Strollerderby : cracked

Child Prodigies So Amazing They'll Make You Feel Bad About Yourself

Cole Gamble — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Children can be a wonder, a bottomless fount of new discover and surprise. They can also make you feel like you’re wasting your life. Kids these days are faster and smarter than their predecessors. Some same the greatest gift a parent can do for their child is to encourage them to improve on the generation before them. Why? Just so I can have a constant reminder of all my broken dreams while I stand in the shadow of my kid’s greatness? I, for one, am making sure that my children do not grow up to become more successful than I am, that way I’ll never have to utter the phrase “You think you’re better than me??!!” Just think how much less ackward Thanksgiving will be with my children knowing their rightful place, just slightly less magnificent than their father.

Cracked appears to agree and so they’ve offered this compliation of children so much smarter and talented than you it’ll drive you to drink.

Akrit Jaswal, Child Surgeon

Little Akrit performed his first surgery at the age of 7. Know what I was doing at seven? Eating glue. Today, at the rip age of 15, Akrit is India’s real-life answer to Doogie Howser. Still though, I’m not sure how comfortable I’d be with this mini doctor operating on my heart, what with all the twittering he’d be doing: “OMG, I M TTLY LOOKNG @ A BTNG HRT! SCORE!” If you didn’t feel bad enough, Akrit is claming he’ll cure cancer. Take a look at this letter addressed from an adult telling him not to.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Mozart learned to play the piano at age four and wrote his first symphony at age eight. Isn’t that precious? I just had to spell check the word “symphony” and I’m 31! Yes, Mozart was truly the Haley Joel Osment of his time. Except people still remember Mozart.

Click here for more.

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7 Classic Kid's TV Shows Clearly Conceived on (Bad) Acid

Cole Gamble — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:00:00 GMT

As we often noted before, we here at Babble find the people who create children’s entertainment are frequently deranged people. Fortunately, most of the time these mentally ill folk are able to suppress the demons long enough to make TV shows that are only slightly bizarre, like Blue’s Clues. But then again, sometimes these creators let loose the swirling vortex of crazy that lives in their heads (possibly liberated with some good drugs) and unleash their sideshow of horror upon all the precious children. Here are some examples of “kids” TV shows made by people who clearly were off their nut.

Slim Goodbody

Mr. Goodbody wants kids to learn about health by flashing his innards. Dear Mr. Slim, the average exhibitionist at least has the decency to travel in a trench coat. Okay, so maybe Slim Goodbody isn’t a pervert, he’s just a nude superhero.

Sigmund and the Sea Monsters

Take a look at this picture. Scared yet? Okay, you’re an adult, but imagine these things coming to life; what would your four-year-old’s reaction be?

Little Sigmund here looks like the contents of a salad bar dumpster come to life, and that’s not his only problem. The beginning of every episode reminds us that poor Sigmund received death threats from his abusive family in the prologue. Sweet. And this is all brought to you by Sid and Marty Krofft, the pair who’ve been gleefully bringing drug-addled nightmares to children since 1969.

The Osmonds

Follow the wacky adventures of a bunch of a family of globetrotting, horny Mormon boys. No, I’m not kidding; that’s the premise.

Check out the rest.

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Important news stories depicted by five year olds

Brett Singer — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 14:00:00 GMT

This list from Cracked is pretty good, but the title is not entirely accurate. These aren't actually news stories as depicted by 5 year olds, but rather news stories depicted by people who are attempting to think like 5 year olds. All are reader submissions for a contest, with the winner taking home 50 American dollars (personally, I would've held out for Euros.) In some ways the best part is that they asked entrants to create their comedy using Microsoft Paint. (OK, I'm a nerd, and I think that kind of thing is funny.)

Here are three that I found amusing:

For the full list (some of which are not really safe for work, and definitely not safe for most 5 year olds), click here.

Image/source: Cracked.com

Disturbing Origins of 5 Nursery Rhymes

Important news stories depicted by five year olds

Disturbing Origins of 5 Nursery Rhymes

Brett Singer — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:00:00 GMT

This list from Cracked is less about the origins of said nursery rhymes and more about telling us what "some experts say" about where these rhymes came from. For example:

Three Blind Mice:

This popular ditty is "already kind of disturbing on its own," but it takes on a whole new meaning if it's true that "The farmer's wife in the poem is an allusion to the 16th Century Queen 'Bloody' Mary I," and that the "three mice supposedly represent three noblemen who got together and said, 'Gee guys, maybe this Mary lady isn't all there.' and were consequently prosecuted for conspiring against the queen." Sounds like a warning against saying bad things about the government.

Georgie Porgie:

Rather than a story about, "Some playground creep who seemed to lose his balls at the sight of young men," some say that, "Georgie Porgie is…a caricature of George Villiers, the 1st Duke of Buckingham and hardcore pretty boy." Villiers apparently seduced King Charles I and earned the title, " Gentleman of the Bedchamber." "Georgie" Villiers exerted undue political influence over the King, and eventually Parliament stepped in and broke up the happy couple. Villiers didn't put up much of a fight, according to Cracked – he "ran away." (This one seems like a bit of a stretch, but I never really understood "Georgie Porgie" anyway, so I'll take this explanation.)

For three more, click here.

Source/image: Cracked.com

Disturbing Origins of 5 Nursery Rhymes

Important news stories depicted by five year olds

The Gruesome Origins of Five Fairy Tales

Brett Singer — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Cracked has gone from being a Mad magazine clone I used to read as a kid to one of the funniest web sites around.

Luckily, somebody on their staff must have children, or at least an unnatural fascination with child-related things. Here is the first of three lists they recently published, all of which deal with kid stuff.

First up: Gruesome Origins of Fairy Tales.

5. Little Red Riding Hood: Inter-Species Sex Play, Cannibalism

We all know the basics – little girl going to Grandma's house gets captured by wolf that is pretending to be Grandma, Woodsman shows up to save the day. According to Cracked, "the woodsman was a later addition to the tale. In the early versions of the story, Red and her Grandmother are dead. The. Goddamn. End." In addition, "Much earlier versions also liked to spice up the sexuality angle of the story, by having Red outwit the wolf by performing a striptease for him while he's lying in bed dressed as her Grandmother, and then running away while he's 'distracted'." Um, ew.

4. Snow White: Prince Pedophile, More Cannibalism

According to Cracked, Disney added the part where the wicked step-mom dies. But in the original Grimm version, "the step-mother is tortured by being forced to wear red-hot iron shoes, and made to dance until she falls down dead." So there.

For three more, click here.

Image/source: Cracked.com

Important news stories depicted by five year olds

The Gruesome Origins of Five Fairy Tales

The 6 Creepiest Marketing Campaigns Aimed at Children

Cole Gamble — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Our friends at Cracked have done it again, revealing the dark forces at work against our children. Among the evils preying upon our kids? Lucky Charms, Abercrombie and Fitch, Santa Claus and Rachel Leigh Cook.

So what terrible things are they telling our children?

Here are some highlights from the Cracked piece:

1 900 Santa Scam

This 900 number commercial asked kids to hold the phone up to the TV while the TV played touch tones that actually made the phone dial the number and let the phone bill crank into high gear.

Back to School Sleeping Pills

Rozerem, the sleep medication with Abraham Lincoln and a beaver in its ads, starting targeting its drug to kids. Or at least that’s the way it seemed. In 2006 they aired a commercial that stated, "Rozerem would like to remind you that it's back to school season" over images of school kids and classrooms and buses. No thanks, I’ll keep my kids off the drugs and stick to my tried and true method of getting them to sleep: booze. Always works for me.

Check out the whole article Here.

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6 Childbirth Terrors Reconsidered

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:04:00 GMT

Before having kids, changing soiled diapers can seem the height of childrearing hell. However, after becoming a hardened diaper-changer, all too glad to sit right back down to finish your goulash following a bad diaper encounter, this earlier concern seems irrelevant and a tad naive.

If you've never birthed or witnessed the birth of a baby mammal, Cracked's list of terrifying things about childbirth is much like this imagined diaper hell: Unnecessarily traumatic, though amusing.

Here are 6 childbirth terrors reconsidered:

1. Placenta - Yes the things you see in childbirth are strange and gooey, but mostly you'll be so amazed by the wonder of seeing a baby come out of your partner's body, or your own, and you won't even mind.

2. Episiotomies - Yes they hurt and they are often not necessary, but most lady bits heal right up nicely with enough rest and help (hint hint).

3. Feces - Poop happens during childbirth. It's not pretty either aurally or visually. Neither is the sweating, grunting, bleeding and gushing. But as for whether you'll really care that much, you'll have bigger things on your mind, cross my heart.

4. Alien-shaped baby heads - Babies birthed vaginally have heads shaped like aliens so they can fit through the birth canal. They are also covered in white goo. I promise you won't care one bit what your child looks like.. you'll think he/she is the most miraculously beautiful creature you've ever beheld.

5. Fetal monitors - They bleep and bluster and make all kinds of scary noises when the baby's heart beat decelerates during contractions. But rather than worry about Matrix-like fetal machinery, why not use your brain power to find a doctor with a low c-section rate, as he/she will most likely know not to regard fetal monitor noise as sufficient cause for panic.

6. The bill - True, the cost of hospital childbirth can be in the multiple thousands, even for those rare individuals lucky enough to have employer paid health insurance. But given all the money many of us have wasted on bad dates and uncomfortable shoes, paying the hospital bill for a baby is probably money well spent.

20 Disturbing Baby Products

Brett Singer — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:40:00 GMT

I freely admit to a bit of jealously with this link, since it would have been nice to come up with it myself. That said, we have hit on a few of these in the past, such as the infant high heels, and the Thudgard helmet. And I had a note to write about the Pee-Pee Teepee at some point because, like, it's called the Pee-Pee Teepee. So we're still pretty damn cutting edge over here.

Many of the items on this list are so wacko that they really should be fake – such as the strap on nursing apparatus for men. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Zaky® Infant Pillow

Cue the Addams Family theme – this thing is both creepy AND kooky, and yes, altogether ooky. Who the hell buys one of these?

Hamburger Baby Costume

This is just funny. Especially since it looks to be designed for infants who don’t' get around so well.

Manual Snot Sucker

First of all, the product name is "Nosefrida". Second, it's described as "hygienic" despite the fact that you are connecting your mouth to your baby's nose via a tube. And third… well, just see number two. That should be enough.

Baby Mop

OK, look. I know its wrong. I do. But come on. Isn't this sort of a good idea, in a way? In a weird way? No? OK, OK, I'll cancel my order. (Really? You don't want one?)

Check out the full list at Cracked.com, which is a very funny site. For what it's worth, I used to read Cracked as a kid, when it was considered a lesser version of Mad Magazine. They've been back for a while now and so far it's good stuff.

source/images: 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants, Cracked.com

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Sleeping Beauty Unplugged: The Untold Grim Grimm Fairy Tales

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 23:57:00 GMT

Did you know that Sleeping Beauty, as originally written, had more things happen during her "sleep" than just a princely kiss? It turns out that she was also impregnated and gave birth to twins while in a comatose state, and later woke up to live happily ever after.

And did you know that Snow White was only a tweener when she was married off to the prince?

Cracked has a list of the gruesome beginnings of well-known fairytales, including Snow White and Cinderella.

Check them out

Inappropriate Children's Book Covers You'll Never See (But Wouldn't it Be Funny if You Could?)

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:11:00 GMT

Cracked.com asked readers to photo-shop their ideas of very inappropriate but funny children's book covers. Warning: Adults-only.

Turn your children out of doors and take a look at some of the best after the jump...

by Kicsiviz

by Moarisa

For more book titles, go here....