Strollerderby : bad toys

Destroying Kids As We Know Them . . . Or Not

JeanneSager — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 17:34:00 GMT

I am all for toys that force kids to think and be creative; for some, I've completely given up hope.

So you would think I'd be all over the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood's TOADY (Toys Oppressive And Destructive to Young Children) Awards. Except, I think the folks a CCFC need to get out more.

To counter the Toy Industry Association's TOTY (Toy Of The Year) Awards on February 15, CCFC is asking parents to put in their votes for the TOADY of 2009. Their picks are perfectly annoying, I'll grant you.

You can pick the pooping Baby Alive, the over-the-top Power Wheels Cadillac Escalade, the Smart Cycle, Barbie Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Doll or the Lego Batman video game. None of these would I personally pick up for my daughter (and for further proof, read up on my thoughts on bimbo Barbie here!), but I can't summon quite the vituperativeness of the folks at CCFC over a toy.

Take the concern over the Smart Cycle, which they say gives kids "monotonous exercise to replace those boring trips to the park." Hello, CCFC, winter called. It wants you to know you need to keep the kids inside today - and they're still going to have the SAME energy to burn today that they'd get out on a sunny summer day at the park. They'll also want to eat the same filling foods they'll eat in the summer - maybe more to fight the cold - and sitting around playing puzzles with Mom all day is guaranteed to pack on the pounds. So, how bad is that exercise looking now?

Lego gets the stinkeye for "partnering with media companies to sell that toy in branded kits designed for recreating movies like Star Wars, rather than creative construction." Because, of course, no kid would ever link those blocks in any way, shape or form that would differ from the original picture on the box, thus allowing them to be creative and enjoy one of their favorite characters at the same time? And no little kid would possibly test their imagination with a Star Wars or Batman toy, crafting their own stories of how to defeat the Dark Knight, in the privacy of their bedroom. So silly. Of course, this is a video game, which draws their real ire because, they insist, "instead of deciding what to build next, children choose which cyber weapons to use to beat up their opponent." Because they won't use a toy good guy to kick the toy villain's ass?

Think the CCFC is on the right track, and I'm just one of those parents who spends too much time playing with real kids? Check them out and vote. Then get off the computer and go play with your kids - because as far as they're concerned, letting a kid play on a SmartCycle is tantamount to parents not "interacting with their preschoolers at all."

And who would want five seconds away from their child?

Image: CCFC

10 WORST. BABY. PRODUCTS. EVER! (Part 2)

Cole Gamble — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Baby Tattoos

At some point you might think I’m just being a crank, grousing about stuff that’s purely for novelty, a joke. But I argue that the jokes are dumb. Case in point, baby tattoos. However, if the idea behind the joke is to get your kid shanked in the prison yard, than it’s hilarious.

Man Boobs

Please lord save us from this product. That goes double for the men who feel they need them.

The Daddle

Well we just got done turn your kids into animals, now it’s dad’s turn. What dad hasn’t played horsey with his kids? Thanks to the Daddle, you can take an innocent game and turn it into the degrading exercise it was always meant to be. Once that kid gets the Daddle strapped to ya, you’ll never be anything more than a pack mule to her. And hey, what about the Maddle? Can’t mommy give dad a break?

Fortunately, the Daddle comes with a three-month supply of Vicodin for all your impending back pain.

Baby Perfume by Hello Kitty

The perfect way to say to your child, “You stink.” What exactly does Hello Kitty smell like, anyhow? I’m thinking it smells like unicorn barf.

Super Creepy My Little Pony

Ever since my daughter got one of these I haven’t had a night’s rest. I stay up all night staring at the ceiling and say to myself over and over, “Can’t sleep, baby pony will eat me. Can’t sleep, baby pony will eat me.”

Go to Worst Baby Products Part I

More by this author:

Horrifyingly Cute Animals

Cute Overload: White Tiger Kitten and Monkey are Friends (PICS!)

Men with Baby Heads

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

10 WORST. BABY. PRODUCTS. EVER! (Part 1)

Cole Gamble — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Baby Wipe Warmer

Okay, I love my kid, but making sure he has hot towels for his little ass seems overkill for me. Not only is the baby wipe warmer useless, it’s dangerous too. Wipe warmers carry the risk of causing a fire electric shock. Umm, my kids butt will just have to deal with the cold.

The Child Leash

Many boyfriends, husbands and would-be fathers have had the moment: you hear an alarm go off in your girlfriend’s/wife’s uterus. You can hear the words almost before she says them, “I want a baby.” As a time honored tradition, many spooked men have tried to redirect this mothering instinct by saying, “hey, why don’t we get a dog instead.” I do not believe this strategy has worked in the entire history of mankind. There are cave paintings of Neanderthal dudes getting their offer of adopting a wooly mammoth rejected by their women decorating a corner of the cave in pink.

That doesn’t mean you can’t treat your kid like dog. The Parent Leash takes all the fun of dominating a lesser species and applies to your spawn. Imagine the joy of your kid away when he gets too enamored with sniffing other kids’ butts.

Baby Keeper

What insane super billionaire is turning live infants into wall art? Oprah, I’m looking in your direction.

Baby High Heels

Might as well book your daughter on Jerry Springer now, ‘cause that’s where she’ll go when you get these tacky shoes for her.

Diaper Genie

Genie, eh? And what is so magical about the Diaper Genie? The people at Playtex purport that the Diaper Genie is an odor free diaper disposal system. You know what else works well for diaper disposal? The trashcan outside. My wife and I owned one of these and I can tell you there is no magic here. One problem, the liner refills are crazy hard to install and if you do it wrong, poop everywhere. Also the actual disposal of the diaper requires an inordinate amount of pressure, and pressure is not something a poop laden diaper like. As the poop oozes around your fist, you’ll wonder how you’ll ever get your hand “odor-free” again. Finally, the Diaper Genie seals away each individual diaper so there will be zero chance the thing will ever break down in the landfill. When you’re a grandparent you can take your grandkids to visit the magical poop snake your diaper genie created decades ago.

Go to Worst Baby Products Part II

More by this author:

Will Smith Remakes The Karate Kid, Casts His Son in Lead

Horrifyingly Cute Animals

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

Cute Overload: White Tiger Kitten and Monkey are Friends (PICS!)

Men with Baby Heads

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

Babble Talk: Worst Toy Makeovers

Jen Chaney — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:28:00 GMT

I've gotten a bit negligent in my RetroFitted posts. So I was happy to see Jeanne Sager pick up the slack with this fun Babble List on the Top 20 Worst Toy Makeovers. She mentions a lot of prime offenders. But here are the five that stick most uncomfortably in my toy-lovin' craw.

The Monopoly Makeovers: Sure, I have a version of this classic game that's based on the university I attended. (William & Mary-opoly, I have played you exactly 1.5 times.) Who doesn't? But all these other varieties, including the "American Idol" edition -- I'm with Jeanne, Simon Cowell and buying property on Boardwalk do not mix -- only serve to dilute the brand.

Etch-a-Sketch: This is very simple. Etch-A-Sketch should be red, rectangular and allow its knob spinners to draw nothing but black lines. No color imagery. No elaborate Dora the Explorer decorations. If I want a fancy pants Etch--A-Sketch, I'll buy the original and BeDazzle it, okay?

Lincoln Logs: Build a house with the new version of this nostalgic favorite and you can bet the Big Bad Wolf could blow it down with just a huff, let alone a puff. These logs don't look rustic, they look like they came from a poor man's Pottery Barn.

Holly Hobbie: As Rachael pointed out not too long ago, Holly is supposed to be a Calico-wearing pioneer girl. Holly Hobbie 2008, who is technically some sort of younger relative of the original, is a generic looking preteen who apparently borrowed Fred "Rerun" Berry's hat.

My Little Pony: Rachael and Jeanne also both cited the Struts -- which honestly resemble My Little Ponies in S&M gear -- as appalling toy remakes. And again, I agree. Yes, the updated toys are horses. But they're horses who look like little hos.

Strollerderby : bad toys

Destroying Kids As We Know Them . . . Or Not

Smackdown: Aw, Just Let Her Have a Barbie

Babble Talk: Is Ditching the Baby Monitor Child Abuse?

Mom Bugs Kid's Teddy Bear to Spy on Ex

Kid and Kangaroo Best of Friends

Kid Won't Friend You on Facebook? Get a Life

10 WORST. BABY. PRODUCTS. EVER! (Part 2)

Horrifyingly Cute Animals

10 WORST. BABY. PRODUCTS. EVER! (Part 1)

Will Smith Remakes The Karate Kid, Casts His Son in Lead

Horrifyingly Cute Animals

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

Babble Talk: Worst Toy Makeovers