Strollerderby : career

Report Finds Individualistic Culture Harms Kids—Because It Leads to Working Moms

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:00:00 GMT

A three-year study by a British charity called the Children’s Group has uncovered some unsurprising problems with individualistic culture. The report, called A Good Childhood, found that children are suffering from “a belief among adults that the prime duty of the individual is to make the most of their [sic] own life, rather than contribute to the good of others."

Thanks to a me-first culture, the study contends, people are more accepting of excessive materialism and widespread economic inequality that leaves millions of children in poverty; are unfazed by harmful advertising aimed at children; and see school as a place to compete rather than make friends and have fun.

This all makes sense to me. What boggles my mind is the solution proposed by the study’s authors: keep women in the home. According to the report, “excessive individualism” has lead women to get all uppity, believing they should take on paid jobs other than child-rearing and housecleaning. This is bad for children because clearly all working moms neglect their kids. Plus, women now have the freedom to break up families with their selfish desire to end unhappy marriages.

The study’s authors write: “Women's new economic independence…has made women much less dependent on their male partners, as has the advent of the welfare state.” Hold on a second here. I thought this report signaled the need to have compassion for others, which would mean supporting welfare for needy families and other government programs that help the less fortunate succeed.

Then, of course, there’s the little problem with the assumption (which I thought died circa 1950) that women should be dependent on men for all their basic needs. This way, even if men are physically abusive or alcoholic or can’t hold down a job, women would not be able to divorce them since they would have no means of caring for themselves. This would be good for kids, because divorce is an evil that must be smote out.

Oh, did I mention that the study’s authors have ties to the Church of England?

Image: phawker.com

Video: Doing Science Experiments on Your Kids

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:46:00 GMT

After writing about a new generation of scientists who are increasingly using their own kids as test subjects, I found this fascinating (and often adorable) video about a scientist, Deborah Linebarger, who has conducted experiments with her four children.

For me, the upshot of these interviews with ethicists, scientists, and children test subjects is that Linebarger struggles with balancing her career and her family, making mistakes with her older kids that she doesn’t repeat with her younger kids, worrying unnecessarily about her children's development. In other words, she struggles, like everyone, with being parent. She just happens to hope that she’ll make a huge scientific breakthrough while playing with her kids—and hey, what’s wrong with that?

Photo: New York Times

A Guy’s Take on Stay at Home Moms and Dads (Part 2: The Pros)

Cole Gamble — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Alright, time to get to the good parts about becoming a stay-at-home mommy or daddy:

Childcare is Monstrously Expensive

Our childcare cost over $1,800 a month. For some folks, going to work and paying for child care is nearly a break even proposition. Essentially you work for the privilege to send your kids to childcare so you can work. When you do the numbers you need to consider whether the salary you draw makes it financially worthwhile. And I don't mean if your job pays $5 more a month than child care costs you should go to work. You shouldn't put kids in childcare unless the money you're going to make if significantly greater. Otherwise, why bother?

You are A Consistent Care Provider

At daycares and preschools, staff will come and go. Your child can get easily attached to a teacher and then-poof!-they're gone. You, on the other hand, will always be around (unless there is something you're not telling me). Having that safe sense of consistency helps create a nurturing environment for your kid.

You Won't Miss a "First"

One of the more depressing things about putting kids in childcare is you'll likely miss out on your kids' firsts. The first time your baby laughs. The first steps she takes a step. The first time she tells an off-color joke. There's a pretty decent chance you won't be around when these adorable moments happen.

You Find Work Stressful

There are parents who use staying at home as a good excuse to drop out of the rat race. If your job is making you miserable and you don't see any other opportunities that look better, staying at home can give you the sanity you desperately need.

Raising Your Child is More Fulfilling than Office Work

Once again, this is preferential. As I outlined in the cons section, some adults may feel a loss of satisfaction when they drop out of work. On the other hand, some adults find raising their kid far more gratifying than pushing paper.

And if you can afford it, you may find that staying home reduces your stress level. Many parents decide to stay home after trying unsatisfactorily to balance work and family. The long hours and the feeling of cutting too many corners results in feeling burned out. Staying home will give you more time to spend with your children, maintain your home, and help keep your family life running smoothly.

Epilogue: Nicole's Story

So how did my wife's stay-at-home mommying adventure go? In the end, Nicole discovered the stay-at-home mom thing wasn't for her. She grew too frustrated trying to work on the house or her resume with the kids bouncing off the walls. The kids' attitudes got out of whack as they were not getting the level of socialization, activity and learning they were accustomed to at school. So the kids went back to school and so did Nicole, she's now working on her Master's degree. Since leaving the stay-at-home life behind, Nicole found she actually gets more quality time with the kids because she's no longer as frustrated when she gets to devote a portion of her day to being an adult.

Choosing whether or not to stay at home with the kids is not a matter of how much you love your kids. It's a matter of what works best for your family. Every mother or father must make this choice at some point, and whatever choice you make will undoubtedly be made with what's best for the family in mind.

Go Back to Part 1: the Cons of Staying Home

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A Guy’s Take on Stay at Home Moms and Dads (Part 1: The Cons)

Cole Gamble — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Recently my wife went back to school and finished up a bachelor’s degree in psychology. She was thrilled. I was thrilled. Even the damn pets were thrilled. The party, however, ended abruptly when Nicole realized she was, with her still hot from the oven degree in hand, entering the most hostile job market in generations. That’s when she introduced an intriguing proposition. “Hey, how about I keep the kids at home for awhile? If I can’t get a job now, I might as well take them out of child care and be a stay-at-home mom.” This was coming from a woman who started her college career on an education degree track, but then realized she didn’t like kids. This was different though. These were our kids, and your own kids are always infinitely lovelier than other peoples’ kids.

Throughout Nicole’s stay-at-home adventure, we’ve learned a lot about her personality, our kids’ personalities and the realities of staying at home with kids. Here are some of the lessons we learned, starting with the cons. In part two we’ll cover the pros and at the end I’ll let you in on what eventually happened to Nicole and how staying at home (I've heard SAH parent is the term for those in the know) has worked out for her.

The Cons:

Loneliness

Workplaces feed you daily social interaction with adults that we probably all take for granted. Once their daily routine revolves around the kid(s), many stay-at-home parents find themselves isolated. Some turn their child into their best friend, which at times puts the child in a peculiar situation as mommy or daddy gradually engages Jr. in too grown-up talk.

Loss of Identity via Loss of Career

I personally try not to define myself by my work (there are just too many more important aspects of personality), but I cannot deny all of us in the workplace to some degree merge our work into our self-esteem and identity. When you break that source of identity off, you can definitely feel that loss. People also crave the positive feedback one gets from the workplace and approbation is not something you usually get out of a screaming toddler or diaper full of crap.

Hard to Get Back to Work

Many parents find it’s tough to rejoin the job market after a sustained sabbatical.

You Can’t Provide the Activity and Socializing a Good Day Care/Preschool Can:

Hey, you’re a super stay-at-home parent. You go above and beyond the call of duty; you’re a total parenting rock star. Nonetheless, you still can’t compete with a child care program when it comes to activities and socializing. Good programs jam pack your child’s day with fun and educational projects. Also, you can’t underestimate the value of exposing your child to their peers on a daily basis. Interacting with other kids is essential for a child’s emotional and intellectual development. Yes, you can get them out of the house and around kids at the park, but you probably can’t offer them a whole class of kids working, playing and learning together every day.

Loss of Income

Yep, you do save money on child care when you keep the kids at home, but more likely than not that saved money isn’t as much as the income you lose by extracting yourself from work.

How About Losing 1 Million Dollars?

That's the amount economists say the stay-at-home parent who relinquishes a career may lose about $1 million over the years., when you factor in benefits and pensions. Yee-ouch!

Housework and Child Care Can Be Boring and Frustrating

Okay, hold your tomatoes, don’t throw them just yet. I’m not saying parenthood is boring, I’m just saying the diaper changing and tackling endless loads of laundry can be tedious and wearisome. A lot of this is about personality. I know women (and guys) who gain a great deal of satisfaction from mopping the floor and wiping noses. But just because other parents enjoy it doesn’t mean you must as well. You have to be honest with yourself.

Okay, enough doom and gloom. Let’s move on to the positives of staying home.

Click here for PART 2: The Pros.

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Gangsta’ Muppets: 12 of the Best Kids Show/Rap Mash-Ups

The Worst Baby Products Ever (Part I)

Desert Island Disks – Kid Music Edition

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Obama's Friday Schedule: Tackle Global Economic Crisis, Parent-Teacher Meetings

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Michelle Obama wasn't kidding when she told Newsweek that her husband will continue to make his daughters, Sasha and Malia, a top priority, even as assumes the leadership of the free world. The Huffington Post has posted a copy of Obama's schedule for today, and the first item on the agenda is "parent teacher conferences at his daughters' school with his wife Michelle."

The schedule goes on to enumerate a list of duties that would make someone like, oh me, want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for the winter. In addition to a meeting with the Economic Advisory Board on today's dire economic news, Obama will hold a press conference, attend his daily intelligence briefing, make a slew of post-election political phone calls, and record the Democratic Radio Address. I have a feeling that those parent teacher conferences felt like a mini-vacation.

As any parent in a high stress job knows, taking time out to play with your kids or help with their homework is not only good for your children; it also keeps you grounded and happy. The Obamas seem to understand this more than anyone.

Photo: Celebrity Babies Blog

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They Say: How To Work From Home More Effectively

Kelly Mills — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Being a work-at-home mom has plenty of perks, like the flexibility to pick up the kid from school and the ability to do dentist's appointments and teacher conference days without begging a boss for the time off. But there's serious downsides too: As I detailed here, it's hard to escape from work when it stares at you 24-7; the household tasks beg for my time; and no one is paying me to surf the ol' 'net, though that doesn't stop me. So when I hear there's ways to be more productive at home, I think, "Yeah! Sign me up!"

Only after reading this, I'm skeptical. Not because these are terrible, but because it sounds a little like slapping a band-aid on top of a giant wound infected with flesh-eating strep.

The tips. 1. Clean up the clutter. Yeah, if I had time to do that I might actually wanna use that time to hit the five deadlines I'm behind on. 2. Move your desk so it's away from the door in a commanding position. Dude, you have a desk? I schlepp my laptop from surface to surface so I can do five things at once! Though I like the idea of my kid walking in as I swivel my chair around from behind my imposing oak desk. I should make her schedule an appointment for snack. 3. Get a plant. Oh god, one more thing to water and care for. No. Way. 4. Get good lighting. Uh, who has fluorescent lights in their house? 5. Move the TV out of the office. Right. I may not be the most disciplined person ever, but I don't actually watch TV during my "work" hours. The internet is another story, but if I get rid of my computer, I'm SOL for work.

Sorry, the feng shui fixes are not cutting it for a working mom with so much to do, so little time. Frankly, the best thing I could do for my productivity is probably lose the kid. Cough. Screw productivity.

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Baby Planners: Who Needs 'Em?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:58:00 GMT

During your pregnancy, would you have paid $250 to have someone walk you through Babies R’ Us, pointing out the must-have products? Or $500 to have someone plan your baby shower? How about $200 to have your home babyproofed?

These are just some of the services offered by baby coordinators, the latest advent in the commercialization of parenting. While I am all for easing the stress that can come with expecting a baby, I am definitely NOT for teaching mothers that having disposable income is the only way to do this. Shouldn’t friends or family be the ones helping parents-to-be make these important decisions? Or, perhaps more importantly, shouldn’t expectant parents learn to trust their own parenting instincts?

I worry that baby planning promises to be just one more trend that will make mothers feel not good enough—“You mean you didn’t hire a baby planner?!”

And in case the commercialization factor doesn’t bother you, perhaps the sexist element will: many baby planning companies also offer “daddy preparation.” Because those silly men don’t know a thing about babies!

Photo: The Boston Globe

Should Moms Be Paid to Stay Home with their Kids?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:45:00 GMT

Australia’s senior child policy official is convinced the answer is yes. Gillian Calvert is encouraging the Rudd government to pay women to stay home for the first two years of their baby’s life.

Calvert argues that babies’ brain development can be impaired if their mothers work early in their lives, disrupting the normal connections between mother and baby. For instance, Calvert argues, “Because a baby finds the stimulus of its mother’s voice pleasurable, it turns towards the sound; if the experience is aversive, the baby will avoid the experience.”

Sounds to me like that’s an argument against leaving your children with abusive caretakers. I would hope that babies enjoys more voices than just their mother’s—say, oh I don’t know, maybe their dad’s? Or grandparents'? It’s even possible that the voice of a loving babysitter does not make babies turn away in disgust.

Still, I can think of quite a few mothers who would love to get paid to stay home with their children. But I can think of quite a few fathers who would like the exact same thing.

Photo: Mercola

The U.S. of A: Fertility Capital of the World

Jen Chaney — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 12:33:00 GMT

If you've got at least 20 minutes to spare and a few cups of coffee to drink, take some time to read this week's cover story in the New York Times Magazine. The subject: The fact that the birth rate in Europe is declining so drastically, particularly in places like Italy and Greece, that the world may run out of Europeans in the not-too-distant future.

Personally, I zeroed in on the portion of the story that attempts to explain why America's birth rate is higher than pretty much everywhere else in the developed world. (This section is located on page six of the online version, for those of you reading along at home.) Several potential explanations are offered, but Carl Haub of the Population Reference Board believes the most significant factor may be -- and do try not to spit up your coffee as you're reading -- the flexibility that exists in the American workplace. "An American woman might choose to suspend her career for three or five years to raise a family, expecting to be able to resume working; that happens far less easily in Europe," the story notes.

It also notes that, compared with some European nations, office culture here is allegedly more open to flexible hours. It's an interesting point. In general, I think American companies have made great strides in this area in the past decade. More of my friends now have at least partial work-from-home situations that make it easier for them to manage parenthood. But on the whole, I feel like we still have a long way to go.

Maybe I see things the way I do because I work in a particularly competitive industry (media) in a particularly ambitious town (Washington, D.C.). But even though some companies make huge efforts to accommodate the needs of parents, it still seems to me that we are a very career-focused culture, so much so that making time to spend with kids, much less have more of them, is an enormous challenge. In fact, the very technology that allows so many of us the flexibility to work from home also means that it's next to impossible to fully unplug and disconnect from our offices. I'm also not convinced that it's that easy for women to exit and re-enter the work force, either.

One thing that the U.S. government doesn't do to simplify life for parents: Provide subsidies for daycare or payments for the birth of a child. In Norway, the government doles out 4,000 euros when a family has a new addition. And the village of Laviano, Italy, where the birth rate is particularly low, may soon recommit to a previous plan -- offering 10,000 euros, or about $15K, to any woman who conceives and raises a child there. (Hell, for $15,000, I'll stop writing this post and try to make a baby right now.)

Obviously America doesn't need to resort to such dire measure since we seem to have plenty of kids to go around. The bigger question: Are the experts in this article right about what makes our population in the U.S. continue to grow? Is it the flexibility and the attitude that both moms and dad need to share the responsibilities of parenting? Is it that moms can take breaks from their careers without consequences? Is it something ingrained in our culture, with all its talk of "family values"? Or is it door No. 3: Americans just like to get it on like jack rabbits?

Dads Get Screwed For Staying At Home--Just Like Moms!

Kelly Mills — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Here's a problem many women who took a break from working outside the home to be with the kids have faced for a while: How to explain the blank space on the resume? The fact that being a SAH parent isn't given much respect, and the unfair impression some employers have that it means you aren't serious about your career have meant women have had a harder time breaking back into the paid workforce. But hey, problems like this aren't just for the ladies anymore. Ain't equal treatment grand?

With increasing numbers of dads opting out to raise the pups, now some men are trying to explain that baking cupcakes for 22 kids and getting three children to soccer practices means they can prioritize well and multi-task. And interestingly, many of the guys are hoping to find inroads along the path former SAHM's have blazed. I think very few people get less respect than the excellent SAHDs out there. Men who leave the workforce are still considered especially suspect to some employers, so guys have had to do things like maintain a side business and do volunteer jobs to keep a tight resume. Maybe the best bet for the guys is to find a hiring person who understands--like a mom who stayed at home for a few years to raise her kids.

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Women Not Having It All

Women Not Having It All, Having It All, Had Enough

Kelly Mills — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Meg Wolitzer has a new novel called "The Ten-Year Nap". It's about moms, mostly moms who left the workforce to stay at home with kids. It sounds good, and she says, "In fiction, stay-at-home moms have often been [subject to] mockery, and I think it's very sexist: the stay-at-home mother whose children are oversubscribed, who has reduced her entire brain to trivial things." We can totally use some better depictions of SAHMs. But I have to speak to the fact that once again, we are gonna get a small wave of "Can women have it all?" headlines and I'm over it.

'Kay, look, I'm going to answer the question of whether women can have it all: It depends. I mean, we aren't having a giant collective female experience here, are we? So some moms have to go back to the workforce whether they want to or not, while others can't wait to get back, and still more choose to be home with the kids full time. I know some SAHMs who partly made their decision based on the fact their jobs were low-paying and tiring (like teaching) and they preferred being at home, not just because they wanna be with the kids. I know moms who found being at home with the kids was so not for them. And I know moms who like their jobs and made choices based on the fact that their careers don't allow for much of a break.

I know moms who went back to their careers after the kids went to school, who work from home, who have part-time jobs, who work two jobs, who care for several kids, who are single, and who are the breadwinner with a partner staying at home. You know, not everyone has a really fulfilling career, mom or not. Not everyone finds parenting fulfilling. And things change over time for people. Whether or not you can "have it all" probably depends on what you want, and where you are, and I bet the answer to that question is different for everyone.

Look, I'm irritated because the "have it all" stick is used to beat women for selfishly wanting things or passively not wanting things. It implies that women want too much; and yet asserting that women can have it all ignores that many women are going to have to make a few trade-offs along the way. Rather than get into that, could we get equal pay and better childcare and a little respect for our individual choices? Thanks ever so much.

Older Moms Do It Better

Kelly Mills — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:31:00 GMT

If you follow this sort of thing, you know that older moms have been lambasted in the media lately because of the drop in fertility and the fact that they have a higher risk of birth defects and miscarriage, blah blah blah. There's been some members of the medical community and a couple of female columnists exhorting women to stop waiting so long to have kids, saying ladies should maybe settle for a less-than-great mate in order to spawn early and safely or risk being alone and childless. Those wicked older moms. Why, a group of mothers hasn't been this villified since...um, single moms?

Lowri Turner is mad and she isn't gonna take this crap anymore. She argues, among many other things, that perhaps there ought to be more attention paid to the dearth of suitable guys available to women in their thirties, rather than picking on the ladies. Now let's review. If you wait until you are ready to have kids and that doesn't happen until your late thirties and early forties, you are selfish. If you opt to have a kid without a guy, you are selfish, and so are lesbian moms. However, women should all want to have children, otherwise you are selfish, and you should find some whatever dude and have kids early--but not too early, teen moms are selfish. Oh, be careful, because once you have kids, both going back to work to pursue a career and getting a divorce from your husband are selfish too.

Wow, it almost feels like there's a kind of myth of the perfect family with a stay-at-home young mom who sacrifices all for her kids but finds motherhood completely fulfills her. And the criticism of anything else is targeted solely at women. Why, it's like women are being singled out because of their sex. Oooh, I know! We could call this phenomenon, "sexism."

What Does This Generation of Moms Want?

Kelly Mills — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:39:00 GMT

There's about a thousand headlines trying to define what moms of this generation want. Do we hope to return to the domestic spheres of the 1950's housewives (as has been reported), or are we career-minded? Do we care about our jobs or our kids? And one writer says we don't know what we want. When she works fulltime she can't wait to be home with family, but when she is on maternity leave she finds she hates staying at home. She gets a work-from-home freelance career but misses office action, and when she goes back to the office she chafes at the set hours that make her miss her kids. In short, women of this day and age have no idea what they want. What they really, really want.

I actually know what women want. Every woman really wants...A pony. Can I have a pony? A nice Shetland?

Sigh. If I had to hazard a crazy guess, I'd venture that women really want to feel fulfilled and satisfied at whatever they do whenever they are doing it, be it time with kids or the office grind or the freelance life. They'd also like financial security and crap like that. And that it's hard to balance many priorities, and the balance probably looks different for different people, making it impossible to (gasp) find one way to define an entire group of women, except with very broad strokes. I don't mean to Myspace the party here, but I'd also guess men want the same damn thing. It's a generation of people wanting to feel like they are engaged in meaningful things, which of course makes us sooooo very different from previous generations. It's just that our choices were more limited in the past, but I'd be surprised to find we have become suddenly impossible to please.