money on spying on their kids' every move -- you think I'm saying that metaphorically, I'm not -- at school.

Schools are adopting one of the scads of software programs that allow parents to go online and check out what grade Maddie got on her history test that day. Some programs will send alerts to Mommy's cellphone. One mom prints out her kid's daily grade report -- highlights the shitty grades and lays it all out on Jr.'s desk -- yet, goes ahead and asks him what he got on his test. Isn't that some kind of domestic entrapment?

Oh, come on, you say. They're a great way for parents to keep track of pending and incomplete assignments. True! It's far too much to expect the actual students to learn to manage that -- and to suffer the consequences when they can't. Parents can also log on to see whether a kid was late or absent from class, and get updates on any discipline issues. Those programs build the parent-teacher dream team!

Go ahead and say it -- I'm too old-fashioned. I might as well send my kids to a one-room school house, so resistent am I to adopting these modern, necessary kid spying tools. I shunned the nanny cam as well. We just kind of trusted our babysitters and listened to our kids.

What's your take? Are these programs they key to your child's success, or pretty much a guarantee that the professional workforce 15 years from now is going to be filled with idiot Americans who can't make it to the board meeting without their aging mother's encouragement and/or admonishments?

Make Your Baby Sleep...At Night

Karen Murphy — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 21:31:00 GMT

Finding a baby who sleeps through the night is a lot like looking for the Holy Grail: no one expects you to really find it, and along the way you'll probably be beseiged by killer rabbits. And although I've swung wide swaths of the spectrum between attachment parenting and out-and-out Ferberizing, I've seen the light about the way to get babies to sleep at night, and this list of everything you need to know about getting your baby to sleep at night is it:

Do What You Have To, But Remember Everything Has Its Consequences.

Nursing a baby to sleep works every time, but there will come a day when you'll be reaching for the Baby-Halcion, wishing you had instead done everything in your power to get that baby to fall asleep on its own. I mean, holding a sleeping baby is lovely, but just give me my sleep, thank you. I rue the day I thought my baby needed me sooo much he couldn't be without me for one moment. But hey, if you don't plan on sleeping for the next few years and don't mind lying down with your kid every night to get him to sleep until he moves out of the house, why, go ahead and hold that baby until he falls asleep.

The rest of the list is dead-on, too. Like teaching babies that nighttime is for sleeping and daytime is for play. Sounds obvious, but it also includes exposure to as much natural light as possible in the afternoon, strongly thought to improve sleep. Infant massage can be good, too, as is LOTS of holding and cuddling through the day. Just not at night.

There's also a list of things that don't help. Like starting solids and decreasing daytime naps. Good to know. Had I known that one I could have had fewer Napless Days of Hell. Did I read the wrong books or something? [sigh]

Photo: www.growingkids.co.uk

Pediatrician Poll: Attachment Parenting

editors — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

"I'm not sure what that means. I would hope that all parenting is attached." — Patricia McGuire, MD, FAAP. Cedar Rapids, IA.

"I'm neutral. There is no one parenting strategy that works for everyone." — John W. Waidner, MD, FAAP. Jacksonville, FL.

"I'm neutral, except for sleeping in the same bed, though a co-sleeper is OK." — Robert D. Saken, MD, FAAP. NY, NY.

To obtain these results, Babble randomly called 300 AAP-approved pediatricians in 50 states, then tallied the answers of the 20 who called back. Pediatrician Poll appears in Strollerderby every Friday.

Helicopter Parents Hover Over College "Kids"

Madeline Holler — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 13:11:00 GMT

I am married to a college professor and while you might now be imagining smudged reading glasses, hot tea and sweaters with patched elbows, don’t. Life with an academic involves lots of swearing, boring parties and a glimpse at unbelievable new failures in American education.

All that, and helicopter parenting. You get to see lots of helicopter parenting.

At the end of each semester, minutes after cheaters are busted, grades filed, and GPAs recalculated, the whirling blades descend into our home in the form of late-night emails. Parents write in defending the honorable intentions of Precious and Mr. Man. “She’s a hard worker,” Daddy writes of his plagiarist daughter. “Why the Gestapo tactics?” Or, “He must have misunderstood the directions,” Mommy argues on behalf of her flunking son. “He needs an A in this class!”

“Isn’t there any way they can retake the exam?” these baby-boomer parents demand to know.

It’s not just my husband, either. Anyone who works at a university has a story of an over-involved mother or father (or both). Here’s a report from ABC News about these helicopter moms and dads who – and I don’t want to give away the ending – have no idea that calling the university to complain about salt content in the chicken is, simply put, pathetic.

According to a researcher in the report, at least 60 percent of all college students have what fits the definition of at least one “helicopter parent.” That’s more than half. That makes it the norm.

The researcher breaks down that 60 percent into five neat categories: black hawk (angry, abusive, straight to the president's office); toxic (paranoid, researches child’s friends and roommates on MySpace, 24-hour web cam (!)); safety expert (anxious about school safety, forms emergency plans); consumer advocate (negotiates discounted tuition and fees); traffic and rescue parent (first sign of trouble heads to campus with supplies and tender hugs).

These parents argue that college is an expensive investment, and they have a right to protect it. I would argue they had 18 years to get it right and now it’s time to let Princess make a few phone calls on her own or have a private email account. Seriously, Scooter has got to figure out how to do his own laundry. And I can’t even process the fact that there’s a kid with a web-cam on his computer so mommy can check on him any time she wants. Did she see Sonny Boy nailing that hot chick from Psych? Is she listening to him fart? Reminding him to floss? Coaching him during those special moments with himself?

If you can get through the first video without calling your parents to thank them for nothing – no, really, thanks for leaving me the hell alone in college, Mom and Dad -- then watch the second one. It’s about parents who are firing up the Black Hawk so they can attend career fairs and job interviews, and negotiate starting salaries. Look at those phone boards light up when Bear can’t find coffee filters in the break room!

I know we Gen X/attachment/kid-as-equals/emotional IQ parents will be scrutinized some day for how we handle our kids' transition from childhood to adulthood. But somehow I think we sort of front-loaded our over-involvement by sharing beds, forming co-op preschools, working from home and nursing to the end of time. I think we're getting it out of our system in the early years, hopefully nudging them out of the nest when it's time and letting them figure out the rest.

Just shoot me now if I come even close to exhibiting these helicoptering behaviors. I mean, where will these parents show up next? Med school internships? Real-estate offices? The fertility clinic? When do these “kids” get a chance to try something and fail, and figure out how to pick up the broken pieces without Mother first fetching a pair of safety goggles and work gloves? The first time Junior's dentures go missing at the nursing home?

Image: Duke University magazine

Breastfeeding Sucks in Canada Too!

Madeline Holler — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 18:33:00 GMT

O Canada. I'm confused.

I thought everything was better up there, up north, Canada. What with your clean air and your bacon and your quaint, cooing vowels. You've got all the good bands, all the funny comedians, all those adorably feisty French-speaking separatists.

And Canada, don’t make me bring up healthcare – the envy of North America. Free surgeries! Free consultations! Practically free cholesterol drugs! Can I be you, Canada?

Then I read this, my understandably smug northern neighbor, and I am stunned. Canada, I no idea that you hate breastfeeders too!

Hate, I don’t mean hate (do I?). Fear, loathe, barely tolerate, misunderstand? I don’t know. But you’re sounding an awful lot like the sad lot of us parents down here in the blushing, close-minded, breasts-are-for-waitresses U.S.

See, someone at one of your YMCAs asked a mom to stop nursing poolside. An Edmonton Facebook member lost her account after posting pics of herself breastfeeding. Another mom felt like crap for choosing formula over breastmilk for her child. Worst of all, a Canadian university researcher on mothering says “it takes courage to breastfeed … it can make you quite vulnerable.” In Canada! Women need courage to breastfeed in Canada? That’s so American!

The article touches on other modern mom issues and, let me tell you, I thought I was reading the local paper. Lack of support for your choices. Pressure to go back to work but no help with daycare. Cloth vs. disposable. Attachment vs. cry-it-out. Canada, quit copying!

Listen, I know we in the U.S. push our bad TV and endless wars on you, Canada. But do yourself a favor. Leave the prudishness, the body discomfort, the love-the-breast-hate-the-function contradictions to us. That’s something we Americans do best.

Down With Parenting Philosophies

Kelly Mills — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 17:01:00 GMT

Earlier I posted about my irritation at the attachment parenting folks who like to equate sleeping in separate beds with leaving your infant alone for the dingos to eat. But there's people with agendas in all the camps: the sleep camps, be it Weissbluth or Ferber or whispering to your baby; or the pee pee poo poo camps (potty train at two weeks old!); or the discipline camps, with the counting to three or permissive parenting or whatevah. The truth is that most parents probably do a combination of things on a day-to-day basis, and that's as it should be. We don't get into trouble until we get a real strict parenting philosophy. Or really, until we decide our way is the right way for everybody.

There's probably one or two good tips in each and every parenting school of thought, and so much of what works for a given family is really a combination of the kids, parents, lifestyle, priorities, and circumstances. What I detest is the zealotry, the subtle or overt claims that doing anything but x is really going to screw up the children royally and result in a lifetime of trauma and maladjustment. Most of these things that seem so important in the beginning--how and where the kids sleep, what they eat, whether or not they use a pacifier, and so on--well, in our case they've faded until I can hardly remember what we did when and how hard it was. The parents I respect the most approach everything with a certain flexibility and willingness to try different things. And god help us if we ever get so married to a philosophy that we forget that.

Attachment Parenting Interview: Oh, the Righteousness

Kelly Mills — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 15:14:00 GMT

I don't believe attachment parenting causes children to become weak, dependent little wussies who have to be held by a parent before they can fall asleep in their dorm bed at college. No, I could care less how long anyone co-sleeps or carries junior around in the sling. But you know what I think is occasionally an unfortunate side effect of attachment parenting?

Self-righteousness.

Not all AP folks are judge-y, and in fact, the ones I know are pretty mellow. And there's Ferberizers and whatever-ers who get righteous too. But when I read the interview with Dave Taylor, author of the Attachment Parenting blog, the very first line was "The core philosophy behind AP is that instead of trying to push your children away and make them independent beings as soon as possible, you hold them and nurture them instead." And this certainly isn't the first time I've heard stuff along those lines from the Sears camp and co.

Annoyed now. Okay, now as a non-APer, I do not recall pushing my child away in order to make her independent ASAP. I do remember moving her out of our bed at six months so that I could get some sleep. Also did it so that she could fall asleep without me so that I could go out sometimes in the evenings. In other words, it was more about my independence than hers.

I think people who are into AP should feel as free as possible to do AP stuff without getting slammed with judgment. And I'd really like it if some of the zealots of the movement could chill out on the crib trauma rhetoric. Because we all gotta do what works best for our families. Now put that in your sling and snuggle it.

20 Alternatives to Punishment

Alisyn — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:11:00 GMT

Attachment Parenting (AP) is all the rage when it comes to babies, what with all the slings, breastfeeding-on-demand and co-sleeping going on these days, but it extends far beyond the early years. The backbone of the AP philosophy is mutual respect, and with older kids, that often translates into finding an alternative to punishment - whether that means allowing natural consequences to take their course, offering constructive advice, walking away, or turning potential conflicts into challenges that can be faced together - is a key point in developing mutuality. Not letting the children get away with murder, mind you, but letting go of the authoritarian in us as parents, and embracing the mediator, the peacemaker.

Aletha Solter, founder of the Aware Parenting Institute, internationally recognized expert on non-punitive discipline, has much the same philosophy. The Parenting Pit recently posted 20 alternatives to punishment, most of which are worthy of at least one try.

1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS.
Example: Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.

2. GIVE INFORMATION AND REASONS.
Example: If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only.

3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS.
Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings. Example: If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry or rage.

4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT.
This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child. Example: If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.

5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES.
Redirect your child’s behavior. Example: If you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, don’t just say no. Tell her where she can build one.

For the rest of the list, follow the link.

Babble Talk: Pondering the Zaky

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Wed, 09 May 2007 13:49:00 GMT

Babble reviews many different types of baby products and some (we admit) are a little out there. But the Zaky? The spooky but cuddly bean bag arms that snuggle your baby on your behalf (while presumably you're upstairs in the master suite enjoying a soak in the tub) seems ... different. Weirder than usual and popular among new parents, the Zaky is $50 worth of love substitute and it appears to really work.

Sam Apple's review of Zaky gives positive reviews (if grudging) and is surprised to find that its role in attachment parenting by proxy isn't just a laughing matter.

Toxic World Babies Must Love Tangents

Kelly Mills — Tue, 08 May 2007 15:35:00 GMT

There's no doubt that parenting provides some environmental choices. Do you go the disposable diaper route, or opt for cloth? How about organic baby food? Can you transport your little ones without using tons of fossil fuels? Are there any safe plastics, from baby bottles to pacifiers? So when I sat down to read this article on environmental parenting, I was interested to see what the author recommended.

A little ways into the article, I read this: "Attachment Parenting is a much kindler, gentler alternative to the old 'let them cry it out' school."

Um, okay. So part of raising a "natural" baby is attachment parenting? And what exactly does this have to do with environmentalism? I'll answer my own question with "nothing" unless your crib was made from thousand-year-old rain forest trees and asbestos.

Since the author brought it up, here's my stance: I think attachment parenting is great, as long as the parent or parents are happy with it. I don't think babies who co-sleep are going to develop into whiny, dependent little parasites. However, I also don't believe that babies who sleep in a crib and are sleep-trained are traumatized and full of abandonment issues. Oh, and from where I stood, when I did some sleep training with my daughter, it was the kindler, gentler way to go. Take my word for it. Because of course, one of the little secrets of parenting here is that it's a balance between your child's needs and your own needs.

I think the connection in the article is supposed to be a groovy, get-back-to-nature kind of parenting philosophy that embraces eco-conscious choices. Problem is that when you create a dogma based on unrelated things, you lose some folks. Like me, for example.

One of the things that really irritates me is when some proponents of attachment parenting like the author claim it's the right thing to do because it is practiced all over the world. Yeah, so is child labor. You know, in many parts of the world, people co-sleep because they have a one-room house. But there's this creepy tendency to want to pick and choose which things we're gonna romanticize as "natural" and which we ignore because they don't fit that romantic notion. And by the way, "instinct-driven" my ass. So I guess those of us who didn't go the baby-wearing, co-sleeping route are ignoring our natural instincts. Because no secret primal knowledge convinced me that it was a good thing for me to be pissed off all day long because I was the milk vending machine every fifteen minutes at night.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go recycle something.

Attachment Parenting: Giving Kids a Sense of Security or Entitlement?

Alisyn — Tue, 08 May 2007 13:33:00 GMT

Attachment Parenting is becoming pretty mainstream these days - the slings-wearers, the breast feeders, the co-sleepers: they're everywhere! AP is an idea that is so old, it's new again, and most parents today practice AP in some form or another. Thanks in part to mainstream magazines like Mothering, HipMama and good ol' Dr. Sears, it is now fairly common to breast feed on demand, co-sleep, and wear your baby. These are all positive things. But what happens when attachment parenting lets you down?

BadBadIvy, over at Love Shak, Baby recently posted a rarely-heard take on attachment parenting that I feel like I could have written myself. In her post, How the AP Movement Gave My Daughter a Sense of Entitlement, Ivy explores the idea that perhaps anticipating her daughter's every need, and rarely separating from her until the age of 3, may have contributed to her daughter's evolution into a demanding little diva. Ivy is quick to point out that she doesn't blame AP, so much as she wonders how much attachment parenting, combined with her daughter's innate personality and temperament, played a part in her growing into "the exact definition of diva. She expects things to go her way, and she wants that to happen right now. She also wants to be with me every second of every day."

BadBadIvy has done her research: her older son is a "traditionally" parented kid: bottle fed, slept in a crib from the get-go. Her youngest was breast fed, but left on his own a little more. Both are easy going, mild-tempered kids. Her middle child, her daughter, her AP baby, is the one who needs more - all the time. Ivy wonders, "Was this a result of attachment parenting or was this predetermined personality? I think the diva predisposition was there, but I do think APing her pushed her over the edge of divadom. Children need more independence than the AP way allows for. Attachment parenting can make parents slaves to their children.

My personal experience with AP is similar. I nursed on demand and co-slept with both my kids, but was more "attached" to my older daughter, and she to me. She is a highly sensitive person, and has always been high-needs, literally since the day she came home from the hospital. I often wonder if my drive to parent her in the AP fashion arose from her high-needs personality, or if her personality drove me to find alternative ways of caring for her. Would she be more easy going if today, if I had let her operate a little more independently as a baby/toddler? Would she be less easy going if I'd not tended to what I perceived to be her needs as I had? It's like the chicken and the egg. The younger girl was left to cry a little more, roll around on the floor a little longer, passed off to friends and family a little more freely - and she is a mellower, more even-keeled kid for it.

I really sympathize with BadBadIvy here. I believe in attachment parenting - or rather, my take some/leave some version of it - but I wonder: is there such a thing as being too attached for a kid's own good?

What have your experiences with AP been? What would you do differently? What do you love about it?

[Thanks to The Zero Boss for turning us on to Ivy's post]

The PortaMEe: Baby Carriers Just Got a Whole Lot Crazier

Patti — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 13:00:00 GMT

CleverParents refers to the PortaMEe child carrier as "the Prada of baby carriers", and in the sense that it's twice the price of similar carriers and not even that cute, they're pretty much spot-on. Don't get me wrong: I'm glad that baby carriers are becoming the new stroller, because my own choices back in the day were limited to Bjorn or sling, in Navy, Chambray, or Hand-Woven Guatemalan Hemp. Choices are awesome, as our own Karen discussed recently. But I was also kind of hoping that Gwen Stefani's Gucci frontpack wasn't a sign of anything other than Gwen's special kind of crazy.

The PortaMEe (I hate typing that, but I feel compelled) was designed in response to the nonexistence of baby carriers that worked past the newborn stage, which—can someone please tell the 35-pound four-year-old who rode in my Nojo all over NYC last fall that her whole life is a lie? Anyway, it was designed by someone who'd maybe never run across a sling, a mei tai (mmm...mai tais...) or an Ergo carrier, which is not only half the price of a PortaMEe (I HATE TYPING THAT! MAKE ME STOP!) but can be worn in a variety of positions.

Please note the model to the right, who may or may not be an Oompa Loompa: She sports the PortaMEe (@#%!&!!!) in the only position in which it can be worn. What you can't see is that on the back, there is a fanny pack. They call it a "lumbar support pack", but you know what? This lady's just a pair of socks with sandals away from being mistaken for a German tourist.

I have to hand it to the mamas who are behind this carrier: Jennifer Gilbert and Robin Stein found a niche, and I wish them well as they fill it, because I love to see mamas living the dream. But still, a fanny pack? That's just cold.

Babble Talk: Attachment Parenting Author Thinks We Over-Parent

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 14:06:00 GMT

Katie Allison Granju tackles the thorny issue of attachment parenting this week at Babble with elán and spark. In "The Over-Parenting Crisis" Ms. Granju traces the roots of modern neurotic parenting to the shirt-waist days and mah jong afternoons of Betty Friedan's Feminine Mystique.

She observes astutely that we've merely replaced one type of parenting rulebook (grout-cleaning, shirt-waist wearing) with another (Fit Pregnancy, Parenting Magazine). She thinks (again rightly) that we make parenting so much harder than it has to be.

If even the author of an attachment parenting book thinks we've gone overboard with worrying and micromanaging our kids lives, I think she must be right. Perhaps we should all heed her advice. Take a step back and stop worrying so much about every little thing.

5 Ideals of Attachment Parenting Applied to Marriage

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:20:00 GMT

Attachment parents (APs), those lovely kind souls mean well. They do. But sometimes following the tenets of perfect childrearing can cause irreparable harm to the marriage upon which the children ultimately depend. Marriages struggle after kids, there's no doubt about it. And I think the higher your childrearing standards are, the more pressure is placed on the marriage after kids.

Here are 5 attachment parenting practices and some suggested applications to marriage or partnerships:

1. Respond with Sensitivity. APs are encouraged to respond to the nonverbal cues of infants and young children and to respond with love and gentleness. In marriage, partners worn out from caring for children often forget to follow the same tenets in caring for the marriage.

2. Nurturing Touch. The concept of loving your child with loving touch is an obviously good parenting practice and can mean hugs, kisses, but also handholding and shoulder rubs. The same approach can strengthen the marriage. Friendly touch (the kind that doesn't ask for anything in return) can build a bridge between even the most harried of harried souls. Hand-holding, kissing, and shoulder rubs can work miracles on a stressed out couple.

3. Nighttime Parenting. While I definitely agree that it is important to be responsible to kids (especially infants) and their needs at night, I also think it's crucial to remember that sleep deprivation can cause illness, such as depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure. If you and your spouse never get any sleep, how in the hell can you expect your marriage to flourish?

4. Strive for Balance. Ahhh balance. The catch word and the mythology of it all. I think having children is more about growing accustomed to being unbalanced, than to striving to eat enough carrots and go to yoga. When the parents are in charge, at least the chaos is somewhat ameliorated by some authority. I'm not talking handing out 'whoopins', but surely you've witnessed some of the "discussion" with small children that fail to alter bad behavior? A marriage needs balance, particularly balance between the needs of the children and the needs of adults. While children's needs often come first, Mommy and Daddy need date nights and weekends away to remind themselves why they're doing all of this anyway.

5. Family Bed. In many cases, the family bed causes marriage problems. Once there is more than one kid in the picture, and unless you have a California King, how is one supposed to get rest, or get some? Parents need boudoirs, dammit, or at least an adult space that isn't littered with cheerios and peanut butter smudge and questions about Jesus first thing in the morning. Cuddling time is crucial. But when the kids are old enough to ask why you're "tickling each other" it's time to make other arrangements.

It's OUR Bed, Dammit: Co-Sleeping by Default

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 16:18:00 GMT

When I was a child, we were only allowed to wake the parents in cases of extreme weather, suspected haunting by ghosts, or extreme physical distress. Otherwise, their bedroom was off limits. This rule was instituted following my discovery of the "massager" I'd found in my parent's nightstand. The lock on their door showed up the next day and foiled further attempts to find even greater discoveries.

The Family Bed is as old as oatmeal but has found greater traction among Gen X than the Boomers before them. And it makes me wonder: what the hell are we thinking? I truly understand giving kids comfort and love during the night as well as during the day. And when babies are small and new and hungry, nursing them in bed is convenient and promotes better sleep for mom and baby.

But at what point does it get out of hand?

Alisyn reached her limit when her daughter turned three. The New York Times reports that some parents end up sharing beds with their kids out of desperation and describes a new category of parent with whom I totally sympathize, the "reluctant co-sleeper."

There is apparently now an entire industry devoted to helping families sort through various sleep problems, many of which are outlined in the Times piece. How is it that top attorneys, gallery owners, and CEOs cannot manage the boundaries and structure necessary to get kids back in their own beds?

I think the problem is in the power. Parents who exercise power during the day are most likely so wiped out in the evening or on the weekends that they have insufficient energy to devote to whipping those ankle-biters into shape. And tired parents are understandably more interested in having their kids in bed than in disrupting sleep night after night in order to get the kid back into bed. I could also be that we've become a generation that has completely lost site of the difference between loving our children and LOVING our children. I predict divorce rates will soon be skyrocketing unless we figure out a way to get Billy back into his own goddamn bed!

Babywearing: A Sling Wrap-Up

Karen Murphy — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 14:11:00 GMT

Slings are hip now, no longer hippie. I own, uh, eight of them. But that doesn't make me hip, just obsessed maybe. Anyway, babywearing has a long history. Used for centuries in many countries and cultures, in recent years in Western cultures it was mostly in the purview of those annoying attachment-parenting-practicing parents (Yes! I am one! sort of!) and championed by Drs. William and Martha Sears as a cure-all to practically anything that could possibly ail a baby.

So I get that wearing your baby, carrying it around all day, helps them feel comfortable and nurtured, and gives you time to get stuff done. I get that. The problem is, until fairly recently, babywearing gear was butt-ugly. When my older son was born, being the Good Mommy that I was trying to be, I asked The Ex to bring home a baby carrier. I had in mind something sleek and simple, like a Baby Bjorn. But no. I got a powder-blue Ugly Snugli. Which I could not bear to be seen wearing in private let alone in public, so that child ended up in the stroller. Which he adored.

The next baby got the Baby Bjorn. I knew what I wanted. Before that, I got all teary from reading too many issues of Mothering and bought a New Native Baby Carrier, which was much better-looking, in my mind, than those ginormous padded ring slings (which many mamas swear by! which is wonderful! I just couldn't get past the thing screaming HELLO LOOK AT ME I AM WEARING A BABY AND A LOT OF PADDING at me, plus when I borrowed one and tried vacuuming for 30 minutes with my daughter in it I wished later for a chiropractor, so let's just say it didn't work for me), and I loved how it folded up so small! so handy! so packable! And I used it a lot at the grocery store. But then she got the Bjorn and really found her niche. (I found out later that sling proponents say that the Bjorn-style carriers mess up a baby's hip development, and I have to say I'm a little bothered by the sight of very young infants in one, with their poor little dangly legs and wobbly heads.)

The next and final baby had the advantage of having all the kinks worked out on his siblings. This baby was going to have the best! Plus he was small so the sling thing worked for a long time. Our favorite, from its portability and adjustableness (that is too a word! if I say it is!), was the Maya Wrap Pouch. Similar to the New Native, yet adjustable in length so it fit my son in a variety of situations (coats on, coats off, various wearers, etc.), this one got a lot of use. Another great sling was the Didymos, basically a long length of fabric tied around you and the baby in various configurations to create different wraps for different babies' needs. This one is very comfortable when you're wearing it and holds the baby securely, but there's a huge learning curve in the various ties and wraps and it can be a bit daunting. Plus the Didy is a bit pricey, though there are lots of alternatives. A wonderful and easier-to-learn alternative is the Asian-style carrier, very beautiful and also comfortable, worn front or back. I got a custom Mei Tai from Free Hand Baby that I adored (I told you I was a bit obsessed), and found it easy to tie and comfortable, and my son really liked it.

Daunted by all the choices? The site that helped me the most was Peppermint.com, which has this great guide to choosing the best sling for you. Still don't see anything you like? How about this totally freaking expensive cashmere sling from Oopa Baby?

Tired of Changing Diapers? Try Elimination Communication

Karen Murphy — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 19:14:00 GMT

I admit, when I first heard about Elimination Communication (EC) several years ago, I was skeptical. Really skeptical. Okay, maybe I even said, "Ewww." After all, what was this about? Rushing to hold your infant over a potty, based on intuition and certain cues? I'm a big believer in non-verbal communication, telepathy if you will, and in fact I've communicated with my own children that way when they were pre-verbal, using it for instance to know when they were hungry or thirsty (and don't many parents do that? Think about it; I'm sure you have done this too), but, uh, the peeing and pooping? It's one thing to mistake "I want that block" for "I'm thirsty", but....the pee. And the poop.

But what about the diapers? They're expensive, and lots of people have issues with the bleaches and gels and dyes that kids are wearing next to their kid-bits for longer and longer periods now, judging by the ever-increasing diaper sizes that are now available (soon! In Extra Jumbo Jumbo! New retro designs, great for the dorm!), and aren't we filling up our landfills with these things, each one with a half-life of about 400 years, collectively containing enough ammonia and methane to increase global warming at least ten degrees?

So...should the hipster parent be thinking about having their babies go commando? Apparently, this concept is not new, nor is it confined to super-crunchy AP parents. Parents in many parts of the world who don't have easy access to disposable diapers have been doing this for years. According to this article, "for most [EC parents], it's another way to stay in tune with their babies, just as they pick up cues the child is hungry or tired. They emphasize that it's a process, not a goal of training a child within a certain time frame." Okay, but what about the parents who work outside the home? And what is this about holding a potty under the child while he nurses? And what about the split-crotch ~~panties~~ uh, pants for babies?

If you're interested in this concept, there is a wealth of information available about it, but be aware that the experts advise that there is a "window of opportunity" for beginning EC that only extends to about five or six months of age. After that, it's Huggies all the way. Sorry, Charlie.

The Judgment! The Judgment! Call Me Attachment Parent & Die

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 22:13:00 GMT

As discussed earlier today on Babble there are quite a few people who equate the book "Babywise" with torture, withholding food, and even spanking. Setting limits, it seems, is tantamount to withholding love. Most sentient and sane adults would agree that spanking a chid is not an effective method of teaching discipline. I would heartily agree with the well-articulated argument against such silliness.

But it's the self-righteousness of many advocates for attachment parenting that sticks in my craw. An example: "I nursed my daughter until she was 3.5 and then only stopped because her brother was due for an appearance. Both of them and their older brother I carried around in a sling, slept with, rocked, sang to, stayed up with all night if I had to, and fed when they were hungry."

With all due respect, what is one to make of such statements? I am currently struggling with weaning my twenty-month old. Am I to conclude that by attempting to do this, expressly against her grasping wishes, I'm withholding love? Being a less-than-perfect parent?

I think that is the conclusion implied.

I used "Babywise" with my infant twins. I didn't 'torture' them, I merely tried to cut myself a little slack. If, by waiting two minutes before picking them up, I was encouraging self-soothing, was I Attila the Hun? Was 'parent directed feeding' a rigid torture device? Not at all. What it meant, in my case, was that the twins ate every 2 -3 hours instead of every 15 minutes, once they were three months old.

You know why I boycott La Leche League and shy away from the baby-wearing legions filling local parks? Because of the judgment.

Surprisingly, my Mormon in-laws have never judged me for my choices, it has always been the attachment parenting babes I run into around my hippie town. And I know not everyone who believes in breastfeeding on demand and family beds is judgmental, but I can't take that chance.

Isn't motherhood and life itself hard enough without competing for Most Perfect Holy Organic Mother of the Universe?

Give me a cranky, sassy, strict bedtime mommy any day of the week. At least she accepts me for who I am and sees that my love for my children is deep and constant, even though I let them eat at McDonald's.