Strollerderby : bad parents

Babble Talk: The Cult of the Bad Mother

Shannon LC Cate — Sat, 30 May 2009 14:30:00 GMT

In her controversial Dispatch this week, Katie Allison Granju wonders if it may be time to re-stigmatize certain parenting behavior. She wonders, "if everyone is a "Bad Parent," then where is the line between reasonable and unreasonable maternal imperfection?"

Most interestingly, she challenges the bad parent confessional on class lines: "The mostly-white, mostly-college-educated mothers (like me) who pen "momoirs" about things like letting their third grader navigate public transportation sans adult supervision get appearances on talk shows. However, a poor, minority or immigrant mother who made the same parenting choice would more likely get a visit from Child Protective Services."

Of course, the concern (expressed by some commenters) that shame was not ever a good thing and should not be revived is reasonable too. Even the worst parent any of us knows may well be fighting uphill battles we don't know. A little discernment and offers of support would probably go further to help a "bad parent's" children in 99% of cases than a heavy dose of shame.

But like Katie, I sometimes wonder if the "Bad Parent" phenomenon has led us to such a relativist state that when we do admirable things for our children, we have to hide them, for fear we're not "bad" enough. And the assumption that doing these admirable things is somehow a judgement against those who don't do them is one of the main ways this problem shows itself.

Every mother who decides to breast feed for a year (or three) is not, per se, a "nipple nazi" judging mothers who use formula. (People who throw the term "nazi" around so lightly? Definitely deserve judgement.) A mother who makes her own baby food is not, per se,"smugly" judging mothers who feed out of jars. (Can we call a moratorium on the word "smug" for six months?) A mother who forbids television is not, per se, a "sanctimommy" judging families that spend snuggle time on the couch watching their favorite shows. (Whoever invented that fake word, is hardly mother-friendly.)

But lately, if you make any of the former choices, like as not you'll feel the need to hide them, lest you be seen as having made your decisions over and against those of your fellow moms. Better you should just go ahead and get the new flatscreen to make sure no one accuses you of being judgemental.

Feed your kid McDonald's all you want. The stuff will never pass my children's lips under my watch (doubtless it will when my back is turned). But you cloth diaper and I'll poison the planet (and possibly my children) with disposables. I can't stand the thought of yet more laundry. I let videos "babysit" my kids for up to two hours a day, some days. But my kids eat less than a teaspoon of refined sugar per month.

The fact is, we all weigh what we value most, what we can let slide, what we can afford, what we need and what we enjoy -- or at least don't mind -- doing and what we loathe doing. And we make our judgements--about how to live our own lives--accordingly.

My kids just do not react well to sugar. It literally changes my older daughter's personality within minutes for very much the worse. In fact, I suspect if she ate a fairly normal amount of it (the amount that doesn't harm most kids) she'd be eligible for an ADHD diagnosis. My younger child doesn't share her extreme reaction, but she doesn't get sugar either, because that wouldn't be fair. If I bring my own snacks to a play date at your house, it doesn't mean I think you're evil for giving your kid cinnamon grahams. It means sugar doesn't work for us.

I made all the baby food for both my kids. I found it easy--even fun--and my kids loved, loved, loved it. The savings helped us spend our money on other things--some "good" like organic groceries, some "bad" like cable television. And it was my call, having absolutely nothing to do with someone else's desire not to spend an extra split second in the kitchen if she doesn't have to. Just like my losing battle with laundry keeps me from cloth diapering.

In a way, I guess I agree with Katie here. When everyone's a bad mother, no one is. Mostly though, I think that's a good thing. There really are very few parents so bad that they deserve to lose their children. But I also agree with Katie that the whole "Bad Parent" thing may be overplayed. Especially when the good things we choose to do for our kids end up making us feel bad--or not bad enough, as the case may be.

Guy Blames - Who Else - Mom for Slashing Tires

JeanneSager — Thu, 28 May 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Apparently the guy caught slashing tires on almost fifty cars in Boulder, Colo. had never read Philip Larkin.

He blamed it all on Mom. Oh, and the braces she made him get when he was little. And - no surprise here - radiation.

Alright, he sounds mentally ill, so I'll lay off him. But now that I'm a parent, I think it's time I start keeping a running tab on how many people blame Mom for everything wrong in their lives vs. those who blame Dad.

Because there's no doubt dad screws up too (hence, Larkin's quote: "they f--k you up, your mum and dad" in case you don't know it). And the blame game is certainly becoming more popular in today's society (heck, I blame the parents who tell their kids it's never their fault!).

As parents, a certain percentage of our choices are naturally going to be wrong. If any of us escape un-blameworthy, you deserve more than medals. But there's no question some parents work particularly hard to screw up (um, guy who poisoned his kids to sue Campbell's Soup jumps to mind). And with kids naturally closer to one parent or the other, there's always going to be one shouldering a little more of the blame.

With an only child, who is fairly centrist in our lives (she floats from Mommy to Daddy and back again), we'll probably both feel burden. But at least she'll have something to talk to that therapist about!

Do you worry that your kids are going to blame you for certain things when they grow up?

Image: Amazon

We're Not Judging You, Pinky Swear

JeanneSager — Fri, 08 May 2009 14:32:00 GMT

If there was any parent who might have taken exception with Kate Haas' piece on being TV free right here on Babble, it was one who penned a piece about letting her daughter watch a heckuva lot of TV.

Yes, that would be me.

Honestly? I loved it. Because while Haas shared all the wonderful reasons her family's TV-free (similar, actually, to my own completely TV-free upbringing), she focused in on something that a lot of parents today just don't get. She doesn't make parenting decisions because she wants you to make the same ones. She makes them because that's how SHE wants to parent.

Imagine that. It isn't about you.

What first attracted me to Babble's Bad Parent column, back before I started writing for the site, was the fact that parents could tell the stories of alternate ways they've found to parent. Not because they think EVERYONE has to do it that way, but because there are too darn many people out there who think it's their way or the highway. Bad Parent has opened up an avenue for really not so bad parents like me (and the dozens of other Bad Parent writers, including several of my colleagues here on Strollerderby) to very simply offer another option. Haas can keep the TV out of the house. I can leave it on all day.

Do we talk about the benefits of our way? Of course! If we didn't think there were benefits, frankly, why would we be doing it? It's why I've shared the story of how I juggle sending my kid to daycare a few days a week and taking her to work with me other days, the reasons I won't use the "v" word with my kid, the reasons I refuse to make holidays into an extended family hell.

Often writing about these choices draws criticism, offering you all a computer-side seat to the so-called mommy wars, where judgement reigns supreme. It happens. As a writer, that's what happens when you share your words with other people. Sometimes, judging people is OK. We all do it.

But a comment on a recent Bad Parent compelled me to answer back for the first time ever. The reader took issue with the use of the word "park." As in parking my kid in daycare.

"Why can't writers explore these issues without insulting those who have chosen differently," she asked.

My question? Why is expressing an alternate opinion an insult? The true mommy wars come from parents who are unable to simply say "eh, they do it that way, I do it my way."

It's a point Haas makes very clear in her essay this week. She's TV-free by choice. She's not walking into other people's homes and yanking out the cord on their idiot boxes. Sure, she'll tell you all the benefits. But at the end of the day, she's not going home to her husband to say "Oh my Gawd, can you believe those people let their kids watch Dora?"

As Haas says, "Believe me, I'm not sitting in judgment. Isn't raising kids hard enough without that?" So why don't you take a gander at some alternate parenting choices over at our Bad Parent Column? You might find some new ideas about how to parent. Or you might just get annoyed.

Joba Loves His Messy Mom, Do You?

JeanneSager — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:26:00 GMT

I am not a fairweather Yankees fan. I love Joba Chamberlain, even when his mom is brought up on meth dealing charges (when he gives up four runs in the first, weeeeeeell...).

The Yankees pitcher's comments had to warm the cockles of moms everywhere, especially this week of all weeks (ahem, look at your calendar).

"You've only got one mom, man, and you've got to be thankful for her,'' said Chamberlain. "I still love her."

Of course, it's not Joba's fault that his mom, Jacqueline Standley, was allegedly selling methamphetamines back home in Nebraska.

It isn't any kid's fault when mom is a serious mess. But this is certainly sit down and take stock week, especially for parents. Joba's sort of right - most of us only get one mom (yes, children of lesbians get two, kids in open adoptions get two . . . but the point is, your options are still limited!).

So does that mean we all have to love our moms? Or our dads for that matter? Or does it mean Jacqueline Standley is REALLY lucky to have a son who knows life throws you curveballs?

Ask any parent how their own parents play into their choices as a parent today, and you'll get one of two answers: 1. They're doing things the way their parents did it. or 2. They're trying very hard NOT to do it the way their parents did it.

We might only get one mom (or the equivalent), but that doesn't mean she had to be any good. And since we won't all have a Yankees pitcher for a kid, we'd best work our butts off to try to not to make a mess of it.

Image: DailyNews

Jon Gosselin a Cheater, But a Good Dad?

JeanneSager — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:27:00 GMT

Haters of Jon and Kate Plus 8 (and we've found out there are many) got the confirmation they've all been waiting for: Jon Gosselin is a total tool. The hair plugs didn't clue you in?

The brother of the woman he's supposedly shtupping says, well, that he's shtupping his sister. And this isn't Kate Gosselin's bro talking, so it would stand to reason that the star of TLC's reality show is cheating on his wife (allegedly, natch).

But while all that uproar is going on over his extra-marital activities, his friends are rushing out to say, "wait, Jon is a good dad to his eight kids!" Are the two even related?

People who cheat on their spouses are scum buckets. I was raised with the mantra, if you are going to step out on your marriage then WALK out of your marriage. If he's unhappy with the woman many watchers say is a shrew, then, by all means, take a hike buddy. But cheating would make him a bad husband.

Does it make you a bad parent too? Besides the admittedly bad example you're setting for your kids, I'm inclined to say not really. Especially when you have young children. When you have teens who are more aware of what you're doing, then there's even more pressure to act as a "role model." Even then, if your kids DON'T know, I'd tend to say you're still just a bad spouse and rather rotten person.

But unless Jon Gosselin was having sex with a woman other than his wife in front of his kids, I don't see how it affects his parenting skills. In fact, if he's having sex WITH his wife in front of his kids, I'd have a bit of a problem with that (g-ross people). But cheaters still get up and make breakfast in the morning. They still pour sippy cups and read bedtime stories. They are still parents - as long as they keep the mistress (or the other man) away from the kids.

What do you think parents? Does cheating make you a bad parent or just a bad spouse?

Image: Zap2It

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Babble Talk: Why Preschool is NOT a Scam

JeanneSager — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 17:02:00 GMT

I've got to hand it to one of the moms who commented on Lisa Emmerich's recent Bad Parent: Preschool Hysteria.

She managed to equate well-respected institutions of learning across the nation with something cooked up by Bernie Madoff.

Her exact words for what preschool amounts to in her book? "What a racket! I cannot believe you people pay someone to teach your child what you can teach them at home."

Way to insult every mother and father who actually work outside the home and CAN'T teach their children at home. Not to mention those of us who are mindful enough of our own shortcomings that we don't try to teach our kids at home; we put our kids into a program where we feel a certified teacher is providing a headstart for kindergarten while they get to have fun and interact with other children of the same age.

I am a huge proponent of the home schooling movement. But I've got to tell you, I can't do it. Call me a bad parent, but my patience wears thin after the fifth time my daughter looks at me after I've asked a question and says "I don't know. Tell me."

Yes, I teach her little things, the "unschooling" method does have merit in the fact that we count out the number of plates coming out of the dishwasher, and she learned her shapes by identifying road signs while we're out riding around.

She knows her alphabet. She'll recite the whole thing to a stranger at the grocery store. But at home, where she's interacting with a mother with a very similar personality (we are, after all, mother and daughter), she opts for game playing. For pretending she needs help with simple tasks. When push comes to shove - she shoves back. And I'm PROUD of her for it. But it means that we are not meant to be in more than a mother and daughter role.

The issue of home schooling, plain and simple, is not that it doesn't work but that it doesn't work for everyone. Putting aside the fact that the majority of two-parent households in America include two working parents, a lot of parents are still uncomfortable with the idea of being their child's primary source of education. Simply put - if we felt we could be teachers, many of us would have gone to school to be teachers.

I went to school to be a journalist. Faced with a room full of squirmy children, I can play games and sing silly songs. I don't have the patience of Job that my daughter's preschool teacher fortunately possesses. Nor do I have the early childhood development degree that she's earned. I can't get ten kids to sit around a table and draw the letter P and glue feathers to the page to make a parrot. My daughter loved making parrots.

I'm not convinced that kids need to be in a nursery school at two. We waited until my daughter hit three, and even then, we opted for a half-day program just two days a week. For us, it's daycare - I work in a newspaper office while she's at preschool. It's also a place where she spends a fair portion of the time playing with other kids, learning about sharing and picking up on social cues from kids her own age. They're there for social education more so than your traditional academic education at this age, and they're fostering their independence in a safe setting. My daughter feels important learning outside of the home and telling me things - things she doesn't think Mommy knows. At this age, I don't think kids need much more than the basics, and preschool settings that are fairly laissez faire work best for all involved.

It works for us. We knew exactly what we were signing her up for, and why we needed to do it. If that's a racket or a scam, I can only say I've bought it, hook, line and sinker. Oh, and my daughter? Has learned to stop resisting me when I suggest she was her hands after she uses the potty, found some best little buddies for playdates and draws the letter "P" like a champ.

Responsible Parenting Law is Unconstitutional

JeanneSager — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:01:00 GMT

Can I hear an Amen from every writer of "Bad Parent" here on Babble?

Oh wait, I'm part of that contingent - so AAAAAMEN!

A law passed by Davenport, Iowa that would have made it illegal to be an "irresponsible parent" (close enough) was taken to the courts by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Iowa, and has now been deemed unconstitutional because it was "is overbroad and denies due process rights."

You think?

The law would have required parents to be sent a strict letter of admonishment the first time their child was caught committing a crime or even breaking the town curfew. The worse their kids got, the harder the penalties levied against the parents would be, including fines and mandatory parenting classes.

I was an all around pretty good kid with parents who did some pretty heavy supervision. But on occasion (very rare, of course!), I screwed up royally. Would you blame my parents? No - blame me, I was the idiot. It's no wonder kids take little responsibility for their actions - first their parents hire lawyers to fight the big mean teacher that gave them a B and now the government is willing to pass the buck on to mom and dad.

I'm glad to see this one knocked down, but Lisa Belkin of the Motherlode pointed out in a recent column that there are a fair amount of attempts still in the works to bully parents into being good at their "jobs" with legal threats. North Dakota parents face fines if their kids skip school, Minnesota parents can't smoke in cars with kids.

Do you think the laws can ever really change bad parents into good ones? Or will more laws simply mean more bad parents sitting in jails?

Image: Zazzle

When Adults Attack Kiddie Heroes

Jen Chaney — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Let's be honest. We moms and dads crack jokes from time to time about smacking that purple, simple-minded Barney, or whacking Spongebob Squarepants upside his porous, yellow head. But these are merely sarcastic comments made to fellow parents who also spend a little too much time with PBS Sprout or Nickelodeon. We would never actually do something like that, especially not in public, in front of a group of children.

Well, apparently not everyone has the same anger management skills. In the past week, a man has pleaded guilty to assaulting a Chuck E. Cheese at a kid's birthday party. And in Washington, D.C. a bus driver punched a police officer in a McGruff the Crime Dog costume, while several children on this guy's Metro Bus watched in shock.

In the Chuck E. Cheese case (new motto for that establishment: "Where a kid can be a kid, and an adult can horrify many kids"), a Massachusetts man ripped the Chuck E. mascot head off of the 19-year-old who was wearing it, then screamed at the guy because he believed the costumed character had purposely pinned his 11-year-old against a video game. Trahan Pires pleaded guilty and was fined $500 for his actions.

Clearly that behavior was uncalled for, especially since it's not the first altercation to take place at a Chuck E. Cheese recently. But it's slightly more understandable when compared to the situation involving McGruff the Crime Dog (new motto: "I take a bite out of crime and, sometimes, a punch in the face"), which occurred last weekend on the streets of our fair District of Columbia. Police officer Tyrone Hardy was dressed in McGruff garb and handing out anti-crime literature to kids when a Metro bus stopped at his street corner. The driver, Shawn Brim, got out, adjusted his mirrors and -- for no apparent reason -- slugged McGruff. Brim's subsequent explanation for said random outburst? He was "trying to be funny." He has been charged with simple assault.

Obviously these are separate incidents. But they point to what could be a larger problem: adults who can't keep their anger in check in front of children. And, more specifically, intense resentment toward costumed kiddie characters. I mean, what did McGruff the Crime Dog ever do to anyone? As public-service-oriented icons go, he's actually pretty cool. He's certainly more badass than Smoky the Bear.

Clearly lots of people are under stress at the moment. All the anxiety and tension about the economy -- working extra hours, keeping up with the bills, etc. -- can bubble up and manifest itself in some ugly ways. That's why every parent or individual who works with kids needs to take a few extra, deep breaths every time they find their blood pressure rising. It takes a village to take a bite out of flat-out cra-zay behavior.

Okay, McGruff didn't say that. But when he recovers from that recent attack, I have no doubt that he will.

Related Links:

Things You Should Never Say at a Chuck E Cheese Birthday Party

Pregnant Woman Arrested For Fighting At Chuck E. Cheese

Image: Safetybadges.com

Babble Talk: When It's Too Cold to Play

JeanneSager — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:23:00 GMT

I wanted to be all huffy about Kim Brooks' essay about raising her son in cold climes this week. After all, Bad Parent: Cold Comfort points a finger at Northeasterners like me as "bad parents."

But my righteous indignation falls woefully short. I hate the cold.

And before you get that Mommy tone of voice on and tell me "hate is a strong word, young lady," let me tell you - I REALLY hate the cold. What's more, I refuse to do fun things outside in the cold with my over-eager pre-schooler.

The pending invitation to a sleigh-riding party for one of her little friends' birthdays has me pinning my hopes on no shadow for that pesky groundhog next week. A born and raised New Yorker, I should be used to it - at least that's what everyone tells me. But like Brooks, I often rue the day I left Virginia with its barely there winters and its elongated summers. I could blame it all on my asthma, aggravated by the cold, but that's truly only a fraction of my distaste for winter.

I hate driving in it - especially now that I'm a mother. Gripping the steering wheel while she chatters in the backseat, I've used the "shut up" words - the words I never, ever wanted to say in front of my daughter - out of pure fear. Before, it was only me who could be hurt; now it's her life at stake. It makes it harder to get out of the house for those indoor/away from home activities that Oz shared in her list of what to dos in winter.

I hate tromping through the snow, the cuffs of my pants filling with chunks of slush, the water wicking up my jeans and leaving my calves cold and chafed. I hate the wind, whipping past my face and leaving my cheeks chapped and raw. I hate shoveling, the back-breaking work a reminder of all the childhood school cancellations ruined by afternoons spent in the yard making paths to the bus and paths to my father's shop.

Even the so-called fun - the winter sports - don't hold a candle to a good book and a soft spot on the couch. I'm resigned to my inner klutz, which has made skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing and the like utterly impossible and utterly unenjoyable. Time spent on the ground, rubbing my sore tush, could be better spent, I figured, inside making blanket forts and baking cookies.

And still, my daughter - like Kim's little boy - stares plaintively out the window. She begs to be released from the confines of the house for just a little while to run and jump with the dog in the wonderful world of white.

And I say no.

I'm waiting for her to grow up a little, to be old enough to be trusted outside alone for a little while (we do live on a back road, in a quiet neighborhood, so that day will come). So Kim, if you're a bad parent; I am too. But hopefully our kids will be just as bad - and grow up to hate the cold!

Mom Sells Daughter's Soul to a British Tabloid - Figuratively Speaking

JeanneSager — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:06:00 GMT

There are days go by when your kids drive you nuts, no question. But do you ever stop loving them?

If you did, would you tell a British tabloid?

Shelley Price got the burden of eleven years off her chest to the Daily Mail this week, telling the paper she just can't bring herself to love the little girl she had with an ex-boyfriend eleven years ago.

"I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I'm the woman who doesn't like her own child. But I'm speaking out because I'm convinced I'm not alone," she told the paper.

I don't actually doubt her words. As a mom who went through a bout of postpartum depression (fixed by good drugs, take that Tom Cruise), I can identify with a mother's apathy. Fortunately, there is nothing but love for my daughter coursing through my veins these days, but I am willing to bet there are mothers whose depression never gets the appropriate treatment. There too are mothers who kill, mothers who abuse, mothers who neglect their children - a sure sign that not every mother is consumed by pure love for their offspring. What's more, there are mothers who perhaps got pregnant and never should - who (dare I say it?) should have gone for an abortion. We're not all made to be parents. Physically, perhaps. But mentally? Emotionally?

Price says she was meant to be a parent. Her proof? She's got nothing but love for her second daughter, two-year-old Poppy.

Which makes this story all the more cruel. Price has spoken out about her plight just as eleven-year-old Catherine is hitting puberty, a time when a pre-teen's life is already in upheaval. Adding the knowledge that her mother doesn't love her, and the whole world knows took the burden off of Shelley Price and put it squarely on the shoulders of her hormonal tween daughter. Throw in her mother's assertion that she loves her younger daughter, and gone too is the comfort that "maybe her mother wasn't made to love" or "maybe her mother has a condition of some sort." There is simply no rationalizing the facts away. The likely option a child will turn to is "there must be something wrong with me," when it's very clear to adults that the fault lies with Shelley Price.

As a parent, it is our job to protect our children. Period. From the day a child is delivered (or adopted), they become our main priority. But Shelley Price has put her own discomfort first, and by opening up "for other mothers," she has sounded the death knell for her daughter's innocence.

Perhaps this child could already tell her mother didn't love her (old-fashioned sibling rivalry, if nothing else, would likely have brought that to light). Now her mother has removed all doubt. For children, who depend on their parents not only as their first line of defense but as a stumbling block, there's always that knowledge that their parents are the sole source of unconditional love.

A little girl has lost that, and her mother gets to feel better about herself because she's "done a service" to other mothers. Shelley Price says she's now going to work to improve her relationship with her eldest daughter. "'I can't change the past, but I'm hoping we can make our relationship better. I want to put it right, but perhaps it's too late for that."

She's sold her daughter's soul, and she can't get that back.

Source: The Daily Mail has removed the original story, but the piece is still available in full at We Kid You Not

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Parents Who Waited Decade to Report Son Missing Now Murder Suspects

JeanneSager — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 13:26:00 GMT

Prosecutors in the case of missing Adam Herrman have announced his parents are suspects facing possible murder charges.

Really, is anyone surprised here? These are the parents who waited a decade after their son went missing to report his disappearance to police.

Adam was eleven years old when he disappeared. He'd be twenty-one today. But his Valerie and Doug Herrman, the people who took him in as a foster child when he was a toddler and later adopted him, claimed that he was frequently running away. When he ran the last time, they claim they figured he'd gone back to his biological parents or was simply homeless.

Valerie Herrman has since come out in news reports saying she spanked him with a belt just before he ran off, but she was afraid of reporting his disappearance, lest her younger sons were removed by child protective services over the spanking issue. Because no one would want to remove kids from a parent who just let her eleven-year-old run off and not go after him?

In a strange way, Valerie's statements make sense - Adam had been removed from the home before over bruising found by a counselor, although Valerie has continued to deny allegations of abuse. Just as she continues to deny that she was anything less than a loving parent to Adam. Her actions have done such a fantastic job of backing her up, of course. Especially her insistence that she's sorry.

Police have yet to find Adam's remains, even in a search of Doug and Valerie's trailer. But prosecutors have announced even without remains they are considering first degree murder charges against the Herrmans.

Even if they didn't kill their son outright, I'd wager anything unfortunate that befell him in the past ten years should land on the Herrman's conscience - if not land their "sorry" butts in jail.

Image: CNN

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Think Your Kids Are Driving You Crazy? Caffeine Tied to Hallucinations

JeanneSager — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:57:00 GMT

There is an unspoken rule in our house that I do not have to fully listen to my daughter until I have had my caffeine injection. That's all I need - one big gulp of diet Pepsi, and I am a fully functioning parent.

But a normal parent can hear voices, right? Or maybe have a mirage - a clean toy room - pop up in front of their eyes? Oh come on, don't tell me you haven't heard "I want to go to bed early tonight, after I eat my green beans and take a quick bath" in your head over and over until your spouse told you wipe the stupid grin off of your face.

Now we can blame it on the real mother's little helper: caffeine.

A set of researchers in the United Kingdom have linked high intake of caffeine to hallucinations.

The study at Durham University determined a high caffeine user (classified as more than seven cups of coffee a day) was three times more likely to have heard a person speak when there was nobody there. It was a small study, using just two hundred students, but the subjects reported seeing and hearing people who weren't there and sensing the presence of people who were dead (no mention of any resemblance to Bruce Willis).

If any of this worries you, have heart: researchers were quick to note that hallucinations are not indicative of mental illness!

So your kids could be driving your crazy . . . but maybe not literally.

Image: Piffe the Penguin (I see a cat in my coffee, please tell me I'm hallucinating again)

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Grandpa Hires Hitman So He Can Visit Granddaughter

JeanneSager — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:45:00 GMT

How can you say no to a Grandpa who just wants to see his little granddaughter? When he's the type of guy who'd hire a hitman to rough you up for it, I'd say you have some pretty good grounds.

David Ward of Pacific, Missouri, has been accused of hiring a hitman to beat up his daughter, providing him with the woman's address and pictures so he could identify her in a crowd.

Ward told police he didn't want his daughter dead. He just wanted to see his granddaughter. Police say Ward was charged four years ago for assaulting the daughter - likely the reason she severed ties between child and Grandpa.

The details out on this story make it pretty clear Ward's daughter made the right move in cutting Dad out of the picture. But most of us have parents who drive us up the wall (and don't hire hitmen) - have you ever considered cutting them out of your child's life?

They're flesh and blood, but they're also not parents, so they don't have the rights that we do. Still, I watch my daughter running around with her grandparents, and she is absolutely idolized. Grandparents usually offer a different kind of love - because they don't have to do the discipline and clean-up later. Grandparents often do a better job with their grandkids than they did with their own kids too, either because they're older and more experienced or simply have the luxury of not worrying about the parenting aspect of it all.

Then again, grandparents spoil kids and send them home. They let them eat lollipops at nine p.m., and three nights later, our kids are throwing a tantrum because we say "no lollipops." They let our kids jump on the bed even though they would have tanned our (metaphorical) hides if we'd even glanced at the bed. They tell us how to parent, and they "tut, tut" when we don't follow up.

Sometimes, our parents aren't the best people for us to have around. Sometimes we just suck it up for our kids (so they can grow up, have kids, and we can be the pains in the ass later).

Image: DailyMail

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Dad Sells Daughter for Beer; Calls Cops for Non-Payment

JeanneSager — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:44:00 GMT

I applaud stupid criminals - especially when their stupidity lands their own sorry butts in jail. Like Marcelino de Jesus Martinez.

The California father has been charged for allegedly selling his fourteen-year-old daughter into a forced marriage with an eighteen-year-old. So how did police catch him?

Martinez allegedly called them when the groom-to-be, Margarito de Jesus Galindo, didn't turn over the agreed upon some for the poor little girl's hand. According to news reports, the neighbors had worked out a deal that would have included handing over one hundred cases of beer, $16,000, several cases of meat, wine, Gatorade and soda. When Galindo reneged, cops said Martinez called for help in getting his daughter back. Ah, so now she's worth something to him? Something more than the makings of a good backyard barbecue?

Martinez has been booked for "receiving money for causing person to cohabitate" and Galindo for statutory rape.

The most disturbing part of all of this? The girl went willingly - because it's an accepted practice where she's from.

The incident happened in Los Angeles, but her family hails from Mexico - and police in the LA area say they are finding more and more Mexican immigrants (generally from remote areas of the country) are engaging in similar practices. So while many people in America still think of "human trafficking" here only in relation to a coyote bringing people over the border and forcing them into slavery, it's happening within the confines of a family life too.

Sadly, that only compounds the problem for Martinez. He is obviously lacking as a father, but if he's from a community that condones this behavior, chances are, he doesn't even think he did anything wrong.

Image: NBC Los Angeles

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More News About Missing Child Adam Herrman

Brett Singer — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:15:00 GMT

Jeanne first told us about the bizarre case of the little boy who has been missing since 1999, but the story gets even stranger with some new details.

Let's start with this one: it turns out that the person who tipped off police about Adam's decade-old disappearance may have been the daughter of his adoptive parents. To clarify: Crystal Herrman, the biological daughter of Doug and Valerie Herrman, may have called the police and told them that Adam, whom Doug and Valerie adopted, was missing. Crystal emailed KSN.com, the Kansas NBC TV affiliate, saying the following:

"We started this, which was hard against our own parents as we were not adopted. But we want more than anything to find the truth, answers and justice…We pray every day our parents will come forward. Do the right thing not only for what they already put Adam through in the past, but to make it right for him now."

KSN says that that last sentence implies that Adam was being abused, although it doesn't appear to explicitly state that fact.

There's more: a woman described as "a former relative, who says she remains close to one of Valerie Herrman's sisters," told KSN that Valerie recently said, "They can dig up the whole state of Kansas, they'll never find a body." The Herrmann's attorney says that his clients are "worried" that they face murder charges, pointing out that there is no evidence of such a crime. He calls the Herrmans "good people," and claims the couple had no part in Adam's disappearance. The attorney has appeared on the Today Show, and also on local station KSN, stating that the Herrmans thought that Adam had gone to live with his biological father when he didn't come home after some time. Why they didn't call Adam's biological father and find out is a question that seems not to have been asked.

Lastly, Adam's biological father, Irvin Groeninger, gave an interview to KSN. He says that he "lost" Adam once and can't lose him again, and just wants to know what happened. Here's video of the interview, which also has clips of the attorney.

It's nasty stuff. I suppose I'll say that I hope they find out what happened soon, since it doesn't seem likely that this story has a happy ending.

Source: KSN.com

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Dad Jailed for Threatening Kid's Softball Ump

JeanneSager — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Why do parents think the best thing for their kids' sports futures is to enrage the coaches and umpires their poor kid now has to play in front of for the rest of his or her youth sports career?

A dad from Illinois who threatened the umpire in his daughter's softball game with bodily harm followed up this boorish behavior (in front of the kids, I might add) by spitting saliva and a mouthful of sunflower seeds on a responding cop.

He's been sent to jail for five nights (that's it?), charged $500 and ordered to attend anger management classes.

The sports-rage parents aren't just how cruel they are being to another human being (and needlessly so), but they carry out their rage-fueled over-the-top acts IN FRONT OF their kids. In this particular case, a dad committed felony acts of aggravated battery. He resisted a police officer.

All in the name of what? Making sure his kid got an extra base? It's a prime example of unsportsman-like (not-to-mention illlegal) conduct, and it's a classic way to teach your kid "he who screams loudest, wins." There's no mention of practice, play hard, and you'll score the next run, earn an extra touchdown.

Michael Beck has also been ordered to perform community service. Might I suggest it be in the form of volunteering for the local kids sports non-profit (softball, soccer, football . . . whoever will have him)? He'll be chewing through sunflower seeds by the bag trying to keep up with every movement of every little kid on that field.

Image: Time

Source: Chicago Sun-Times

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Babble Talk: Is Ditching the Baby Monitor Child Abuse?

JeanneSager — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:27:00 GMT

If parents want to get really hard core, they always pull out the word "abuse." As in, "I can't believe you'd do that to your child, that's child abuse!"

Elizabeth Blackwell's recent Babble essay, Bad Parent: Out of Sight, elicited some shock and awe for her refusal to use a baby monitor. But can not using a baby monitor to track your child's every whimper and wheeze really be considered child abuse? I mean, folks, we do have to sleep, shower . . . poop.

If you have all five senses attuned to your child at every moment of every day, I commend you. I don't.

Neither did my parents or their parents. Heck, my grandmothers didn't have baby monitors - and no one would dare tell Grandma that the seven children she raised were anything but well-behaved, well-mannered and in perfectly good health.

Baby monitors are little more than a modern convenience. Useful for some families - including some of the parents who commented about their big houses where it's hard to hear from room to room or kids with medical conditions. For others, well, we used ours a handfull of times, and she's managed to weather the storm.

In truth, although it was dubbed a piece about the electronic monitoring devices, the heart of readers' pique is how Blackwell keeps track of her kids throughout the day and how she responds to them. When they start to cry in the morning, Blackwell says she doesn't hop right to it. And when the bedroom is quiet, she likes to let sleeping babies lie.

Letting a child cry for hours on end might be child abuse (although Dr. Ferber might disagree). But letting a child know that the minute they wake up, Mommy might be on the potty or washing dishes or yes, lolling in bed after a long night of feedings and diaper changes, isn't. As one nurse practitioner told me, shortly after I gave birth, sometimes, kids just cry. Make sure they are fed, they have been changed, they are dressed appropriately for the temperature and they are safe. If you have done everything in your power to make them stop crying, and they won't, it's OK to put them down and walk away.

We are our kids' biggest comfort, but they need to learn to self-soothe and to develop their own interests. Smushed up against Mom's chest all day where she's making them feel better, they hardly get to see the world. They also need to learn that not every moment of your day can be devoted to them. Sometimes, you have to eat, sleep, poop - just like babies.

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Mom Shoplifts Parenting Book With Kids in Tow

JeanneSager — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:29:00 GMT

So, you want to know how to be a "great mom?" You could drop some dough on a book called 101 Ways to be a Great Mom. Or you could take your kids out shoplifting and get yourself the five finger discount!

Decisions, decisions.

An Ohio mom has been accused of taking her two kids out to the local Dollar General with their daddy and shoving a parenting book in her pocket before waltzing out the door.

Police say Callie Rough also stashed wash cloths, hand towels and a small rug while her partner, James Rogers, allegedly stole a package of garbage bags. Confronted by store employees, Rough allegedly refused to let them search her oversized purse, instead running to the back of the store and emptying it herself. On the way out, employees said she threw more purloined items at them before the whole family made a run for it.

Police found both Rough and Rogers had active warrants against them, and placed them under arrest. Dad was charged with receiving stolen property, Mom with theft.

And 101 Ways to be a Great Mom? That was confiscated. But I see a sequel in the works - Rule #102, don't take your kids with you on your shoplifting trips.

Image: Amazon

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Parents Wait a Decade to Report Missing Child

JeanneSager — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:24:00 GMT

A child went missing in 1999, and his parents say they feel "very guilty" they didn't report him missing sooner. You know, sooner than the other day . . . ten years after the tween boy went missing.

Well, you know, feel guilty, act guilty . . . At the very least, these people must be guilty of being bad parents.

Adam Herrman disappeared from his adoptive parents, Doug and Valerie Herrman's trailer park in the town of Towanda, Kansas, in 1999. A foster child placed in the the Herrmans' care when he was two, Adam (born Irvin Groeninger III) was adopted by them. By the time he was eleven or twelve (somehow, police haven't been able to pin down an exact age - making me wonder if there's an exact day he was last seen), the Herrmans say he was running away frequently.

But when he up and disappeared again, they apparently decided he was with his biological parents . . . or homeless.

And still, they didn't report him missing.

According to a CNN report, a "person" made a report to the Sedgwick County Exploited and Missing Children's Unit that they were concerned about Adam Herrman. Police have since executed a search warrant at the family home, taking into possession their computer. They have gotten an answer, they said, to one of reporters' main questions . . . but they won't reveal which one.

Apparently it's not "what happened to Adam Herrman," because police said they don't know whether he's alive or dead. The Herrmans are not under arrest at this point, but their lawyer has said they "feel very guilty" and "rue" the fact that they didn't report him missing.

Of course, I can't help thinking of another missing Adam. Adam Walsh's parents went running to the cops because they loved their son and wanted them back, and their son is forever memorialized in the "Code Adam" alert for a missing child. Why wouldn't a set of parents (even those frustrated by a troubled runaway child) put out their own Code Adam for their Adam?

Usually, I try to stay away from the words "adoptive parents" because once an adoption is final, the adopting parents are simply parents in my book. But two people who let their pre-teen son go missing without reporting it to police? I'm not sure I can call them parents.

Image: CNN

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Why Cops Should Let Casey Anthony Attend Caylee's Funeral

JeanneSager — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 16:57:00 GMT

I've tried not to watch the Caylee Anthony unfold, shaken by the fact that the little girl was just two months younger than my own, digusted by the news that her mother was the prime suspect. But when I saw that cops will not be allowing Casey Anthony to atend her daughter's funeral, I couldn't not look. I couldn't not think about it.

I confess I would make a horrible juror. In my mind, Casey Anthony was convicted the day media reported she waited two months after Caylee's disappearance before reporting her missing. As far as I was (am) concerned, she did it.

Now, all that remains of Caylee, forever two years old, is a skeleton, found last week near the Anthonys' Florida home. No date has been set for the funeral, but the Orange County Corrections Department has already determined they will not allow Casey Anthony to attend - because of the gravity of the charges pending against her and the security risk (imagine, someone wanting to hurt a mother like that?).

If Casey Anthony killed her child, I'd rank her with any other child abuser/molester/murderer. She deserves little. But there is that if. In the United States, we are still guaranteed that "if" until a plea of guilty is entered or a jury or judge returns with a verdict. Right now, Casey Anthony is innocent, and she will not be able to say goodbye to her little girl. It's a pain, I, as a mother, can't imagine. It's why I think she should go to the funeral.

Of course, I can't imagine killing my child either. So let's just say my suspicions are right. Let's imagine Casey Anthony is proven guilty - beyond a reasonable doubt. I still think they should send her to the funeral. Because the mother who kills a child has apparently lost all sense of the sanctity of life, of the power with which she was blessed, of what it means to be a mother. A mother who kills her own child deserves to have to say goodbye.

Image: ABC News

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Teen Has Cancer and Lives in a Car

JeanneSager — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:29:00 GMT

Doctors have told Destiny Himmel's mom the teen needs a safe, clean, germ-free environment as her body rebuilds in its battle with leukemia. Easier said than done when you live in your car.

Kerry and Destiny Himmel live in their Ford Explorer, alternating between a parking spot at a California McDonald's and another at a nearby grocery store. Kerry used to work as a truck driver, but when she went looking for another job, her daughter got sick.

In April, Destiny was diagnosed with high-risk acute leukemia. She has gotten through what is considered the hardest part of her treatments, but she still has at least two years of care before doctors think the cancer can be eradicated. Now Kerry spends her days home-schooling her daughter in the back of their car and shuttling the teen between medical appointments (Destiny's care is covered by Medi-Cal, the California state insurance system). On cold nights, Destiny stretches out in the back of the car, riddled by the pain that follows chemotherapy, with the family's two dogs to keep her warm. They get by on $500 in government assistance each month, cutting coupons to stretch their dollars and using the bathroom of the fast food restaurant.

But her mom won't accept putting her in foster care - to get her out of the car. Nor will the teenager. When a reporter for the Los Angeles Times suggested it, Destiny broke into sobs. When another member of the Times' staff uncovered proof that the Himmel's were offered housing earlier this spring and turned it down, Kerry said her daughter couldn't handle the stairs at the building in her condition. She said she couldn't meet with case managers and keep up with her daughter's medical appointments at the same time. She worried that the transitional residents at the proposed shelter would subject Destiny to unsafe germs.

If this were merely the story of a child suffering through cancer, it would be bad enough. But reading further and further into the Times' story, I found myself wondering not where the system has failed the Himmels, but how Kerry Himmel thinks she is helping her daughter. To not want her put in foster care because she thought she'd lose her is understandable. To not take an apartment because it has steps? That's a mix of denial and martyrdom - with a dose of short-sightedness thrown in.

Kerry Himmel is trying to be a good parent, that's clear, but sometimes that means admitting we can't do it all for our kids.

Image: The Los Angeles Times

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Jersey Dad Fakes His Own Son's Death for Money

JeanneSager — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:32:00 GMT

By all accounts, it was a parental nightmare. Anthony Myers Sr. told a New Jersey life insurance agent he'd lost his seven-year-old son to a fatal asthma attack. Are tears pricking in the corners of your eyes yet?

Don't bother. The boy is now ten and lives in North Carolina with his mother. His dad? Will have to spend five years on probation and likely cough up his own cash.

The elder Myers admitted in court this week to falsifying his son's death in 2006 to get his hands on a $25,000 life insurance policy. He didn't get ahold of the money - investigators caught wind of his lie before any checks were cut. Now the state is pursuing civil penalties of $5,000.

A New Jersey insurance fraud prosecutor told the New Jersey Star Ledger this type of fraud is rare - parents don't usually fake their own kids' deaths. Uh, maybe because it's sick? There's nothing a parent dreads more than the loss of a child; it's against the natural order for a kid to go first.

Last year a New Jersey woman did fake her own death - later posing as her daughter to try to collect the insurance money, but an actual child wasn't involved in the case. Not excusing her actions, either, but it's one thing to pretend YOU are dead. Pretending your kid is dead? That's just playing with karma.

Looks like Myers found out karma always comes back and bites you in the ass.

Image: Hacked Gadgets

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Teen Girl's Mom Throws Prostitution Party

JeanneSager — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Cops don't yet know if two teen girls dancing partially nude at a cash-for-sex party were part of the crew of prositutes. They do know who was running the party - the mom of one of the sixteen-year-old girls.

Police broke up what amounted to a temporary brothel in Detroit took the daughter into protective custody. They sent her mother off to jail, along with several men who seemed to be involved in a scheme that required johns to pay a $15 cover charge to get into the party and another fee to have sex with one of the nineteen adult women in the house. In a statement released by the Wayne County Sheriff, police say they don't know if the girls were paid for sex. I don't think it matters.

We've written fairly regularly on the 'Derby about parents who seem to cross the line of permissive when it comes to sex and their teenagers, but pimping parents are another class entirely. Kids will have sex, often before we want them to (trust me, as the mother of a girl, I am NOT looking forward to this day). But letting someone pay to have a look-see at your teenage daughter - even if they don't touch - sounds like sexual abuse to me.

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Husband's Genitals Lit on Fire For Cheating

JeanneSager — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 13:34:00 GMT

Think the headline says it all? Wait, there's more. The couple's three kids were in the house when their mom allegedly sprayed down her sleeping husband's package with "methylated spirits" - highly flammable denatured alcohol - then lit them with a candle.

New Zealand news reports say the guy suffered burns on more than 85 percent of his body; although his kids were rescued from the burning house unscathed.

OK, so the guy was obviously a tool to be stepping out on his wife and three kids. But let's get some perspective here. Want to really castrate this guy? Take his million dollar house in a divorce; don't burn the thing to the ground. And note to Mom: your husband might be a bad spouse, but lighting your house on fire with the kids in side makes you a bad mother . . . and a bit of a psychopath.

Thankfully, pyromania has been limited thus far in its use to cure straying spouses. So let this be a reminder to wronged moms everywhere: you lose your "I bore his children and this is how he repaid me" defense when you put the spawn of his seed at risk too.

Image/Source: 3 News

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Mom Scratches 'B**ch' on Son's Face with Crayon

JeanneSager — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 14:09:00 GMT

If this isn't a case of the pot calling the kettle black, what is? An Indiana mother has been arrested on charges of neglect of a dependent, battery and criminal confinement after allegedly holding her fourth-grader on the floor and using a crayon to scratch the word "b**ch" on his forehead.

It sounds like Sherri Feuston definitely is one.

The mom then sent the boy to school, where officials called in child abuse investigators. They say Feuston also beat the boy with a belt and flicked him in the eye with a towel. Her defense? She was just "playing" with him.

Have you picked up your kids crayons lately? Of all my daughter's toys, I'd have to say they're among the least dangerous. So the thought that someone could actually scratch out a word on the skin that would still be visible an extended period of time later is hard to believe. You'll forgive me, then, if I don't believethis mom was "just playing" when she did this.

Image: CuriousClicks