Strollerderby : coparenting

Gay Man and Straight Woman Choose to Parent Together

Miriam Axel-Lute — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:24:00 GMT

Terry Finnegan and Selina Evans seemed to everyone in their childbirth classes to be a normal couple. But there were a few things their fellow expectant parents didn't know: like, Terry is gay and the two met online because they each wanted kids and weren't sure how it was going to happen (Selina was divorced and didn't want to be a single mom). They became close friends, drew up a "baby contract," Selina used a "donation" from Terry to inseminate, and now they are ecstatic new parents, talking about moving in together, but needing to get a place large enough to have their own rooms.

It was fun to read about, but honestly, I'm not even sure why an arrangement like this is news any more. Quads made up of two gay men and two lesbians have been doing versions of this for years. I knew a straight man who was not only the donor but also the active father for his queer best friends' kids. Parents who have fallen out of love/lust but are still friends raise kids together all the time.

After all, why do you need to be sleeping with someone to parent with them?

Most of the worries that are raised are so weak as to be laughable: "Some day Isabella will ask why mummy and daddy sleep in different bedrooms." Oh my. Please let all children never have to ask anything more troubling than that.

Even the idea that some day they would each find romantic partners and she might have three dads is a bit ho-hum. Like, um, umptyskillion children of divorce everywhere? Except without the breaking apart of the family first? And with a written contract that stipulates responsibilities and priorities? It would be a change, true, but its effects would all be in the handling. (It should be noted also that they are both very clear on putting the kid and their role as parents first and not intending to introduce step-parents to the mix even if they date.)

Yes, of course there will be oddities and challenges. There are in every family. Such an arrangement wouldn't be for everybody. But as far as I can tell the most abnormal thing about these two is they have a five-month-old and didn't mention sleep deprivation once.

(Hat-tip Proud Parenting.)

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Strollerderby Playdate: Co-Parenting 101

Shannon LC Cate — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

The holidays can hit everyone hard. Yes it's a happy time; a time for joy and cheer and all that good stuff, but let's be honest, for many people the holidays are a challenge.

One of the factors in making for difficult holidays is divorce and shared child custody. If this is the case for you, I offer you a little gift: CoParenting101.Org, the website devoted to helping people co-parent as smoothly as possible after divorce or separation.

Deesha and Mike, the site's founders, are also exes who share custody of two children. Here's what they say about themselves and their site:

"After our marriage ended, we became the poster-children for divorce amongst our circle of friends and colleagues. We wished we could have been the poster children for successful marriage, but it didn’t work out that way…
In the wake of our divorce and despite the problems that ended our marriage, we have managed to establish a successful, congenial co-parenting relationship which allows our children to thrive and which causes those who know us to ask, “How in the world do you do it?”

The site is their answer to this question. Part advice column, part referral service, part inspirational support, co-parenting 101 offers tips like "the Ten Commandments of Co-parenting," handles tough issues like how to co-parent with an addict or an alcoholic and even offers a little levity via suggestions about how not to co-parent, as illustrated by Madonna.

I wish no one needed Deesha and Mike's wisdom, (and so do they) but I know that many, many folks will benefit from it.

10 Signs that Parenting is More Equal than it Used to be

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:56:00 GMT

While it is debatable whether truly equal parenting is common or just an impossible dream, there are signs that indicate the era of "Father Knows Best" or even "Mr. Mom" -- Look! That Man is Holding a Vacuum!!" are long gone. And good riddance!

Here are 10 common signs that co-parenting is on the upswing:

1. Diaper changing tables in the men's room - Because even Daddy changes diapers now, even though grandpa likely still won't.

2. Paternity leave - These days fathers are expected to take more than just a week or two off work when baby arrives. When patched onto the end of maternity leave, paternity leave is invaluable to most families.

3. Daddy takes a sick day - Fathers who in previous generations would rely on their wives to take sick days when the kids were ill, now use some of their time to take care of Billy's cold.

4. Doctors, dentists, and parent-teacher conferences - No longer solely the domain of mamas, it is wonderfully heartening to see so many Dads taking the lead in these previously mom-only domains.

5. Stay at home, daddy - If it's good enough for Brad Pitt, it's good enough for Mike Adamick and Gavin Rossdale (even though he might eschew daddydom for the tour). Primary caregiving isn't just for mommies anymore. And thankfully, we don't need any movies with Michael Keaton to prove to us how inept men are at domestic things.

6. Dad writes - Ever since Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath penned poems about mothering, the literary description of parenting has previously been mostly left to women. Thankfully that is now no longer the case. From beautifully written blogs like Sweet Juniper to funny writings at Dadcentric, the unique literary expression of fatherhood will never be ignored again.

7. Baby packs - Even 10 years ago, it was less common to see daddies hauling the little babies in the packs and slings and Bjorns. The most beautiful site is when Daddy carries new baby in the Bjorn, holds the hand of the toddler, while balancing a cell phone and carrying a bag of groceries. Welcome to my world!

8. Man bags - Many of them are "geared toward men" because they are made of ugly camouflage, but as long as none of us have to carry nylon diaper bags covered in teddy bears and baby bottles, it's all good.

9. Daddy ain't heavy - Daddy used to be the threat to insure good behavior. Most parents I know share the role of good cop/bad cop with the kids, so neither parent has to be consdered the heavy.

10. Dad is the new Mom - More and more women are the primary breadwinner and are happy to leave primary caretaking to the men. Even when Daddy doesn't stay home full-time, more men are taking the childrearing reins.

Strong Marriages Make Better Parents

Melissa Summers — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 13:36:00 GMT

Researchers at Ohio State University and the University of Illinois bring us this startling news. When dealing with a 'difficult' baby it's better for everyone if you and your partner don't use biting sarcasm and cutting put downs in order to communicate with each other.

You mean I wasn't supposed to say, "Oh no, no! Don't get up. I'll get up with the baby you just lay there and sleep and I'll change the diapers and feed her all night long."?

It wasn't helpful when he pointed out how "He never cries if you get to him before he's this upset. You can't just let him lay there crying or you'll never get him to calm down."?

Apparently there are better ways to communicate and get things done in a cooperative atmosphere which benefits both parents and children. According to the study of 97 couples in Illinois who were expecting a baby, couples with stronger relationships (according to the study's criteria) before the birth of their child were better able to cope with the challenges of a temperamental baby as co-parents. Couples whose relationship was less strong before the birth were more likely to be critical of each other in relation to their difficult baby.

Researchers also found that while the marital relationship and co-parenting relationship are related they are not the same. Some couples may have a great relationship but still be crappy co-parenters. Logan and I were great at co-parenting until around 4am at which point the gloves were off.