Strollerderby : conflict resolution

Should You Defend Yourself When Strangers Question Your Parenting Abilities?

Jen Chaney — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:02:00 GMT

Hannah's thought-provoking post from earlier this week -- which asked if it's appropriate to intervene if you see a stranger hitting one of his/her kids -- got me to thinking about another, less violent scenario. What if you're out with your children, and a stranger questions your parenting skills? Should you defend yourself or walk away?

This question recently confronted a friend of mine. (And yes, it really happened to a friend. "Friend" is not code for me.) She was out with her three children at a big park/petting zoo sort of place. Another girlfriend and her kids were with her during the outing. My friend got preoccupied by something that was happening with her two older children and, somehow, her youngest toddled away from her.

Naturally, she panicked. She left the other two kids with her friend and raced around looking for her son. In two minutes' time, she found him not far away, looking at the goats (I think it was goats) near some other children and their parents. Relieved, she swept him up and returned to the rest of her brood and her friend.

At this point, some random woman who had observed most or all of what happened said to her, "You know, you should really do a better job of watching your kids."

Now, my friend was almost in tears and still trying to calm down from the terror, albeit brief, of losing her little boy. This woman's accusation particularly stung at that moment.

"I do watch my kids," she told the woman. "He just got away from me. It's happened to the best of us."

The other woman then continued yelling at her about how that's no excuse and it's her responsibility as a mother to keep track of where they are. My friend didn't say anything further, she just walked away. But the incident stuck, gnawing at her for the rest of the day and evening.

Her husband, who happens to be the most rational human being on the planet, tried to calm her down. "That woman probably yelled at five other people that day. She doesn't know you. She probably didn't even think about how her words would affect you. You shouldn't take it personally."

That's absolutely the right, mature response. But when you're a mother, and another mother basically tells you you suck -- especially at a time when you guilty for letting your child wander off -- it's kind of hard not to take that vitriol personally.

But what's the right thing to do? Should you defend yourself, or is it just wasting your breath to bother having a dialogue with somene who clearly gets off on being confrontational? Should you turn the accusatory attitude back on the instigator: "Instead of yelling at me, why don't you pay attention to your own kids?" Or should you tell a friend about the incident, hope she blogs about it, then see what that blog's readers have to say? (The right answer is clearly that last one.)

Should You Intervene When Strangers Hit Their Kids?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:00:00 GMT

The other day while walking in the park, I passed by a disturbing scene. An enraged mother was marching after her daughter, shouting, “You are going to get hit! You are going to get hit!” Her daughter looked about three years-old, and she was bawling. After trying in vain to run away from her mother, the little girl covered her head with her hands as her mother caught up to her and made good on her threat.

The mother’s anger was so violent that, as I walked away from this sad scene, even I felt a little frightened. I could only imagine how the woman's rage had affected her young daughter. As I walked home, I felt completely helpless. I wondered if I had done the right thing to simply walk away. How else, I asked myself, could I have responded? I felt pretty certain that alerting one of the park's police officers wouldn’t have helped; most likely the only outcome would have been to make both the mother and her daughter feel even more freaked out. And telling the mother not to hit her child would have only increased her rage—who was I to tell her how to raise her children?

I thought of a story my mom had told me recently about a friend of hers. While walking in a supermarket, a man had seen a mother forcefully hit her small child, who kept reaching out for food items from her seat in the grocery cart. The man gently approached the mother, and made a sympathetic comment to the effect of, “I know how hard it can be with young children. It feels like they just won’t listen.” As the man spoke about his own difficulties with parenting, the mother started crying. “I know I shouldn’t hit her,” she said, “and I try not to. But it's so hard.” They spoke for a long time about other ways to discipline children. The mother was at her wit’s end, and really needed someone to simply ask if she was okay.

I hope the next time I encounter a child being mistreated, I am brave enough to try out this method of honest engagement. Has anyone ever tried confronting an enraged parent in this, or any other, way?

Photo: Spiritual Reseach Foundation

Controversy: Saying No To Grandma (And Grandpa)

Amy S.F. Lutz — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:02:00 GMT

If you want to laugh out loud, make sure you check out the comments on Madeline's "Granny Manual" post. Madeline invited readers to vent about their intrusive or misguided parents or inlaws (inevitably the inlaws - why is that always the case???), and over 50 readers took her up on it.

Here's my question: obviously, many of us have to deal with unwanted advice or gifts (I was amazed by how many moms complained about, as Amy put it, "toys from Dollar General, the Kmart clearance aisle, JoAnn Fabrics, and other locations notorious for selling cheap, lead-paint laden toys" - my own MIL is partial to CVS). Has anyone figured out the magic words that are strong enough to be convincing, but not strong enough to offend? Or do you just bite your lip and live with it?