Strollerderby : christmas tree

Toddler Injured in Xmas Tree Fight Between Mom and Grandma

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and put your irritation with your mother-in-law on hold—particularly when it’s Christmas Eve, your toddler is in the room, and you’re wielding a large Christmas tree like a weapon.

A 21-month-old is in the hospital after receiving a serious eye injury during a tussle between her mother and her grandmother over a four-foot-tall Christmas tree, over which they each claimed ownership. (It really is amazing how often Christmas becomes a time to completely obliterate the Christmas spirit.) The holiday did not begin auspiciously for the family, as they were celebrating in a motel after a fire forced them out of their home.

The mother, Sandra Price, is being held on charges of reckless conduct, and it is not yet clear whether or not her daughter will lose sight in her eye.

Photo: thetelegraph.com

Letter to Santa: Make My Relative Stop Touching Me

Most Tasteless Tree Ornament Ever

Miriam Axel-Lute — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 20:00:00 GMT

"Protect our troops - from the womb to the war. What if the fetus you were going to abort would grow up to be a soldier bringing democracy to a godless dictatorship?"

I think it says something about the general state of the anti-abortion movement and who they have let speak for them that when I saw this unborn soldier ornament, I was fully prepared to believe that it was in fact being offered by a pro-life group in all earnestness.

In fact, as the site kindly explains in a "note to confused": "This is a real product, from a real site. The product is a satire, but it is also a real product - FOR SALE." Roger that. Ixnay on the free unborn soldier ornaments. And satire. Right. Of course.

Not a statement for the parental set to make though, I figure. Try explaining to your kid why this particular bit of satire is hanging on your tree between the snowflakes and little drummer boys . . . Ouch.

The only question is whether anyone who misses the satire is buying them in earnest. I guess they wouldn't likely be shopping at MissPoppy.com, purveyor of "the finest alternative Christian products to the saved and unsaved alike," including buttons that say "Jesus was so gay!" holy family rubber duckies, and bible tracts disguised as dropped wallets with cash sticking out.

(hat tip: Boing Boing, via Mind Pollution).

More by this author:

Banana Wieners and the 10 Other Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 2)

Cole Gamble — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Celeb 4 A Day

For somewhere between $250 and $1,500 this company will give your child the celeb treatment, including screaming fans, paparazzi, limousines and bodyguards. If you ever fretted your child would never have the opportunity to get mentally warped like a child star, here’s a great way to make up for it.

Houdini Action Figure

Have fun explaining to your kid who Houdini is. “Whaddya mean ya don’t know Houdini? Why he was the real McCaw, sonny boy. Twenty-Three Skidoo!”

Pet Rock

No, you can’t buy the Pet Rock in stores anymore, but you can always grab a rock out of your backyard, toss it in a shoe box and call it a day. I bring up the Pet Rock now because the story behind it is an interesting one. Ad Exex Gary Dahl thought up the idea of tossing rocks into a box and calling it a pet back in 1975. The Pet Rock became a short-lived fad, only selling for six months, but in that six months Dahl sold 5 million of the rocks for $3.95 each. Because of the low cost of the product (they are rocks); Gary pocketed 3 bucks on each sale, which netted him $15,000,000 in only six months. That equates to $56,166,419.02 today. The moral of the story: I hate Gary Dahl.

Trailer Trash Doll

Please don’t give this to your child. Please don’t.

M134 7.62mm Minigun

I thought I’d end the list with something obscenely dangerous. What you are looking at, ladies and gentlemen, is a BB gun. Yes, the gun that shot Ralphie’s eyes out. This particular air gun is exactly modeled after a real military gun. Instead of bullets, this baby shoots 6mm BBs from a 3,000 round magnum. You could literally fight a small nation with one of these, or take on a horde of murderous, but honorable aliens (Predator reference, sorry). Why this would be considered a toy for anyone any age is a mystery.

Having said that…OH MY GOD THAT LOOKS SO AWESOME!

Go Back to Part 1

More by this author:

A Guy’s Take on Stay at Home Moms and Dads (Part 1: The Cons)

Banana Dildos and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

Skinny Jeans for Little Boys?

Desert Island Disks – Kid Music Edition

Gangsta’ Muppets: 12 of the Best Kids Show/Rap Mash-Ups

The Worst Baby Products Ever (Part I)

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

Worst Santa Photos of All Time - Post Yours

Cole Gamble — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:30:00 GMT

This came to me on a recent visit to the mall santa.

Moments before this picture my son was skittering about with a broad smile on his face. And then this happened. Satan always chooses the most inconvenient times to possess your child. Believe it or not, this was the best picture of the bunch.

Then I scoped the Internet for some more tasty pics and came up with these:

Ever place a restraining order against Santa?

What you don't know about this picture is Santa's legs are made of molten lava.

Santa is doing this as part of his community service.

Now it's your turn. I've started a Babble Playground group for you to post your bad Santa picture. You'll find the group HERE.

Merry Creepy Christmas!

A Guy’s Take on Stay at Home Moms and Dads (Part 1: The Cons)

Banana Dildos and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

Letter to Santa: Make My Relative Stop Touching Me

Skinny Jeans for Little Boys?

Desert Island Disks – Kid Music Edition

Gangsta’ Muppets: 12 of the Best Kids Show/Rap Mash-Ups

The Worst Baby Products Ever (Part I)

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

Banana Weiners and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

Cole Gamble — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Good Night Behavior Modification Light

If the term “Behavior Modification” doesn’t already have you scared, you must have thought A Clockwork Orange was a romantic comedy. Okay, so the Good Night Sun/Moon light isn’t big brother. It is a device intended to tell your child when they should stay in bed and when they should get up by alternately showing a moon and then a sun. I actually have a device just like this at home. It’s called the ACTUAL MOON AND SUN. Besides, the moon phase of this gizmo is supposed to warn your child to stay in bed. I don’t want my child to feel threatened by a psychotically smiling moon. That’s what I buy clowns for.

Banana Bunker

This is the gift that says, “Hey son, don’t have another mutilated banana for lunch again! Take this to school and let the kids mutilate you instead!”

Military Forward Command Post

Hold up, buddy. Despite what you think, this is no doll house for boys! This is a bombed out house made into a makeshift battle HQ in some far off distant land. Problems with this toy:

1) You know this began its life as a Barbie Dream house a couple of uninspired toy designers took to the parking lot and kicked the s#@* out of.

2) With a couple of wars raging in the real world, is now really the time to be selling war toys? Especially ones that open childrens’ eyes to the grim realities of real life warfare, such as operating out of bombed out civilian homes?

3) Um, where did the family who used to live there go?

Headless Teddy Bear Lamp

Why waste the 60 British Pounds on this disturbing piece? Just grab your kid’s favorite teddy bear, decapitate it and shove a lamp down its grizzly neck. “Look what daddy made you!” Maybe your kid will surmise all dead things get turned into furniture, which will lead to the question, “Did our new sofa used to be grandpa?”

FurReal Friends Animatronic Puppy

So instead of getting your daughter a puppy you got her a robot. A creepy, crappy robot. “Sorry we couldn’t get you a puppy, dear. We just don’t think a real puppy would like you. Please pour your heart into this lifeless simulation that will never, ever return your affection.” And don’t get me started on the Robot Puppy Uprising and Apocalypse that will surely ensue.

Continue to Part 2

More by this author:

A Guy’s Take on Stay at Home Moms and Dads (Part 1: The Cons)

Banana Dildos and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

Skinny Jeans for Little Boys?

Desert Island Disks – Kid Music Edition

Gangsta’ Muppets: 12 of the Best Kids Show/Rap Mash-Ups

The Worst Baby Products Ever (Part I)

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

Church Christmas Tree Sales Operation Shut Down

Shannon LC Cate — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:08:00 GMT

A Methodist Church in Montgomery County Maryland had its Christmas tree fundraiser shut down after an anonymous source tipped off the police that the church was selling the trees before 5 December. Selling Christmas trees earlier than that date has been illegal in Montgomery County for several decades, but the church--which holds this fundraiser every year and has for many years--was unaware of the law.

No one will admit to knowing why the law was originally enacted, but there's motivation now to get it changed. As of today, the church's operation is legal again and sales have commenced.

What I'd like to know is who called the cops?

Son Attacks Dad with Yuletide Cheer

SunnyChanel — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:49:00 GMT

Sometimes when your child doesn’t get their way, they’ll pout, hold their breath or throw an epic sized tantrum. But when kids get older they possess more of an ability to utilize actual objects, in a variety of shapes and sizes, to show their rage. Now that holidays are upon us, ‘tis the season for family issues to rise to the surface. And really, there isn’t a more appropriate item to brandish as a weapon than the symbol of the season, a Christmas tree.

In Parrish, Florida, the AP reported that a 37-year-old west Florida man, who still lives with mommy and daddy, attacked his father with some yuletide ~~cheer~~ fear in the form of a Christmas tree. I should mention that the tree was of the mini 3-footer variety, but after the tree missed he tried to damage dad with the cold hard steel base of the tree. The parents were able to retrain him and the cops were called. The son was booked on a felony assault charge. Guess who’ll be getting coal in his stocking this year?

Source

White House Sends Chanukah Card With Christmas Tree On It

Brett Singer — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:00:00 GMT

The Bush family really can't win these days.

Not only is the sitting President receiving blame for Republican losses on Election Day, but first lady Laura is getting flak for a farkakteh (pronounced "fuh-kahk-tuh") Chanukah card that had a picture of a Christmas tree on it.

While its fun to make fun of this kind of thing, I have to admit that I don't really care. It certainly is a mistake and shows certain cluelessness on the part of the First Lady's staff, or at least a lack of organizing skills (shouldn't someone have looked at the card first?). But this isn't exactly Hunter Gibson (Mel's dad) denying that the Holocaust actually happened. Also, the card didn't have a picture of the Baby Jesus on it. It was just a tree. (For the record, apologies were quickly offered. Faces, already covered with egg, were red. Feet were in mouths.)

So was it a bit dense for the White House to send a Chanukah card that didn't have a Chanukah image on it? Sure. But is it really that offensive? I don't think so. I'm Jewish, and I happen to like Christmas trees. That's a topic for another post, but for now, I'm not ready to add CardGate to the list of Bush Administration screw-ups.

Source: NY Post via HuffPo

Make Your Own Religious Doll

Daughter's Homework Assignment Leads to Presidential Pardon for Dad

First Black President Triggers Rise in Hate Crimes

Alex Rodriguez Writing Love Poems To Madonna

Will The First Granny Move To The White House?

World Famous Atheist To Write Children's Book

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Beer

makeitadouble — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 14:28:00 GMT

Did it finally happen? Did the annual tradition of driving to the Christmas Tree Lot in sub-freezing weather, haggling with an off-season Carny about the price of the tree, strapping a Douglas Fir to the roof of your sub-compact like a deer carcass and vacuuming needles from your carpet until St. Patrick’s Day cause you to chug all the wassail you were saving for the wassailers for when they came a-wassailing? Ask yourself:

If you were one of the Wise Men would you have brought Koch’s Golden Anniversary instead of gold? Do you care more about Silver Bullets than about Silver Bells? Is your idea of Rankin Bass judging how well the bartender pours the first layer of your black and tan? Are the only lights you have around the house the cans of Coors littering the coffee table? Are you planning to have The 12 pack of Christmas instead of The 12 Days of Christmas? Have you ever used the phrase, “You can’t spell Noel without OE.”? Is your holiday spirit 10% alcohol by volume?

If you answered yes to all, any or none of those questions then I may just have the Christmas Tree for you. Behold the Beer Bottle Christmas Tree; and though Kelly warned us yesterday about how our traditional Holiday Decorations may be death traps the only way I can see the Beer Bottle Christmas Tree killing anybody is through alcohol poisoning. Well that and when the tree falls over and shards of glass severe your carotid artery, duh. So perhaps building a tree made from empty Grolsch bottles isn’t the best idea with children around, but then again nor is emptying hundreds of Grolsch Bottles with children around.

Who am I kidding though? The only empties I have enough of around the house to assemble a Christmas Tree with are Pediasure containers, baby food jars and bottle liners. *Sigh* …alright kids, grab the rope, pile into the Civic and remember, Cooder may look scary but he’s harmless.

(Photo Credit: www.uncrate.com)

Canezilla: The Candy Cane Massacre of 2006

thezeroboss — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 22:47:00 GMT

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I know this, not by the wreath on our door or the giant Noble Fir in our living room, but by the color of my son's tongue.

When we went to pick out the tree on Sunday, we grabbed some supplementary lights and ornaments, to replace those that had become lost or trashed since last December 25th. My wife told each of the kids that they could pick out a box - an entire fucking BOX, folks - of candy canes. This, in spite of the numerous sideways "you're killing me" glances I shot her behind our four kids' backs.

The kids bought their canes. They hung them dutifully on the tree. And then, two hours later, the totally expected happened: I found Luka, our three-year-old, crouched in a corner, his mouth dyed green and blue from however many Jolly Ranchers canes he had managed to cram down his gullet before I outed him. I found at least three wrappers, but that means nothing; judging by how long it took to settle him down that evening, three was merely an appetizer. Goddess only knows how many noble canes lost their lives that night at the hands of Canezilla.

Yeah, I know, simple solution: take the canes off the tree. But that's Christmas heresy. You might as well ask me to piss on the American flag while spitting on my mother's apple pie. I don't care how insane it is, those crack-sticks are staying on the tree even if it kills me.

And it damn well may.