Strollerderby : childrearing

Pregcellent: Vacant Womb For Rent

Kelly Mills — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 22:33:00 GMT

First off, I'd like to say that anyone who goes into being a surrogate strictly for the money has chosen a very challenging way to make a buck, because being pregnant is no picnic. But as this Newsweek article on the lives of surrogates points out, many women are also motivated by a desire to help others and to contribute something meaningful to the lives of couples who want kids. And the stereotype of the rich woman who wants a baby but not the stretch marks and thus hires a surrogate is strange also, since I can't imagine what would be more challenging than entrusting another person with your offspring before they are even born. So I doubt that one is founded much in reality either.

The article, which chronicles the stories of a number of women who became surrogates, touches on the controversies surrounding the practice, and there are many. There's the issue of maternal rights, and the fact that most surrogacy contracts aren't binding in many ways. There's the issues that come with one person in essence renting out their body, and the questions around what makes someone a parent, DNA or gestation or actual childrearing. Surrogacy is banned in much of Europe, and stereotypes about surrogates abound. Interestingly, many surrogates are military wives with husbands overseas. The article is worth checking out, if only because it makes you think hard about what it means to be a mother.

When Junior Says No To College

Amy S.F. Lutz — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 22:02:00 GMT

Only two-thirds of graduating high school seniors will be attending college next September - which leaves a lot of disappointed parents wringing their hands, wondering what they did wrong, why their kids want to publically humiliate them by starting down a path that seems to lead to entrepreneurial superstardom, but really leads to McDonald's. MSNBC has some suggestions how to handle this kind of announcement, but I already know what I'll do if one of my kids tries to jump off the education train at 18:

Erika: Mom, I've decided college just isn't for me.

Me: As if.

E: Seriously, Mom. I'm going to move to L.A. to be an actress/open a health food store with my boyfriend/earn millions helping this Nigerian prince transfer his fortune to an American bank.

Me: As IF.

E: Seriously, Mom. It's my life and my decision.

Me: AS if.

E: Will you please stop saying that?

Me: Will you please shut up and go to college where you belong?

E: Fine.

But for those of you with no pre-prepared strategy, as I have, here are the suggestions of the so-called experts:

1. Be open-minded. Only about 30% of jobs today actually require a bachelor's degree (read: 100% of the good jobs). And if your child isn't interested in one of those jobs, why spend a fortune on tuition? Especially when there's no guarantee that freshmen will come out with a diploma, even if you fork over the $30,000 a year PLUS room and board: college drop-out rates, by some estimates, are as high as 45%.

2. Encourage kids to take a year off before college. If you suspect your child is just feeling burnt out after spending her entire life in school, suggest she take some time to travel or work before attending college. If you're afraid your baby might just use that time to goof off, there are structured programs that provide opportunities for internships or volunteerism.

3. Don't confuse what's best for you with what's best for your child. (But know that college IS what's best for your child).

And if all this fails, feel free to use my strategy. Look how far it got Alicia Silverstone.

Why Tweens are Too Young for a Brazilian Wax

Madeline Holler — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Jeez, I can think of a million reasons, the first of which: is there anything to wax?

The other 999,999 reasons … come on. I know we’re sexualizing girls at younger and younger ages, but 10? Waxing her pubes?

Apparently, you're never too young for this Australian website, read by girls aged 9 to 14. In an article about Brazilian waxing, they try hard to make the case:

So why does it appeal. Nobody really likes hair in their private regions and this removes it.

In another article (yes, more than one on the site), there's this description of what exactly happens. The good news is, I feel like this might deter all but the most goaded young kids.

Wax is smeared onto the mons, the cloth is pressed into place...then they turn the music up loud...rrripppp. It's quite normal for the waxer to throw your legs over their shoulder, or ask you to moon them so they can get the strays. The waxer then goes over your red bits with a pair of tweezers to pluck out recalcitrant strands.

Why does “pluck out recalcitrant strands” make me cross my legs?

One Australian writer, appalled by the notion that some celebrate getting rid of the just-grown hairs of adolescence, gives us a rundown of how things are going in the land of kiddie hair removal. (And you say marketers aren't savvy.)

As a cosmetic pharmaceutical company, Nair is obliged to reinvent normal bodily functions as problems with handy product solutions. And the Australian arm of the company has claimed its target audience is slightly older, in an attempt to distance itself from the US campaign, which involves phrases such as "Pretty isn't a look. It's a feeling," "Nair will leave your skin smooth and totally touchable!" and this pearler from Stacey Feldman, vice-president for marketing at Nair's parent company, Church & Dwight: "When a girl removes hair for the first time, it's a life-changing moment."

Life-changing, indeed! Now, about teaching girls the proper names for body parts, better add “mons” to the list so the little tykes know exactly what they're getting in to.

Where's the Love? Why Gen X Parents Complain About Raising Kids

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:57:00 GMT

People often complain that modern parents are overly negative. Unlike our mythical pioneer predecessors who birthed in fields while churning butter and washing clothes in buckets, we like to jaw about sleep deprivation and post-partum depression while sipping lattes and driving around in air conditioned cars. We also love to describe (in gory detail) good reasons not to have kids, the deceptive pre-kid fantasies that lure us into making babies, and the frequent problems associated with parenting young children. Why all this fuss over something that has been going on since time immemorial? Are we just wimpy pessimists so wrapped up in our own narcissism that we can't make time for a wee stinky person? Worse still, are we so busy "being real" about our struggles we're missing all the wonderful things about raising kids?

Our generation came of age during Watergate and skyrocketing divorce rates. To say we're somewhat suspicious of holly lolly happiness is probably an understatement. But to dismiss our cynicism as indicative of a true lack of joy is also a mistake.

Much of what is written (here at Babble for example) assumes readers can tell the difference between silliness and real commentary about the deep existential problems of parenting. Do we sometimes err on the side of covering the gritty underbelly of raising kids? Probably. But is there some real value in these discussions? Absolutely.

Our particular generation's approach to describing parenting is more a reaction against ninny saccharine "raising children is the most amazing joy you'll ever feel. EVER!" than an indication that we can only describe the parenting experience as the glass half empty.

Most of us, underneath our suspicion and sleep deprivation are consistently amazed at our capacity to love (see? cue muzak) and work hard and sacrifice for our children. My daughter often tells me she loves me "bigger than the world" and honestly I couldn't describe my feelings any better.

Why Should Adoptive Kids Feel Grateful?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sun, 27 May 2007 12:45:00 GMT

Anti-racist parent bloggers ask the question: Why should adoptees be grateful? Author Margie Perscheid summarizes this way: I believe the mainstream views adoption through a lens of charity. People who have plenty are encouraged to give - and the poor are conditioned to be grateful.

Those who receive charity (adoptees) are meant to feel gratitude. Children, no matter how they come into our lives owe us no debt of gratitude at all. Parents who wait around to feel deeply thoughtfully appreciated for choosing to make a family with their children, are in for a long, hard, disappointing wait.

Kids who are adopted owe no more gratitude to their parents than biological children. And to think otherwise will create a poison environment of resentment between parent and child.

[vis Anti-Racist Parent]

Bad Parents? Join the Big Ol' Club.

Kelly Mills — Thu, 24 May 2007 13:14:00 GMT

According to this column in the Washington Post, if you had a dysfunctional childhood, you are definitely not alone. In a study of middle-class couples in California, 75 percent said they had a very difficult childhood. Lots of those folks are still pissed about it, and wish they could have traded in their parents for a better set. The key to moving beyond the messed-up upbringing, according to study author Cowan, is to say, "'They were doing the best they could. They didn't know any better..." Those who can forgive the 'rents are more successful in their current grown-up relationships.

So yeah, if your folks did a poor job, you can still move on and recover from the experience. But what does this mean for us as parents? I saw a couple take-aways in this. If you are freaking out about the longterm damage of whatever issue is currently up (preschool hitting, sleep training, pacifier dependency, whatevah) it's probably time to settle down and know everything will be okay. As I told myself more than once, "If the worst thing my kid has to report in therapy is that she slept in a crib, I am so stoked." There's trauma and there's trauma. Let's not confuse the two.

And if you somehow manage to do every single thing perfectly, your child will be in a tiny little minority of well-adjusted people. He or she may find it a lonely place. What's he going to complain about when the other people start in on the "my freaky mother" stories? How is she going to develop empathy if nothing bad ever happens to her? Besides, quirky, neurotic people with dark pasts are interesting. If we all turn out super-happy kids, it could spell the end of rock music as we know it. Too many well-adjusted people is a recipe for non-stop Bee Gees. I sure as hell don't want that on my head.

Twins Need to Spend Time Apart: Grandma Knows Best?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Fri, 18 May 2007 17:11:00 GMT

Grandparents are a blessing. An exhausting, irritating, fabulously joyful blessing. And there are so many of them. With so many opinions. Take the example of the nice grandma who opines about the importance of her twin grandchildren spending time apart.

Her intrepid adviser encourages her to talk "frankly" with the twins' mom (her daughter) about the importance of treating each twin individually and blah blah blah.

Here's the thing about grandparenting that's fabulous: It's not parenting. Grandparents who do their job well refrain from opinion-giving unless the absolute essential health and welfare of the grandkids is involved.

And by the way the three-year old twins in this story who the grandma complains never spend time apart, probably don't have individual activities yet because their parents are so overwhelmed just keeping things together day by day. Back off, grandma, have some compassion!